Friday, 29 June 2007

Acronym and initialism

We are on strike today (don't get me started on that!) so I have some spare time to catch up on some 'Blurffing'. That is if I don't get distracted by my eldest whom, for reasons known only to him, turned up sometime last night. We weren't expecting him and the first I knew he was home was when I saw his trainers on the shoe rack. I will probably be entertained with some tale of woe when he crawls out of bed!

When I was on Queen Vixens blog (see blogs I like) it made me chuckle when she said her sons friends referred to her as MILF!

Got me thinking about what acronym my kids might use to describe me. After a lot of thought I came up with Dad I'd Like to Disappear Often or DILDO. I'm sure I've heard them calling me that before anyway!

My boys seem to be embarrassed by my behaviour and I don't get it? What's wrong with dropping him off at school waiting until he catches up with his friends then running out of the car shouting that he forgot to kiss me goodbye? Or frisking his friends while wearing 'marigolds' before they come into the house in case they are hiding 'squirty cream' which they've done before? They wont even let me take them to the surgery anymore after a visit to the doctor with a sons errant verruca. The GP coughed and I told him "best you see a doctor about that!". He smiled and my son groaned out loud.

I'd much rather be a DILF but guess I'm definitely a DILDO!!

Thursday, 28 June 2007

A Writer!?

I've had two short stories published over the last two weeks, this makes me sound like an accomplished writer! But...............

..............In actual fact I've only had two stories published ever (unless you count the one I had published on the '5Live' website) then that's three. That story won me third prize in a short story sweep stake, but that's another tale.

Now, it's quite nice that someone likes the story enough to want to buy it and place it in their publication but, I would like to have one published that I can actually show people! I can hardly show these to my kids!

The first one is about a forty year old woman who convinces her husband that for her birthday he should spank her. As it was for a women's publication the editor would only take it if I used a women's name. If you come across a short story by Ivana Chopski, that would be me! The second is a tale of Internet porn with a twist and is basically filth! LOL!

In collecting my money I'd like to thank Heather for making this all possible! (Read into that what you like!).

On the downside I had my story that I sent to 'The Peoples Friend' returned. For your information Peoples Friend, you haven't heard the last of me. I'll be back with more until you publish one of my stories alongside a water colour painting!!

Tuesday, 26 June 2007

I've broken my glasses! I need them for close work and typing so, essential really! So to make sure I can function properly until I get a new pair they are mended with sellotape! MMMMM, nice!

Got me thinking what else I cant do without;

  • Heather (that's a given and plenty of housepoints).
  • My mobile, god knows how we managed without them.
  • Tea, especially first thing in the morning.

That's a bit sad not a lot really! What can't you live without?

Saturday, 23 June 2007

Girlie Night in!!

By 7.30 last night the house was filling up with women, racks of clothes and a variety of scary looking items which pulsed, vibrated, throbbed and I was out of there!

I'd had experience of a women's night out and wasn't staying around for the festivities!

When I first met Heather we had been out a couple of times then she went back to Canada to visit family for three weeks (something I said?). She said when she got back she was going, with friends, to the local theatre to watch a show, would I like to come? Sure I would! OK, an important lesson here, find out what you are going to see before you go! We queued up to watch The Puppetry of the Penis with hundreds of baying women, I'd never seen anything like it and did my belt up another notch!

For those of you who don't know, The Puppetry of the Penis is a live show where, two well endowed Australian men spend an hour and a half making their meat and two veg into different items like.... meat and two veg.

I sat there trying to sink lower into the chair and listened to the 'ladies' sat in front of me chatting about penises they've known, it was quite informative. The show started and the compare came on, he was quite funny, what I could hear anyway. The 'ladies' in front were getting louder and were often shouting at the guy "COCK, WE WANT COCK!". By now I knew all about the penises of most the men in the city and they wanted more "COCK". At this point the comic was talking about pet names ladies called their vagina. Names were called out "Minnie Mouse" said one, "Fluffy" another "Puss Puss" and so on. Then one loud lady stood up and shouted "CUNT!". The place went silent! The 'ladies' in front of me were disgusted and couldn't believe what the "dirty bitch!" had said! But still the chant rang out"COCK, WE WANT COCK!". Soon enough they got their wish, I thought they were going to beat the shit out of each other fighting over the binoculars, not that they needed them!

To be fair it was entertaining though I'm not keen on KFC anymore! You'll have to go see it if you want to find out why!

Back to last night and at about 11pm I text to see if it was safe to come home, yes she lied. Me and SF walked home and his missus was walking up the road towards us. She had a vibrating butterfly thing strapped to her nether regions and was brandishing a vibrating pig and a row of plastic beads she was trying to ram up his arse. I think she might have had a glass or two of wine! When we got in most of the party goers had up and gone but the ladies were still packing up. I picked up a rather large pink cone (no ice cream in sight) pressed a button and wished I hadn't. I couldn't turn the fucking thing off!

Seems the ladies had a good time especially Sox who had to be poured into a taxi still wrapped in pink bondage tape. Good luck SF!!

Friday, 22 June 2007

Harry Rodger Webb

A blog inspired by her indoors about the English attitude to a Legend, Sir Cliff Richard!

I guess this started a few years ago for me when I used to work on the night shift. The old boys, who had worked there forever, had control of the radio station. Every night we had to listen to 'Fossil FM' or Capital Gold as it is better known! Now I don't mind a golden oldie once in a while but, every night, all night, come on! What made it worse was, you'll know this if you have ever listened to Fossil, they play the same songs over and over, with a penchant for the Beatles! I used to like the Beatles, but because I had them rammed down my throat every night I cant stand them anymore. Now, to my mind, there were a hell of a lot of good songs in the 50's, 60's and 70's so why play the same ones over and over? Also, an icon of that era was Cliff, they never played any Cliff!

Cliff had 14 number 1 singles spanning 5 decades from the 1950's and missed out in 2006 with a number 2 or would have made it 6 decades! He has spent 1983 weeks in the British Record Charts, the only other artist/s to surpass that being Elvis! Cliff even had the best song ever not to win the Eurovision Song Contest, 'Congratulations'!

If you don't like his music you still have to admire his achievements! Unfortunately in this country people who do well are knocked back all the time. Cliff with his clean cut image, his bachelor life style and Christian beliefs do not conform and he is branded as a freak! If he had done drugs, slept around and trashed his hotel room radio stations would still play his music!? Cliff Richard openly laments the lack of commercial support from radio stations and record labels. He points out that many documentaries charting the history of British music fail to even mention him.

I think it's a shame we should get behind our winners in this country, love them or hate them and Sir Cliff is definitely a winner!

Sorry about my rant but you did ask! Do I like Cliffs music? Guess you'll never know!!

Wednesday, 20 June 2007

Tagged: Music this time!

Sheena Easton! Did all the girls look like that in 1981?


1. Go to or
2. Pick the year you turned 18.
3. Get yourself nostalgic over the song’s of the year.
4. Write something about how the song affected you.
5. Pass it on to 5 more friends.

Do you know what shit was top of the charts in 1981?

December 27, 1980 - January 30, 1981: (Just Like) Starting Over John Lennon
January 31 - February 6: The Tide Is High Blondie
February 7 - February 20: Celebration Kool & The Gang
February 21 - March 6: 9 to 5 Dolly Parton
March 7 - March 20: I Love A Rainy Night Eddie Rabbitt
March 21 - March 27: Keep On Loving You - REO Speedwagon
March 28 - April 10: Rapture - Blondie
April 11 - May 1: Kiss On My List - Hall & Oates
May 2 - May 15: Morning Train (Nine To Five) - Sheena Easton
May 16 - July 17: Bette Davis Eyes - Kim Carnes
July 18 - July 24: Medley - Stars on
45 July 25 - July 31: The One That You Love - Air Supply
August 1 - August 14: Jessie's Girl - Rick Springfield
August 15 - October 16: Endless Love - Diana Ross & Lionel Richie
October 17 - November 6: Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do) - Christopher Cross November 7 - November 20: Private Eyes - Hall & Oates
November 21, 1981 - January 29, 1982: Physical - Olivia Newton-John

Well, there you have it! To be honest I cant remember half of them, this was my greasy biker era and would have been more into Motorhead than Motown! I must confess though I did have a soft spot for Sheena Easton after watching her on The Big Time ( a programme where they took her from obscurity and followed her path to getting a record contract with EMI), so remember Morning Train (Nine To Five). Didn't like it, but remember it!

Another 9 to 5 to make an impression on an eighteen year old was the song by Dolly Parton, well to tell the truth not the song so much but I seem to remember something else standing out??!!

Physical - Olivia Newton-John! How could that not leave an impression? That lovely little Aussie girl who used to feature a lot in the 'Cliff Richard Show' (don't start me on Cliff!) years before now dancing around in a skimpy leotard all sweaty!

Blondie had two number ones that year! Tide Is High was OK I guess but Rapture (was number 1 over my birthday) was that fucking weird song where she tried rapping about eating cars and planets and shit! Wasn't it?

Sorry, I might be slating someone favourites here but what the hell? This is all about me after all!!

So, out of all of them none of them jump out at me with any relevance to me being 18. If I had to pick a favourite; Bette Davis Eyes - Kim Carnes. No particular reason just liked the tune.

Tuesday, 19 June 2007

OK, where do they get it from? Kids and their delaying tactics! Do they sit on the playground and discuss this stuff?

Youngest used to go to bed shut his eyes then go to sleep. Well not always straight away but he would lay there quietly then drop off.

Now a huge change has occurred!

Now he has built up a repertoire to delay bedtime:

  • I need a wee!

  • I need a drink!

  • I'm too hot!

  • I'm too cold!

  • I want the door shut!

  • I want the door open!

  • I want the light off!

  • I want the light on!

  • There is a fly in my room!

We have to have a whole routine now to make sure all these items have been accommodated before he gets a kiss goodnight. Then he goes to school and comes home with another one!

I'm babysitting tomorrow so the next one best be good!!

Saturday, 16 June 2007

Q;What do you call a gingerbread man (I'm not sure if that's allowed any more, think it might have to be gingerbread person. Bollocks to it!) with one leg?

A; Limp biscuit!

Not a great joke I know but it's getting a bit like that in our house. Heather's been limping about for ever since she kicked the wall in the garden. Middle son ('I forgot I was walking down the stairs until I fell') fell down the stairs and had a tasty bruise on his knee. Now today is my turn! I stepped off the kerb while working and turned my ankle, ouch or some such words! All the time I was walking I was fine but thought I'd better put it in the accident book at work just in case. The accident book has been replaced by the computer and none of the managers at work had any idea how to file the report. I did most of it! It took over half an hour and in which time, due to inactivity my ankle was twice its normal size!

So now we are all limping around the house like Muppet's. Silver lining? Might not be able to go to work on Monday, fingers crossed!

Friday, 15 June 2007

Toilet Humour!!

I don't want to stereotype but on the whole (no pun intended) women have a 'thing' about toilet seats. In Heathers defence I don't ever remember her mentioning it but lots of ladies do! The 'thing' that I'm talking about is not putting the seat down after using said toilet and, in this, us men get the blame! Well not me I can tell you! I don't want to sound to anal (trying to steer away from the puns but cant help myself) but I think the toilet looks tidier with the seat down and ladies, THE LID!

We get berated for being lazy and not putting the seat down but you, you know who you are, are too damn lazy to put the lid down!

When I came home from work yesterday the house was full of ladies visiting the invalid who still isn't back at work. I stuck my head around the door to say 'hi' and got the rip taken out of me for wearing my shorts to work in the rain! I quickly retired to our downstairs toilet, this is where we hide away our coats and shoes, and there it was! The toilet lid! One of those piss taking ladies was taking the piss! GRRRR! I needed to put the lid down to sit on the toilet to take of my shoes and in doing so dropped it. It made a loud bang! Heather must have thought I did it on purpose and shouted 'It wasn't me it was Sarah!' Sarah said sorry and sheepishly stepped into the hall to be confronted with me sat on the toilet undoing my shoes. She miss-read the situation completely and thought I was having a shit! Her face was a picture, she turned red immediately and ran away saying 'oh no!', 'oh no!'

I can't say she'll never take the piss out of me again because that's what she does, but I'm quietly confident she'll put the lid down on the toilet next time she's here!

A moral to this tale, yes there is; guys if you want your lady to put the lid down on the toilet have a crap with the door open when her friends are round!!

Thursday, 14 June 2007

Blaaaaaargh, MMMMMMMMM, gurgle

Been busy over the last couple of days so haven't had time to post much.

Last night my second born was over for the night and I spent some time with him. Heather was out at a committee meeting and I watched Big Brother with the boy, even though he has been slagging it of since it started and calling us 'sad' for watching it! He certainly knew a lot of what was going on and who everybody was, I think he's sneaking out of the closet.

Tuesday night was the big night where I got to wear my new suit. There was a few beers, a presentation, a few more beers, a dinner with wine, speeches and then you guessed......
I was a bit (very) nervous when I got there and the first pint didn't touch the sides. Luckily we were called in for the presentation and I didn't have time for another, I needed to pace myself. When I went up for the presentation I was given a book, a pocket sized book, a pocket sized book that I went to put in my suit pocket. My new suit! Standing in front of all these people trying to put a book in my pocket that was still sewn up! I try the other, the same! I then have to make it look like I'm trying to brush out imaginary creases from my jacket pockets hide the book behind me and shuffle off.

Back to the bar, more beer! I don't want more but I need more! I have to give a speech after dinner and in my infinite wisdom have decided I'll learn the speech and not read it from the draft. I'm beginning to worry about my sanity now as I'm never going to remember any of it. For fucks sake, I cant remember if I lock the front door in the mornings and that's by the time I get to the garden gate! I have to sing happy birthday to myself in the mirror when brushing my teeth in the morning so I remember my name!

I try and compose myself and run through the speech in my mind, as if I haven't been doing that all day! I cant remember a fucking thing apart from blaaaaaargh! I'm sure that will go down well!

We go in to dinner and food is served, I'm not hungry at all in fact I feel sick, but eat anyway and try and look relaxed. The guy next to me is talking to me and I'm trying to remember my speech, please shut the fuck up! I nod and smile, it sounds like he is saying MMMMMMMMMM, my speech sounds like blaaaaaargh and my stomach is going gurgle! The waiter is filling my wine glass up every time I empty it, which is a lot! After the pudding I make my excuses and head to the toilet, I eye the door on my way past and urge myself to run, run for the hills, but don't!

I re-take my seat and now it's speech time! I stand up prepared to say Blaaaaaargh, MMMMMMMMM, gurgle but miraculously remember my words, goes down a storm!More beer in the bar and I'm poured into a taxi. Not very good on a school night, esspecially as I have to be up for work at 4.30am!

Oh well at least I had a great time??!!

Found this and thought it might be fun!! Why not have a try?

Your Stripper Song Is

I Touch Myself by The Divinyls

"I don't want anybody else
When I think about you
I touch myself"

A total exhibitionist, you probably already are a stripper!

Wednesday, 13 June 2007

Breast is best!

oshte edno malko sladko kyrmache suche ot mamaI heard on the news that the government want to bring in new legislation so women can breastfeed where they like and not be discriminated against. Good idea say I!

Got me thinking maybe I could open a bakers which was breastfeeding friendly. And what would I call it I hear you ask..............................Get your baps out!!

Monday, 11 June 2007


I've been snotty and sneezing all day!

My eyes are so itchy I want rip them out and dip them in yogurt!

I've got a disgusting rash all up my legs and over my feet!

I'm sweating like a erm..... a very sweaty thing that's stuck in a sauna set to HOT!!


I drove into the back of a car this morning! The driver got out, he was a Dwarf.

He said 'I'm not happy!'

I said 'So which one are you?'

Sunday, 10 June 2007

Peace at last!!

All the neighbours are away!
The people next door have moved the 'camper van' which took up four parking spaces and have we presume gone camping. This means no rave music or barking dogs!
Number 13 are also very quiet, probably gone to Strangeways to visit family. This means no naked kids running around screaming and shouting and no obscenities from the parents!
The guy next door has gone away too but before he went the bastard cut down the tree at the end of his garden that obscured the view of the trains! Grrrr!
It's very quiet! Apart from the trains!
We took advantage last night and sat in the garden drinking wine until midnight. It was lovely! We drank a bit more than we should have and this morning I have a thick head! Youngest got up at 6, Fuck! Luckily Heather got up with him while I stayed in bed! He tried to be quiet but 'couldn't hear the television over the sound of a fly buzzing!'??? I did the right thing and put my head under the pillow and went back to sleep!
His dad's round for a visit this morning, Dick Head! Gotta go now while her backs turned. If she insists on making him tea the least I can do is spit in it!!

Saturday, 9 June 2007

Am I a racist?

I wanted to comment on the new Big Brother racist row but don't know if I'm qualified as Heather tells me often that I am a racist! This goes back to one incident 15 years ago (so look out Emily you never lose your tag!) and the drink made me do it! Judge for yourselves, racist or not?

People who start a sentence with 'I'm not a racist but......' to my mind generally are but to buck the trend;

My eldest was at nursery and made a friend with another boy there. His parents invited us to a Christmas party so the boys could play together and we could have a beer. We went along, getting there early so the boys could play, the mums sat in the lounge chatting and I got to know the dad. He was in the Navy, submarines to be exact, and was a chef and Welsh. He was preparing food so I sat at the breakfast bar watching him work, listening to him (I couldn't get a word in edge ways if I wanted) and got slowly drunk on the bottles of beer he kept pushing in front of me. He was a nice bloke and made me feel very welcome so, when there was a gap in his monologue, I told him.

'You are a very nice man and have made me feel very welcome!' I slurred to him. 'Welshmen have a reputation for hating the English and you are nothing like that' I continued. 'I used to know this Welsh guy who always used to go on about how great Wales was and how shit England was'. I was on a roll now! 'I'm not racist but; why do people come to this country slag it off then want to change it to resemble there own? Why not stay in their own bloody country?'He nodded which I took to be in agreement so carried on.'And do you know what really winds me up?' He shook his head.'The bloody stickers he had in his car! You know the ones that say I love Wales but not even in English! In bloody Welsh!

The doorbell rang at this point and he rushed off. I took more beer (like I needed it!), some food and hid in the corner in a comfy chair rat arsed. I suddenly sobered up and decided we had to leave! Our host was handing out nibbles on a tray and had taken his jumper off to reveal a large tattoo on his forearm. A large dragon and written underneath I LOVE CYMRU.

Shit! We were never invited back, wonder why?

So, am I a racist? You decide!

Friday, 8 June 2007

School Visit

The youngest's going to school in September and today was the first of two 'getting to know the place' visits. So he could meet the teachers and familiarise himself with the school and them with him. Teach had met him before when she visited his nursery and we had been to the school a couple of times before to speak to Teach so all was not new! Youngest has social difficulties and new surroundings and new people can be a challenge. He is currently going through a diagnoses as he probably has some form of autism but all the experts seem to think he'll cope fine with mainstream school. I beg to differ, perhaps they should have come today and watched!

We arrived with other parents and their kids then queued at the gate and were greeted by older students from the school. The other 'new' kids were asked their names and when they answered were given a smile and a name badge. Youngest ignored the questions then punched himself smartly three times around his head and hid in his mums legs! Good start!

We moved around to the playground trying to convince him this was a good idea and he wasn't fucking having any of it. If his bottom lip could have got any lower it would have been scrapping on the floor! After a quick play we are herded into the classroom which houses two classes, it's very small! I didn't bring a cat with me so I pick up a small child and try in vain to swing it! Youngest trys a few activities on show without much enthusiasm then settles down for his mum to read a book to him. Teach comes over and talks to him, he ignores her while punching his head three times. we are seeing a bit of a pattern here. She is nice and chats to him for a bit though I'm sure she is not as calm on the outside as she is on the inside. She leaves and another lady takes her place, three punches........ you get the picture and now he's making a pattern on pegboard with plastic coloured pegs. All the pegs are light green in colour! She trys to get him to use other colours, he gives her a look like, you want me to start punching again and she relents. She whispers something in his ear and he gets very friendly with her, must have been a promise of sweets or violence!

The kids are herded outside to play while Teach chats to us, Youngest isn't amused but goes under protest. We are put in a room full of chairs they have just taken out of the dolls house I cant get down that far, well not and get up again, so opt for a table. I glance around the room at the parents, we are sat between a lady (not sure if that's the correct word) who's wearing a dress so short the people in front of her can see her lunch (but wearing nice shoes?!) and a veteran from Greenham Common! Most of them look sooo young and I feel sooo old. Teach chats for a while with authority about a number of topics then gets to Heathers favourite, food! I don't know if it's a Canadian thing but food is a bit of an obsession eg; on the weekend when youngest has no school he has a pre-breakfast snack, breakfast, a post-breakfast snack, a pre-lunch snack then lunch! She was very concerned that she couldn't send him in with snacks for the morning and told Teach! Teach snapped at her saying, that she managed without a snack. Heather's gone off Teach now!

We go find youngest when it's all over and he tells us "he's never going there again!". Got news for you buster!

Wednesday, 6 June 2007

Handbags and Gladrags, well just gladrags really

Day off today and full of cold! GRRRR! Why cant I be sick when I'm at work instead of at home? Heather's not in a much better state, she's been off all week with a bad foot.
I have to go into town today to buy the suit I didn't the other day and she has to come with me, bad foot or not, because I can't do it on my own!!
Heather is shuffling along with a tight grip on her crutch and I do much of the same! We enter the store and I try to steer her towards the men's section avoiding the women's clothes. I take my eye off her for a millisecond and somehow her arms are full of lingerie and a small storage box! How the hell does she do that? I nudge her towards the men's suits and at the same time try to hide her stash behind a mannequin.
We choose a suit and while I try it on she finds her hidden goodies and adds to them. She encourages me to try on another suit but I'm not having it because she'll fill up a bloody trolley at this rate. I'm happy with my choice (a bargain) but cant find a shirt and tie so we pay and leave for another store.
I put the bags in the car first, bad move, she has free shopping hands again! We find a shirt then debate the ties, "you need to buy a good tie, people will tell if it's cheap and it will last!" she tells me as I put back the one priced £2.99! I hold up 3 for her to choose one, £18, £12 and £5, bugger me she chooses the £18 one! "Told you!" she says smugly.
I pay then leave her to walk to the exit while I get the car and drive up to the store. I'm quick so she wont have time for more shopping but when I get outside the shop she's waiting with more bags!!?
How does she do that?

Tuesday, 5 June 2007

The Alien

The Yeti seems to have brought his entourage with him, friends who hang around talking of defeating wizards with magic potions and the like. One such fellow is The Alien and today I found out the origins of his name.

It appears he used to work the night shift at local supermarket and one night had a row with his boss. He then stormed off in a huff finding refuge in the car park. Unwisely he sat down, made himself comfortable then fell asleep. He woke up four hours later and, knowing he would be in the shit and probably fired when he went back to work he formulated a plan. He came up with a story that they couldn't disprove and therefore were unable to sack him. He told them that he had been abducted by aliens and couldn't get back to work. Hence his name!

It seems no one believed his story! Well, dear reader, I do! You only have to look at the bloke and talk to him to realise they performed a frontal lobotomy and gave him a good probing!

Monday, 4 June 2007

The Yeti

The Yeti signed for the duty next to mine a couple of weeks ago, this means his work station is next to mine, I cant see him but can certainly hear him! He is 'The Yeti' because he is large and hairy. Well, a large body, barrel like supported by little legs, Christ knows how they hold him up! Hairy! Yes, very hairy, he comes to work in the morning clean shaven and goes home at lunch time with a full beard! He's often late in the mornings, I think it's because he has a shower then spends half an hour shovelling body hair out of the plug hole! I've no idea how old he is, somewhere between 20 and 200 at a guess.

That aside The Yeti is getting on my tits! Everyone said he would but I had to give him the benefit of doubt. He blew it! It's not because he's fat and hairy or because he's lazy, loud and stupid! It's not even because he is opinionated, I don't mind that at all, someone else to argue with, it's because he cant think for himself! GRRRRRR!

Last week for example he told one person he thought the new spiderman movie was crap and when someone else said they loved it all of a sudden he loved it too! When Big Brother started he was joining in chatting about it and when one of his friends said it was crap he said he never watched it! I have to listen to all this bullshit!

Anyway, today he redeemed himself, temporarily! I heard him tell someone that he spent all of yesterday morning playing tennis. That impressed me a bit fat hairy man playing tennis in all that heat and humidity all morning. Well done I thought and a little later I told him so.
"You must be fit." I said.
"Do what?"
"Fit! It was very hot and humid yesterday!"
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"Yesterday! You playing tennis all morning in the heat and....."
"No Bruv, that was an online game. I never left my couch all weekend!"
Useless fat, hairy, lazy, loud, stupid and opinionated twat!!

PS Bruv? What the fuck is that all about? Wanker!

Sunday, 3 June 2007

Big Brother and Big Blogger

I wanted to comment on Big Brother but find it very difficult as I can never remember any of the names! With them all (but one) being women/girls it's even harder for me, funnily enough I said to Heather as we watched the entrances "wouldn't it be funny if they were all girls?". Spooky! Unfortunately I cant pick the winner in the same way! The one I'd like to win is the old lady, sorry names gone. I think she is playing them all and would be good value for the long haul. I don't think she'll last though as the wannabe WAGS will vote her out early on! One name I do remember is Charlie and please don't let her stay too long as she is doing my head in already!
The entrants in Big Blogger sound like real characters! Shame we cant swap them with the Big Brother entrants! I'm sure that would be great viewing!

Saturday, 2 June 2007

Not nice on an empty stomach (or anytime really!)

After reading yesterdays post by I was reminded of something that I had hoped was stored away in the darkest recesses of my mind never to see the light of day again!
A couple of years ago I used to deliver to houses in leafy suburbia and, on one particular day, was in a Close made up of twenty two bungalows. The bungalows were identical semis with a small walled garden and a short path up the side of the house which lead to the front door. The front doors were set back slightly giving a small porch and shelter from the rain. Not that it was raining on this day it was glorious in fact!
I had a parcel for number fourteen, I knew the owner, an elderly gentleman who was hard of hearing. I rang the bell and gave the door a hard knock to make sure he would hear me, no reply. I gave another hard knock, still nothing! He had a large plastic box in his porch which had a sign on it PAPERS PLEASE! so I thought I'd leave the parcel there. I dropped it in and was walking away when I heard.
"It's the postman, I've got a parcel for you." I replied.
"It's the postman!" a bit louder.
"I'm in the bath!" he said.
I looked down the side of the house towards the voice and could see a small window, about eight inches deep and at about my head height, he was trying to poke his head out.
"I've got a parcel!"
"I'm in the bath!"
Fuck! I thought then I did something very stupid, I walked towards him.
The tiny window wasn't the only one, directly underneath was a much larger one, the type with a pattern on to obscure the view. It wasn't fucking working! He may have once been in the bath but was now standing up in it. Standing up in it and pressing his soapy, naked body up against the not so obscure window!
Now if the guy had been sixty years younger, a lot fitter and I'd been a girl that might have been quite erotic and sexy but we weren't and it definitely wasn't! My brain was telling me to move but my legs weren't budging, it was like when you slow down to look at an accident. You don't want to but you have to! I forced myself to move!
"Yourparcelsintheboxbye!" I said without taking a breath, turned, ran and hurdled the garden gate!
Never walk towards the voice in the window, you never know what you may see!!