Thursday, 31 May 2007

Road Rage!

Part of my job entails driving a Transit van conveying; colleagues and their bikes, mail bags and parcels. This morning while driving with The Big Guy we had to pass a line of parked cars causing the vehicles travelling towards us to stop. As we approached the waiting cars I smiled and waved my thanks to the woman sitting in the front of the queue as is the protocol. She glared back at us and as we passed she mouthed "WANKER!" at me! The Big Guy burst out laughing and I gently fumed to myself.
My mood was lightened shortly after when we saw Pissed Phil (a 'friend' of ours) cycling on the road ahead. We used to drive past him in the mornings and spray the window washers and get him wet. Since I got my new van the jets weren't as good so The Big Guy had taken to squirting him out of the window with his water bottle. We then progressed to a sort of water torture where we would drive up slowly behind him so he knew we were there then, either soak him or not as the mood would take us. The anticipation would fuck him up every time! Today we drove straight past him so he wouldn't know it was us and The Big Guy soaked him as we went past. Puerile but funny as fuck!
We were nearly at our destination when I had to stop at a T junction. On the road in front of me there were road works and the traffic was controlled by lights. Unfortunately the road we were on was partway through the roadworks and I couldn't see the lights. I waited until a break in the traffic and took a chance! When I got to the end of the roadworks a car was waiting for me so they could go, as their light had already gone green. I smiled and waved then the woman driving the car went fucking mental shouting and swearing at me. I thought her head was going to explode, her mood wasn't helped by The Big Guy pissing his pants with laughter!
I couldn't say anything to her in reply as I was in uniform in my works van and would have probably lost my job, but if you happen to read this blog, and you know who you are! I just want to say; "Get a fucking life you useless fat bitch! How the fuck was I supposed to know what colour the lights were? Did you want me to get out of the van, look, then run back to it when they changed hoping they would stay green? Fuckwitt! Did your life change because you had to wait at the lights for a couple of seconds more? No! I hate You!
Great, feel much better now!

Wednesday, 30 May 2007

Back to work

So I go back to work after an extended Bank holiday and am late as usual, just five minutes, but still try to sneak in undetected. I pick up my mug and head for the canteen because they wont get any work out of me before I brew up! My manager sees me trying to blend into the background and I try not catch his eye.
"Chopski" he bellows, I look up and feign surprise.
"Boss" I reply sheepishly.
"My office!"
Fuck thinks I, what have I done this time? Trying to wrack my brain for some misdemeanour I may have committed and can't think of one!
A smart arse quips as I slink by "Can I have your locker?" anticipating my fate. I flick him playfully in the groinal area with my tea-spoon and leave him doubled up in agony as I enter the office.
"The mentoring post." he says without looking at me parking himself behind his desk.
Thank fuck I think to myself as I'm not in trouble. The mentoring post is something I showed interest in about a month ago and involves training new starters and pays an extra £30 a week. As we don't have that many new starters I guessed it would be money for old rope, (thinking about it I have loads of old rope in the shed that no-ones given me any money for), I digress.
"Four other people have applied." he says still not looking at me, reeling off their names and turning on his PC.
In the old days the most senior person to apply would have got the job but now, oh no! Now they were 'thinking out of the box' being 'radical' and 'forward thinking' (I've no idea what any of this means but it was all written in six inch red pen on a white board above his head. It also said 'I love cock' and 'yes please for cheese!' but that was in different handwriting and probably not applicable at this time.) Now the policy was to give jobs to the people most qualified to do them, man, that was 'left of centre'?!!?
I tried to feign interest
"When's the interview" I ask.
"No interview!" he replies "You fill in a multiple choice question thingy and a computer decides the best person for the job!"
"Psychometric testing?" says I trying to look like I know what I'm talking about but actually reading upside down from a post it on his desk.
"Might be." he says and now looking at me like I'm really switched on.
"Oh yes!" I say on a roll! "We've had psychometric testing since we moved away from psycho-imeprial testing in the early seventies!"
He looks impressed then shoos me out the office.
I take my mug upstairs and make a cup of tea and start thinking. Of those four other people who applied for the post, two guys are OK and I wouldn't mind if they got the job over me but, the other two are cunts and if they got the job I'd never live it down. One was on day release from Marwell while the monkey cage was being cleaned and he never returned. The other tried to convince us he was from a long line of bakers, but we were sure he meant he was inbred!
Shit! I'm going to have to give this a lot of thought.
No time for more now coz its Big Brother!!

Tongue Twisters

Found this joke today and unashamedly stole it! Sorry! But it got me thinking 'but there for the grace of god go I'. I'm sure it's a small miracle that I don't spend the whole of my life walking around with a black eye!!

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours." The other guy says, "Well, it was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blond with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh,' and she socked me a good one."The first guy replies, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister, too! I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said,'You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch".

Monday, 28 May 2007

Food labels

Not happy! We had chilli for dinner and I like mine hot so have a liberal sprinkling of Tabasco sauce on the meat. Now I've noticed lately that the number of food products with disclaimers on them seem to be increasing at an alarming rate. We even have a bag of peanuts in the cupboard which, highlighted on the back of the pack says 'THIS PRODUCT MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF NUTS!' So why the hell is there no disclaimer on the Tabasco bottle? Not enough space? Make space! They need a disclaimer, something like; 'DO NOT RUB IN YOUR EYES OR THIS PRODUCT WILL BURN LIKE A BASTARD MAKING YOU WANT TO PLUCK OUT YOU EYES AND SCRUB THEM IN A CHEESE GRATER!' They haven't so I did. Man that fucking hurt! My eyes are still on fire while I write this blog. Just off for a piss........ ARRRRGH!!!!

Sunday, 27 May 2007

Number 2

I had a bit of an upset stomach this morning, we are guessing it was the pasty I ate yesterday when I was out, but we aren't sure. So, anyway, after a morning sat on the toilet and feeling much better I decide to venture out. I need to buy a new shirt and tie for a function I'm going to in a couple of weeks time. It's pouring with rain and quite chilly but the fresh air does me good or so the saying goes and I drive into town. The traffic's manic, well it is Sunday?!!? I head for a well known department store and find myself looking a suits, I could do with a new one and, when you buy a suit you get a free shirt and tie the sign proclaims. Well I'm not too good at buying clothes and a large expense like a suit really I need Heather for a bit (no, a lot) of advice. She is busy with the little 'un at a birthday party so I decide to go solo! I choose the colour, size of jacket and waist and length of the trousers then march to the changing room. The attendant gives me a huge blue rubber circle with a number 2 on it and shows me to a cubicle. I look at the huge blue circle, number 2! Shit, my stomach feels like it's just fallen three floors, not number 2, not now! I don't get as far as the cubicle, I fling the suit at the attendant who looks at me like I'm crazy, and by now I am, and I run for the exit! Well that's a bit of an exaggeration I'm trying not to draw attention to myself or soil my pants so I clench my butt cheeks, clamp my knees together and run as if I'm one half of a three legged race! I'm certain the whole world and his dog are staring at me as I shuffle through the mall to the toilets. Luckily I make it on time and now I'm home drinking mint tea with a direct route from the computer to the bathroom. I don't think I'll be venturing out again today maybe I'll get my suit tomorrow?!

Saturday, 26 May 2007

Tagged again!!

Ok, tagged again! That's cool as I wasn't sure what I was going to write about today, have loads of junk floating around up there but nothing coming to the fore. Thank god I hear you say!! Here is my reply to the questions;

1. Do you outline? I try to now as it keeps me focused!

2. Do you write straight through a book, or do you sometimes tackle the scenes out of order? I try to keep in order as I am easily confused. Sometimes though if I think there is something that will fit into the story further on down the line I will write it down for later.

3. Do you prefer writing with a pen or using a computer? Computer, no contest! You seen my handwriting?

4. Do you prefer writing in first person or third? I don't mind.

5. Do you listen to music while you write? Never, has to be silence!

6. How do you come up with the perfect names for your characters? I use people who I don't like (or a take on their name) for the nasty character. The good guys get a cool name! Lol!

7. When you're writing, do you ever imagine your book as a television show or movie? Always, sorry!

8. Have you ever had a character insist on doing something you really didn't want him/her to do? No, the voices in my head aren't that strong!

9. Do you know how a book is going to end when you start it? Yes but sometimes I have to choose from multiple endings!

10. Where do you write? Mainly in the dining room but have a little pad for notes and outlines that moves around with me.

11. What do you do when you get writer's block? Not a problem as of yet. More of a problem is I have to be in the mood for writing and sometimes for weeks on end I have barren periods!

12. What size increments do you write in (either in terms of word count, or as a percentage of the book as a whole)? No set amounts just chunks of what's there until I get bored!

13. How many different drafts did you write for your last project? One, that's why I like short stories. Write it, read it, finish it, next project!

14. Have you ever changed a character's name midway through a draft? Yes often, especially if someone pisses me off they become my new baddie!

15. Do you let anyone read your book while you're working on it, or do you wait until you've completed a draft before letting someone else see it? Yes I do but perhaps I should wait as it would be better for them if they only had to read it once not a hundred and one times!

16. What do you do to celebrate when you finish a draft? Start the next one!

17. One project at a time, or multiple projects at once? Far too many at once!

18. Do your books grow or shrink in revision? That really depends on what I've written, probably grow!

19. Do you have any writing or critique partners? Yes, they are lovely but I take criticism badly!
20. Do you prefer drafting or revising? Neither to be blunt!

PS. The fella with the flag? He's tagging me!

Blogging, out of the closet!!

Blogging is still quite new and alien to me, sneaking a peak into someones private life then vanishing to pry on my next victim. I sort of felt uncomfortable leaving a comment which was a bit bizarre as everyone (well most) has a comments link! I can only describe it like being sat alone in a bar next to a group of friends having a conversation, you have something interesting (well you think it's interesting) to add but wont chip in with your thoughts because of your perceived reaction. Well yesterday I looked a lot of blogs and, on a few I left my mark. I enjoyed myself!

Today when I looked at my blog 3 people had left comments and I was thrilled! I would like to thank DJ Kirkby, Lainey-Paney and lady macleod for commenting on my blog, it made my day! Perhaps now I can loosen up a bit, nudge the guy at the end of the bar and chip in with me five pennies worth!!

Friday, 25 May 2007

The twilight zone!

I had to go into the city today to buy a pair of gloves from a Naval outfitters so volunteered to get the groceries on the way home. Why can't I hold my tongue?

I could feel the air getting thinner as I got closer to the store and as I drew up into the car park I felt my body pass through the porthole into an alien world! A world full of women wearing very little clothing over scarily white skin covered in tattoos. A world where children are called, git, brat and little bastard. A world where a 6 foot 3, 200lb guy (me) becomes invisible and is bashed, pushed and jostled without a 'by you leave'. A world where my car has disguised itself as a trolley park, doing such a good job half a dozen shopping trolleys are scattered around it when I go to leave!

I'm not good at shopping and this I believe is because I use a list, buying what it says on said list. When Heather takes a list she uses it as a guide and she comes home with a variety of goodies and whatever was on the list. Consequently if something is missed off the list when I shop it doesn't get bought but with Heather if it isn't bought usually there is something similar as a stand by!

Well, my head is thumping but I think I bought enough to keep us going until Monday and I'm off on Tuesday so I can always make another trip into the twilight zone!

Thursday, 24 May 2007

Thick head and dehydrated!!

I wrote two posts yesterday and answered the tag. I published the tag answers and thought I had deleted the posts! This morning, amazingly, due to my fragile nature, I found them both and they are now published! I've gone from 3 posts in a week to 3 in a day, that wont last long!!

We had friends around last night, should have been last week but due to pressures of work etc blahdy blah... it ended up being last night. It was almost 9 when they got here (30 minutes past my bedtime!) because they had stopped to buy a Chinese take-away. Me and the girlfriend (cant keep calling her that) me and Heather (that's nicer isn't it?) had eaten earlier and weren't hungry not, that is, until the food arrived! We munched our way through cartons of food and polished off the 3 bottles of rose' that Heather had bought earlier! Me and the Silver Fox were encouraged to go to the late night store for more wine (we nearly didn't go as SF had a slight disagreement with his better half Sox, who wasn't happy he wouldn't put on shoes when we went outside). We were berated when we returned with only one bottle though I think that was a good move on my part considering how I feel this morning!
We had a really nice time, we always do when we hang out together, though we always drink far too much! They left around midnight then, after finding the bed, I was comatose until 3:30. I woke in a desperate need to urinate and to take on fluids. I was so de-hydrated that my top lip had disappeared and had tucked itself up somewhere under my forehead. It took a pint and a half of water before it even started to work its way south and a further pint before it started to resemble a lip! I used the toilet then got back into bed to find the H20 that I had just poured into my body was rebelling and was pouring out again, literally! I was sweating so much it was obscene, I don't get that wet in the shower for god sake! Somehow I managed to go back to sleep, a sleep full of dreams about goose fat and oranges (a story for another day) and woke when the youngest got into bed with me for a hug.
I had to feel the back of my head to check that my skull was intact as part of it seemed to be missing and my stomach didn't feel at all well! After a trip to the bathroom and buckets of sweet tea I decided to write this. If none of it makes sense I don't really care and am going back to bed! Night!!

Wednesday, 23 May 2007

Next Blog>>

When I started blogging I intended to write one a day mainly as a discipline so I could go back and finish my novel! I've written 30,000 words, know what I want to write and have an end but am at a point where I think there is no point carrying on with it as I'll never get it published. Probably hasn't helped that I started two other novels, a number of short stories and am working on a number of other projects including building websites and painting the bedroom. Also it's a beautiful day outside and I'm inside, in front of the computer! Oh, and a small matter of a full-time job! But you know the biggest distraction? It's that little button on the top left hand corner of the screen that says 'next blog'!!

I just cant help myself! I sit for hours pressing it and what for? Well today I've looked at, to name but a few; a site in Russian, a pornographic webcam site, an Oriental site, a Nordic site, a site dedicated to videos (our sound card is broken!), an advertisement site, a young Chinese girl who is (fucking pissed off with Mr Ang)!'s site and the only English speaking blog, a homage to knitting and that came up twice!! I did come across an Oriental site which had a photo of a chubby Asian lady opening up the cheeks of her ass to reveal her bum-hole!? I left a comment saying 'that reminds me where did I leave my car keys?' so far they haven't replied!

Men and skin cancer!

A topic close to my heart! Over the last ten years or so I've had six operations to remove cancers from my face. The scars aren't attractive but the alternative would, I guess, have been much worse! As May is designated as skin cancer awareness month I thought I would share some relevant information;
Men over 50 are more than twice as likely as women to develop and die from skin cancer. Men are also about twice as likely to develop basal and squamous cell skin cancers as well. And it's not just men over 50 who are at risk: a recent study by the Mayo Clinic has found that the rates for squamous and basal cell carcinoma have jumped for people under 40. "While clearly melanoma is a concern for all demographics, it is at a crisis level for men," said Perry Robins, MD, President of The Skin Cancer Foundation.
Why is this? Men aren't naturally more vulnerable to skin cancer than women. The problem is twofold: more sun exposure, and fewer visits to the doctor.
Men are spending more hours in the sun than women, but are less likely to use sunscreen, according to a recent study. It's a high-risk combination that can up their chances of getting skin cancer. The study, from the National Sun Protection Advisory Council, found that men spend 36 hours a week in the sun – 10 hours a week more than women – and only 25 percent of them make a concerted effort to stay out of the sun, compared to 39 percent of women. Men tend to log the extra hours when working outdoors and while playing sports.
Men typically have less hair to cover ears and scalp, two areas where they develop skin cancer more often than women. Men also top women in skin cancers of the often-exposed back, chest, and shoulders.
How men take care of themselves also plays a role. According to a 2003 Lou Harris poll, three times more men than women avoided doctors when they had a persisting minor medical symptom, and many neglected to get routine screenings for such conditions as cancers, even if sent reminders and offered free testing by their health plans.
The combination of exposure and neglect is especially dangerous when it comes to melanoma. A 2001 study by the American Academy of Dermatologists found that middle-aged and older men are the least likely to perform self-exams or visit a dermatologist. Considering that men's melanomas more often develop on the difficult-to-see upper back, men are less likely to detect the disease early, when it is easily cured. "A melanoma no thicker than a dime can pose a significant risk of mortality," said Allan C. Halpern, MD, Chief, Dermatology Service, Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, New York City.
Men also tend not to bother with sun protection techniques. If they use sunscreen at all, they may put on too little and reapply too seldom. "If they wear a hat, it's usually a baseball cap, which is better than nothing, but protects only the forehead and front of the face, not the neck or side of the face," explained Jeffrey Dover, associate clinical professor of dermatology at Yale University School of Medicine.
"The keys to overcoming melanoma, the deadliest form of skin cancer, are prevention, early detection, and prompt treatment," said Dr. Allan Geller, Research Associate Professor of Dermatology, Boston University Schools of Medicine and Public Health. Dr. Halpern added, "Once we make men aware that there is an epidemic going on, we need to encourage them to take the necessary steps to protect themselves."
It is more important than ever for men of all ages to become aware of the risks of unprotected sun exposure and take precautions, including using sunscreen daily, seeking the shade when outdoors, wearing UV-protective sunglasses, examining their skin on a regular basis, and obtaining a yearly skin exam from a professional.


I've been tagged! I had no idea what the hell that meant and was to tell the truth a bit worried. Worried that I might not be able to leave the house because of an electronic device secured to my ankle or because some bastard had painted some undecipherable text on the side of my house/car/bike/tortoise...! Luckily neither of the above but something equally tedious; eight things about me that no-one knows. If no-one knows about these eight things perhaps there is a reason for it? Anyway I'm going to fill my boots, here goes;

  1. I have an irrational fear of cotton wool! (Please people NEVER, EVER, put it in your mouth!)
  2. The sound setting on my car stereo has to be set on an even number!
  3. I wrote an erotic short story calling myself Ivana, for a woman's publication!
  4. We have a train line which runs along the end of our garden and when the kids are home we play; guess the colour of the train that's coming. I secretly play it when I'm home alone!
  5. On the train line theme, I told our youngest that when the ice cream man played his tune that meant a train was coming. Luckily it often does!
  6. I wouldn't go on the 'no way out' ride at Thorpe Park not because the queue was too long as I told the boys but because it was too dark and freaked me out!
  7. It's the 33rd or 34th anniversary of losing my mum to cancer at the end of this month, might even be today! I feel pretty shitty that I don't know for sure when it is as it would be nice to do something in her memory. Last year my girlfriend ran the race for life in her memory, that was very special! I think about her a lot and seem to miss her more as I get older, maybe something about the boys not having a relationship with their grandmother like the one I cherished with mine!
  8. I cried when I wrote number 7!

Now I guess I have to find some people to tag!

Wednesday, 16 May 2007


I've been neglecting my blogging lately, been catching up with some projects that I started and never finished! I had a desire to have a crack at writing greetings cards so made up a dozen and sent them off to a publisher. Had a couple of short stories that I wrote a while ago with the intention of sending them off to womens magazines and also did that this week. I went to the post office and the lady behind the counter sold me the stamps for my envelopes. I did check with her that the postage was correct and she assured me it was, looking back I'm not so sure and should have pressed her. It's not going to look good if my submissions arrive with incorrect postage and they may be turned down for that reason and I'd never know! Grrrr!
On the brighter side I wrote and erotic short story for an adult magazine and emailed that (no postage to worry about) and the editor said he liked it but wanted a few hundred more words. I did that today and resubmitted it, fingers crossed!
So now I've tied up my loose ends (apart from finishing the novels I've started and the website/s and the hundred million other things that run trough my head) I am going to try an blog a bit more. That is if I don't get distracted, distracted by other blogs! I'm becoming a bit of a blurfer (blog surfing apparently!). It's weird, like I'm looking for something, not really sure what, and if I find it will I ever know? Man that was some surreal bullshite if I ever heard it!

Sorry rambling now so better go! Talk soon!

Monday, 7 May 2007


It was the Badminton Horse Trials this weekend. The grey mare was definitely guilty bit the white gelding was framed!!

Thursday, 3 May 2007


Feeling chuffed today, managed to add an extra 4 usb ports on the spare computer so we could use the wireless Internet connection and guess what? The thing only fucking worked!! Go me! Go me!
I'm getting quite perturbed about the price of petrol lately as it seems to be creeping upwards very quickly again! I needed to fill up today and was going to stop at the petrol station near our house and noticed the price was 93.9 a litre, I wasn't paying that much so drove on. When I got to the cheapy petrol station it was 92.9 a litre but the queue was huge I was getting late so pressed on. A little while down the road the fuel light came on and that annoying little fucking beep noise cut through me like a, a, umm, little fucking beep noise! I had to stop at the next petrol station, great! 97.9 a litre! Somebody up-there, where ever that is really, really, really hates me!!!

Wednesday, 2 May 2007


Ever looked at specialist magazines? I was looking today at Practical Caravan and was wondering is there a magazine called Impractical Caravan? Also you can buy Practical Nursing! What the fuck? Is there Impractical Nursing? And while we are on the subject of nurses, why do I always have to see the practice nurse at my surgery? Why cant I see the fully trained one? I pay my taxes! Is it because I don't go private? Bet they don't have to put up with the fucking trainee! I wouldn't hate rich people so much if they gave me their money!!

Tuesday (on Wednesday)

Went to the supermarket, not my favorite thing! I hate the checkout, they ask you if you want a hand with the packing and if you say no they take it personally. They then make it their number one aim in life to fire the goods down at you as fast as they can to try and prove you cant cope without their help. It doesn't matter if they scan it or not so long as they are sat with a smug fucking grin on their face, drumming their fingers on the side of the till in triumph while you fight to pack a mountain of goods into the two carrier bags they have given you, both by the way with broken handles! Let them pack? No way! That's a hundred times worse, might as well get a shovel and a couple of bin bags the care and attention that goes into their packing!
It may seem like checkouts are my number one hate at the supermarket but no! Not by a long chalk, they fall a long way behind the carpark! People who drive in supermarket carparks lose all their road sense, it's like they drive through a port hole where all the rules of the road can and must be ignored. No entry means drive in, zebra crossings signal park here or speed up depending on your mood and the direction arrows on the road mean absolutely fuck all! One car can and should span as many parking bays as possible, this pisses people off and leaves a space to dump their trolley and child spaces are to be used by one and all. So long as you have a child in the car with you it doesn't mater that he is 55 years old he is someones child, dick for brains! Grrrrr!! supermarket car parks!