Monday, 28 January 2008

Oral Sex Light!

When you need to see where you're going..... er....... cuming!!??

Wednesday, 23 January 2008

Bit of Fluff??

Lets go home....






get comfortable....






take off your clothes....






and have a good look at your pussy....






Monday, 21 January 2008

Wonder Pets

If you don't have (or have access to) small children the Wonder Pets will mean nothing to you and if you do have kids you might have missed them presuming you had just had a hallucinogenic episode from taking too many illegal drugs.

Let me explain a little about what our children are being fed as entertainment on the TV. The Wonder Pets are three small animals superimposed onto a cartoon background; a duckling, a terrapin and a hamster. They live in cages at a school and when a call comes in to their special phone (a can on a bit of string) they don special capes and become the Wonder Pets.

They make a flying boat thing from meccano they have secreted around the classroom and then head out on their mission to rescue pets from disaster like; the Kitten (who was smaller than the hamster) who was floating away on a bit of driftwood in Venice to the Yak, Pig and Singing Bear who were drifting away in a hot air balloon. The Wonder Pets always manage to save the day with a rhyme, a song and especially team work!

If you think I have a vivid imagination please watch the Wonder Pets!

Wonder Pets Opening

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Saturday, 19 January 2008

I'm soooo charitable

Today was a first for me, I felt sorry for a chav! The young lad had saved up all his money from robbing old ladies and small children. He had even traded in his Burberry cap for a bad copy down the market all to buy himself a car. The white Mini Metro gta was his pride and joy, he'd cleaned and polished it bought new hub-caps and a shinny petrol cap. Then on Thursday disaster happened, someone (perhaps they knew him) wrote with a black marker pen in large letters on the bonnet; COCK! I guessed he hadn't seen it because it was still there when I walked past the car this morning but when I walked back he was out with his girlfriend and a bucket of soapy water scrubbing. It was such a sad sight the pair of them in the howling gale and pouring rain getting their tracksuits wet trying to rub his cock off. I nearly shed a tear!

Tuesday, 15 January 2008

New post!

I thought I better do a new post and here you go two for the price of one!

These are the Ultima Fence Post 595978 @ £12.99.

High level finishing.

Chamfered detailing.

Pressure treated timber.

Ideal for use with decorative fencing.

Size: D1500.

Size: D4'11.

This product is not available to purchase on-line.

The price shown includes our latest in store discounts.

Sunday, 13 January 2008

A letter to myself!

Vi asked me to write a letter to myself when I was 13 years old so here it is:


This is a letter from you in 31 years time.

I took a while before making up my mind what I was going to write because I don't want to influence your future choices too much. Not that I wouldn't like to tell you what to do and which direction to take but would you listen and if you did would it improve your lot? I don't know so I've decided just to tell you a few things that might help you a little but not drastically change your future path!

  • The woman in the black raincoat and red scarf is a store detective.
  • Stay away from Beta max.
  • Don't try and understand women. All you need to know is men are from Mars, women are from Venus; think any deeper and you'll end up with your head up Uranus.
  • Johnny Mathis is gay (gay is the word we use now for poof).
  • However many times you use that pump it's not going to get any bigger!
  • When someone suggests you break into a local tourist attraction don't, it's a lot of hassle and there is no money!
  • Don't go and see 'Rosie Dixon night-nurse' until you are 18. The movie is crap and the court case is embarrassing.
  • Under your pillow is not a good place for 'that' handkerchief.
  • Long hair is not a good look and the pictures get hauled out often.
  • Magic mushrooms are much better dried and not swallowed like oysters.
  • When you are laying on the floor in a fight make sure you cover your face with your arms because a kick in the mouth smarts!
  • Being sick on women doesn't get you laid!
  • Nylon underpants are not good for you however funny the picture and caption on the front of them is.
  • Bleach wont wash out.

I'm sure there are loads more but there are few to be getting on with. If I think of more and I get a chance I'll drop you another line. I'd say be good and be careful but I know I'd be wasting my time!

PS; When the ball goes on the roof don't climb up the drainpipe as it will come away from the wall and your arm will break in two places!

Thursday, 10 January 2008

7 things about me.

DJ was kind enough to tag me to do a meme (I still don't know what the fuck a meme is!) and share seven random and/or weird facts about myself. I've decided to be brutally honest here so please don't judge me too harshly!

  1. I suffer from Ladifabriphobia, a rare and often debilitating illness which makes me afraid of women who are wearing any clothing. I have undergone years of treatment for my phobia and after most of my life being housebound I travelled to Honolulu and met Dr Zemunztayne an expert in his field. He taught me how to visualise women completely naked and therefore free of all clothes . Since that day I've rebuilt my life and look forward to every new day!

  2. I begin each day by drinking a glass of my own urine. This is not for health reasons, I know some people do use this as an excuse but I could find no medical rationale to back this up. Also it's not for the taste as it tastes disgusting especially after a night on the beer and kebabs. The main reason is I get very thirsty and it's a hell of a lot cheaper than a coffee from Starbucks!

  3. I collect toenail clippings from celebrities. I started my collection in 1972 when I watched Olympic gymnast Olga Corbett break a nail in competition and picked it up as a souvenir. Since then my collection has grown immensely and have them displayed on hand made cabinets all over the house. I get them by writing to celebrities, their families and friends. Also I have bunged a couple of quid to hotel chambermaids and funeral directors to get some really special ones. My favourite is one from the Queen Mother that didn't look like it had been cut for a while and smelt a bit of Gin!

  4. In 1994 while living in Alaska I was arrested 36 times for Bear Baiting. When in court I was told baiting was not against the law but doing it naked was and the next time I was caught I'd go to jail. I served 6 months!

  5. I'm allergic to alcohol. I find if I drink large amounts I feel dizzy, slur my words and often fall over. The next morning I often have a headache and throw up in a bucket by my bed.

  6. In 1985 I dressed up as Ian Botham and walked from Lands End to John O'Groats for charity. He was going to do it but had other things to do so I stood in for him at the last minute!

  7. I am a compulsive liar! Now if I'm telling you I'm a compulsive liar that might be a lie in which case I'm not? You decide!

Monday, 7 January 2008

What the Spank?

My editor wrote to me last week! That sounded impressive didn't it? Made me sound like some hot-shot writer! Anyway, she wrote to me because I once wrote a tongue in cheek view of a spanking experience and she wanted another one. Well, as I have (and never want) any experience as a spanker or a spankee finding more than one spanking story in me is a bit of a challenge. I like to think I write slapstick not slap arse and was a bit stumped! I came up with an idea of writing a story of spanking without mentioning spanking in the whole tale. Got started and am a bit stumped now so you may not hear from me for a while, also got a bit distracted while looking for pictures of spanking, you got the cartoon because some of them were fucking weird!!

Friday, 4 January 2008


DJ mentioned on her blog that I'm thinking of hanging up my blogging hat and this is true. It's not the posting so much because if I can't think of anything to say I can usually steal, er umm I mean borrow, something from somewhere but it's the reciprication that's the problem. At the moment I don't seem to have the time, or sometimes to be honest , the inclination to follow up on old posts or visit other blogs. This isn't good enough! People who bother to visit my blog and then go to the trouble of leaving a comment deserve better.
So, my New Year's resolution is to try harder to reply to comments and visit other blogs! I can hardly pack in if there is stuff like this to post....

..... now can I? Thanks for the kind words from the people who asked me not to quit, that was very nice!

Wednesday, 2 January 2008


Don't forget your New Years resolution! How about ; Keep Britain Tidy?