Thursday, 29 November 2007

Tuesday, 20 November 2007


After reading the comments on yesterdays post I have come to the conclusion I might have been wrong. So to make amends;

Davey part II by chopski.

When we sat down and ate young Davey
I've realised now of course
instead of ladling on the gravy
we should have poured on a fruity sauce!

Monday, 19 November 2007


A quicky for a rainy Monday!

Davey by Chopski.

Quack quack quack was the noise in the yard
it came from the duck that we call Davey
we don't hear it any more because yesterday
we ate him with mash potatoes and gravy!

Sunday, 18 November 2007

Rats, mice and moths!!

I was laying in bed at around 2:30am and I could hear a noise! It sounded like something was scuttling up and down behind the skirting board or under the floorboards, I pretended it wasn't there and turned over to try and go back to sleep.

30 seconds later DJ says "can you hear that noise?", fuck it wasn't just me! We both lay still in the dark and listened and there was very definitely a noise. Mouse? Mice? Rat? Rats? The thought of it made my skin crawl and I wrapped myself up tighter in the duvet. Then I jumped 6 foot out of the bed, a muscle in my leg had spasmed and I thought there was something crawling on me.

DJ thought I should go and sleep somewhere else but I'm built of sterner stuff than that! I bravely climbed over her to avoid the area from where the noise was coming and headed down stairs to get....................... a cat!

Now we've spent months getting them to sleep downstairs and when I want them upstairs there they are like good little kitties fast asleep on the couch. The brown one is old, female, half feral and bitey. I don't want her but do try and encourage her upstairs as she trundles past for her food, no go! I head for the black cat as he is the friendly one and great at catching mice but he's asleep. I nudge him, nothing, so I try again and he hisses at me. Great! I try and pick him up and he wriggles away heading for the back door. Bollocks! He wont move and I have to let him out.

DJ is calling me now and don't want to go upstairs without a cat, gun or flamethrower. She has the light on and can see what is making the noise, wonderful! We have no carpet in the bedroom and there are a couple of holes in the floorboards where the radiator was moved. There was probably a great big fucking rat poking its head out of the hole looking for food.

I creep back upstairs and there it is sitting there staring at me with big staring eyes!

It wasn't a mouse!

It wasn't mice!

It wasn't a rat!

It wasn't rats!

It was a fucking moth, trapped down the side of the bedside table!

Friday, 16 November 2007

Gents - a review.

A little while ago DJ recommended a book to me which I promised I would read and write a review. This isn't something I'd done before and was a little reticent in case I hated the book and then had to slate it. Fortunately my worries were unfounded as I thoroughly enjoyed reading GENTS by Warwick Collins.

To be honest if I'd seen the book and picked it up I'd have probably put it straight back on the shelf. The cover is a row of large white sinks affixed to a sterile tiled wall with the promise of GENTS a novel. I've been in plenty of gents toilets in my time, most of which were very unsavoury, so why on earth would I want to read a novel about one?

Nevertheless I sat down with a large mug of tea, the book and a hint of trepidation. Apart from one trip to the loo (must buy smaller mugs) I didn't move from my spot until I finished it. Granted the book only has 172 pages but it was wonderfully written, I was able to transport myself into the world of EZ, Jason and Reynolds. By the end of the fifth chapter I had decided I knew how the story would end, I was wrong!

Gents held some form of nostalgia for me; not the fact I once got locked in a public toilet when my penny got stuck, or the time late at night two men emerged from the same cubicle causing me no end of consternation but for the BBC series of the Seventies/early Eighties, Play for Today. This tale would have slotted in there nicely portraying an unsavoury part of life in a serious, sympathetic and humorous way!

If you get an oppourtunity read a copy of Gents by Warwick Collins, you won't be disappointed!

Thursday, 15 November 2007

I've been Tagged!!

I've been tagged by The Lady in Red to do this;

8 passions in my life

Zebra crossings.
Supermarket car-parks.
Public toilets.
Personal hygiene.
Noise pollution.
Reality TV.
Ear hair.

8 things to do before I die

Eat my weight in pickled onions.
Put my elbow in my ear.
Ride through the city naked on the back of a white tiger.
Score the winner in the FA cup final.
Not cough when I smell vinegar.
Invent a program that automatically deletes these questionnaires.
Cause havoc in one of those disabled peoples electric cars.
Drive the wrong way around the M25.

8 things I often say

You're going to put that where?
No Fucking way!
YOU say it won't hurt!
How much?
Put it back!
I think you can get cream for that!

8 Books I read recently

Allegiance To The King - Neil Downe.
Twelve inch cock -Ivor Biggon.
Daddy are We There Yet? - Miles Away.
Arse! - Seymour Butt.
Not Bogged Down In Reality - Jason Rainbows.
Split Personalities - Jacqueline Hyde.
Hole in the Bed - Mister Completely.
Fixing Computer Programs - Dee Bugger.

8 songs that mean something to me

If - Telly Savalis.
Do the Funky Gibbon - The Goodies.
The Chicken Song - Spitting Image.
With My Little Stick of Blackpool Rock - George Formby.
The Fastest Milkman in the West - Benny Hill.
‘Ello John, Got a New Motor - Alexei Sayle.
It’s Raining Men - The Weather Girls.
I’m Too Sexy - Right Said Fred.

8 Qualities I look for in a friend

The ability to laugh with me, not at me you bastards.
Likes to drive and not drink.
Selection and predilection to share large quantities of fine wine!

Wednesday, 14 November 2007

Monday, 12 November 2007


My Pisem take on DIETS!

Diets by Chopski.

Dieting is easy just work off
more calories than you eat
then before you know it
you can see your feet!


Eating cranberries and blueberries is
a diet I devised
I may not lose any weight
but I'll be anti oxidized!

Sunday, 11 November 2007

Silent Sunday!

Busy day today and my head's a bit sore so all you get is this I'm afraid!

Saturday, 10 November 2007

Post it Notes.

Pisems for Aunty Vix. (I better not get arrested for some breech of copyright law or I'll be round to see you!)

Post it Notes by Chopski.

If your written messages are
often eaten by a goat
stick them high up on the wall
with a useful post it note!

Post it notes are usually
yellow square and bright
so I'm sorry that I missed it
when I came home drunk last night!

Thursday, 8 November 2007

7 year olds homework?

A couple about fireworks to help Vi's son with his homework?!

It's firework night what a wonderful sight
but Mr Smith's acting weird
he read the instructions wrong the rockets not gone
and he's set fire to his beard!

Whizz, bang, crash, pop, whoosh
goes the rocket as we watch it fly higher
with a burger in a bun and a sparkler for fun
we keep warm around the fire.

Our Chicken.

I'm trying out a shorter version of the Pissoem. Please let me know what you think and any suggestions welcome.

Our Chicken by Chopski.

There's a chicken in the house who one day
ate a torch and every now and then
she lights up the night an incredible sight
we think she's a battery hen!

Tuesday, 6 November 2007


A pissoem for DJ Kirkby.

Glass by Chopski.

When you look out of your window it's quite hard to understand
that the pane of glass you're looking through started off as a grain of sand.

We take the stuff for granted and life without it would be starker
for example your house with no windows now that would be much darker!

Your bottle of wine with no bottle and how would you pour it in a glass
Champagne from a plastic tumbler now that really has no class!

So here's a case to recycle if not you might get spanked
save up all your bottles and make sure they're bottle banked!

Thanks for all your kind comments on the rambling rhymes. Before (if I haven't already) I thought I might try something a little different tomorrow, something shorter!!

Loch Ness Monster.

A pissoem for Her Indoors.

Loch Ness Monster by chopski.

I've come all the way to Urquhart Bay on a very special mission
I'm taking a boat on to the Loch and my aim it ain't a fishin'!

There's a huge monster living in these waters the locals call her Nessie
I aim to catch her with my harpoon gun and this could get quite messy.

My guide this week is Big Jocky who always wears a kilt
the wind was blowing strong this morning and I noticed he's well built!

He says the water is too rough today and a trip would be quite risky
so instead we'll go down to the pub and get drunk on the local whisky!

Monday, 5 November 2007


A pissoem for Lady in Red.

Spiders by chopski.

With eight legs they're very quick and sometimes black and hairy
nutters think they're rather cute but me I think they're scary!

Look they say about the web and it's intricate design
but me I say keep them away and then we will be fine.

The Black Widow or Funnel Web can kill you with a nip
so never touch a spider that would be my tip.

I do not like to kill them but if I see one black and red
I'll be stamping on it's back 'till the bloody thing is dead!

Sunday, 4 November 2007


A pissoem for Kahless.

Fun by Chopski.

Fun is something funny that often makes you laugh
like a little old lady slipping over on the path.

Fun can be a comic or a funny stand up bloke
a toddler saying a swear word or a lame knock knock joke.

Watching a funny movie that can make you smile
or a clown at the circus can get you rolling in the aisle.

Me I plump for sarcasm the lowest form of wit
some people don't like it but I don't give a shit!

Friday, 2 November 2007


Prada Pixies pissoem.

Radishes by Chopski.
I am a renowned radish expert and just so that you know
I've won best of class for the last ten years at the local vegetable show!

My bulbs are red and polished, the leaves shiny and green
Last year the expert judge said the best he'd ever seen.

My radishes are organic I grow them in manure
No genetics in my crop of that you can be sure.

Now they may look really lovely and at the show they are a hit
but never ever eat them because they really taste like shit!

Thursday, 1 November 2007


A Pissoem for Vi.

Warts by Chopski.

When I woke up this morning I wasn't happy that I found
Lots of little growths of skin all bobbily and round.

There were warts on my finger, my arm, my chest, my arsehole
one on my nose and a few on my foot near my metatarsal.

They were on my back and on my face I didn't like them much
and I really wasn't crazy about the one upon my crotch.

I went with all my angst to see my mother across the road
She said pull yourself together you're not a human you're a toad!