Sunday, 23 December 2007

Gift Wrapping Ideas

We all know, 'It's the thought that counts'.
But it doesn't cost the earth to show that you really care by wrapping your present beautifully.

I've got some great tips and simple ideas to help you make your gifts look stunning and original.

Five tips for a neatly wrapped gift
Don't use too much paper; it will be difficult to create neat folds.
Keep the paper tight, and crease firmly.
Use as little tape as possible, it will be easier to unwrap.
Keep gift in centre of paper so folds are symmetrical when finished.
Fold tatty edges under to keep them smart.
Before you begin wrapping
Find a hard flat surface to work on. This will make neat wrapping much easier.
Collect all equipment together - presents, paper, scissors, tape, ribbon, glue stick ....etc.
Keep equipment within reach, you can cut lengths of tape first to save time.
Once you have decided how you are going to wrap which presents, you are ready to begin!!

How to measure out the paper
Length - Place the gift 2 inches from the edge of the paper; roll the gift along the paper until you meet the edge of the gift where you began. This will give you enough paper to go all the way around the box plus 2 inches for sticking.

Width - The width of the paper should be no less than the width of the gift plus the height of the gift. The paper needs to go at least half way up the two sides of the gift. Much more and it gets messy.

Get Wrapping
Place the gift upside-down in the centre of the paper.
Bring up the two long sides of paper, and tape in place. Try to keep the join in the middle.
Keep the half wrapped gift upside-down.
Fold down the top pieces of paper and crease along the diagonal edge on both sides.
Fold the two side pieces in towards the middle. Crease along the diagonal edges on the bottom piece.
Fold up the bottom piece and tape in place.
Repeat process on the other end.

Finish off with some ribbon.

Some imaginative wrapping ideas
Show how much thought you've put into their gift before they even get it open.

Rainbow Leis
Break up a rainbow lei, or value rainbow lei.
Using a glue stick, either stick individual flowers on the gift wrap or build up the colours like we have here.
For a really girly look, stick over bright pink or red paper, for a more natural looking field of flowers use green wrap. Alternatively you could just tie a complete lei around the box, rather than a ribbon.

Stick flowers onto the card envelope too.

Confetti Sprinkles
To brighten up any plain colour wrapping, stick some confetti to the paper once wrapped. If using tissue wrap, use two or more layers and sprinkle some confetti inbetween the layers as well. Not only with the wrapped gift look lovely, but when it is ripped open there will be a cascade of brightly coloured confetti pieces. Don't forget to put some in the card as well.

Creepy Critters
This is a variation of the above method - more for the boys
As with the confetti, use more than one layer of tissue wrap. Sprinkle a few small creepy critters or other spiders between the layers when wrapping and stick some on the outside when finished. Or, just stick on the outside of any gift.

Jagged Stripes
Wrap the gift in two separate colours. Carefully rip through the top layer to reveal the colour below. Red over orange for flames, white over black for zebra stripes, you can use any colours or just different shades of the same colour.


List of resources
Keep these in your cupboards at all times and never be caught out by a last minute present again.
You'll save money on expensive gift wrap too.

Scissors - the sharper the better
Sticky Tape - narrow
Glue Stick - useful for tapeless presents and decoration
Wrapping paper - tissue paper and crepe paper is suitable for any occasion so always keep some in your cupboard.
Table Confetti - these colourful shapes cheer up a greetings card and create a sparkle inside any gift wrapping
Curling Ribbon - finishes off any package with a froth of curls

But how the fuck am I supposed to wrap this?

Saturday, 22 December 2007


December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 2nd
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that, Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 3rd
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director

December 7th
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?

Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director

December 9th
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces

December 10th
Vegetarians! I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now...Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Bitch from Hell

December 14th
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of
the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director

Friday, 21 December 2007

Christmas gift ideas?!

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas-after all, they've only known each other for three weeks. Romantic, yet not too personal. Accompanied by her younger sister, he goes to the mall and buys a pair of white gloves. The sister picks up a pair of panties for herself. But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels. The sister gets the gloves, the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties. Without checking, the guy rushes the suspect gift to his sweetie, after drafting this loving & helpful note...

"I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she'd been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There's no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas Eve."

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Wednesday, 19 December 2007

12 Days of Christmas

12 Days of Christmas

December 14, 1992
My dearest darling John:Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,Agnes

December 15, 1992
Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes

December 16, 1992
Dear John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love, Agnes

December 17, 1992
Dear John: Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes

December 18, 1992
Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes

December 19, 1992
Dear John: When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially, Agnes

December 20, 1992
John: What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely, Agnes

December 21, 1992
O.K. Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.

December 22, 1992
Hey Shithead: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours !

December 23, 1992
You rotten prick: Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you !

December 24, 1992
Listen Fuckhead: What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine. Your sworn enemy,

December 25, 1992
Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole

Tuesday, 18 December 2007

Rain Dear?

You getting a buzz about Christmas yet?

Better start soon unless you want to get in a pickle?!?!

Monday, 17 December 2007

Oh Christmas Tree!!

This is why I'm not allowed to put the Christmas tree up anymore!!

I think I used too much tinsel!!

Sunday, 16 December 2007

Sorry kids but Rudolf's Fucked!!

A 20-year-old Wisconsin man last year charged with having sex with a dead deer has been sentenced to probation and evaluation as a sex offender.

Bryan James Hathaway was cuffed on a "a misdemeanour charge of sexual gratification with an animal". The court case raised some interesting legal issues, since according to the defence, the relevant "crimes against sexual morality" statute prohibits sex with animals, but fails to mention carcasses.

Hathaway's attorney Fredric Anderson filed a motion which argued "because the deer was dead, it was not considered an animal and the charge should be dismissed". He insisted: "The statute does not prohibit one from having sex with a carcass."

This audacious interpretation of the law clearly cut little ice with the courts, because Hathaway earlier this month pleaded no contest to a charge of "misdemeanour mistreatment of an animal". Judge Michael Lucci sentenced him to six months' probabation and ordered him to be "evaluated as a sex offender and treated at the Institute for Psychological and Sexual Health in Duluth, Minnesota".

The judge admitted: "The type of behaviour is disturbing. It's disturbing to the public. It's disturbing to the court."

Hathaway had previously been convicted of a related offence in April 2005, when he pleaded "no contest to one felony charge of mistreatment of an animal for the shooting death of Bambrick, a 26-year-old horse, to have sex with the animal".

Although he received just probation for his latest escapade, local animals can sleep sound in their beds since he attracted a nine-month jail sentence back in February for violating the extended supervision order slapped on him for his equicide outrage.

Saturday, 15 December 2007

Christmas is Cancelled!

Christmas is cancelled due to Santa taking the winter off and heading to the beach!!

Friday, 14 December 2007

Scary Santa

Why not take your kids to see Santa over the festive period?

Or not?!!

Tuesday, 11 December 2007

Ken's Christmas Letter.

Ken c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo,
CA 90245

Santa Claus North Pole,
North Pole
December 23, 1998

Dear Santa:

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. Along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length.
My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.


Monday, 10 December 2007

An Award!

I got an award from Katy, thanks very much for this and the kind words!!

Due to the picture content of the award I thought the following poem poignant. Unfortunately it's not one of mine I robbed it from somewhere on the www!


'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.

'Cuz the cat had pounced on him
and tore him apart-
Ate his mousey intestines
And chewed up his heart.

Kitty thought he heard sleigh bells,
which made him take pause-
He stopped daintily licking
the blood from his claws.

"Must be Santa" thought Kitty
(that quite clever cat)
'Cuz nobody else climbs down
the chimney like that.

Indeed it was ol' Santa,
so jolly and fat
With a load of presents
and all for the cat!

"Wow, the best Christmas ever!"
Kitty thought with a purr,
Then he coughed up a hairball
and shed some more fur.

Sunday, 9 December 2007

Barbie's Christmas letter.

c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245

Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 1996

Dear Santa:

Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas
Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many
tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had
better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and
trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998:


1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker.
How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels
like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to
cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, get it done.

6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet,
a public relations senior account exec!

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line.
If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas.

It's that simple.

Yours truly,

Friday, 7 December 2007

Christmas One-liners

What is special about the Christmas alphabet?
It has NO EL.

What happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?
You get tinsel-itus!

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
He likes to ho-ho-ho.

How does Santa Claus take photos?
With his North Pole-aroid.

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve.

Why are Christmas trees like people who can't knit?
They both drop their needles!

Which reindeer needs to mind his manners the most?

What do you call a group of chess fanatics bragging about their
games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas?
Sandy Claus!

What do you call a reindeer wearing earmuffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you!

Thursday, 6 December 2007

Tuesday, 4 December 2007

Alternative Christmas Fairy?!

I found a Christmas fairy ----->

well maybe not a Christmas fairy ----->

but definately a fairy ----->

and I'm sure if you poke the top of the Christmas tree up his arse he'd sit there happily for hours!! ----->

Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas!!!

Monday, 3 December 2007

Little Known Christmas Fact

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.