Wednesday, 25 February 2009

The day the doctor punched me!

I have a history of skin cancer and over the last decade I've had several lumps of my face removed. When I noticed another patch of skin on my face a couple of months ago I was convinced it was back. My GP agreed with me and arranged for me to visit the Dermatologist. I went today.

I'd never been to this clinic before previously using the one out of town where; they looked it my face, didn't like what they saw then proceeded to cut out chunks. Not here!

The young doctor wasn't convinced even though I told her that it was the same as the previous ones (I had a history here) though reluctantly agreed to get a second opinion. She told me there was a long waiting list and they shouldn't operate if there was nothing wrong with me. I understand and agree with this but if the previous doctors had thought the same I'd probably be dead by now. Her colleague suggested I have a biopsy which was fine, at least I find out one way or the other but she could have done that of her own back couldn't she? Does she have to pay for the procedure? Is it any skin off her nose?

The doctor doing the biopsy was very nice and even offered to show me the instruments he was going to use. Erm, no thank you! He also told me that the wound was oozing quite a bit but that was because I had a good blood flow being so YOUNG! Nice man. That was after he punched me with the biopsy punch.

Friday, 20 February 2009


I went to the cinema yesterday, it wasn't just me mind I had a small boy in tow. We saw the 11.30 showing of Bolt which I thought was in 3D but it wasn't or maybe I just never picked up the glasses. Anyway the cinema wasn't exactly full even though the girl on the till made out it was. We were all crammed into a small area in the middle of the cinema and all the outside seats were empty. This might have been OK if my small charge had sat still for 30 seconds and if the boy sat on the other side of me hadn't smelt like yeast. The yeast smell wasn't a big issue to start with but the air-con wasn't on and as the movie progressed with the people in close proximity it got warmer and warmer and so did the smell.

So, it got hotter and smellier and someone got fidgetier!

Now at the start of the movie I was told to turn off my phone, I presume so as not to annoy anyone. But as soon as the movie started half the cinema took out a crinkly packet of whatever and a straw that's only aim in life was to suck at the tiny bit of liquid at the bottom of their cup. Not annoying at all!

We spent £15 to be in a hot, smelly, uncomfortable and noisy environment to watch the movie. No wonder there are so many pirate copies about! The little man enjoyed it though so I guess that's all that counts?

On an unrelated topic; has anyone any idea why the 'm' key on my keyboard is disappearing?

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

Oi! Smailesy!

Boy (#3 son) and book were found in Waterstones in Portsmouth if you want the books back on display you better pay up pronto Mrs Smailes!
Ha,ha ha and more manic laughter!



A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well... I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand"

Thursday, 12 February 2009


January was pretty damn hectic in our household and February doesn't seem so be slowing down much either. I'm about halfway through my second novel but finding time to write anything at the moment is a bit of a struggle. With help from DJ I'm putting aside an hour every (nearly every) night to get some words on paper. The only problem is that there is so much going on inside my little brain I can't seem to concentrate for long. I also keep having a recurring dream about a seagull in my bedroom!

So, to help me remember things that I think of during the day that may help my writing in the evening I have taken to writing myself notes. I did this today. It was relevant, funny and a pivotal part of the story. Well it would have been if I hadn't fucking lost it!

There was something about Doris and the roses but I don't remember! And why can't I stop thinking there has something to do with a huge pecky seagull? Arrrgh!

If you find it please send it on to me, there may be a reward!

Friday, 6 February 2009

Voted the best Austrailian joke of 2008

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her..

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?'

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!'

Wednesday, 4 February 2009

Four from the bottom!

Now I've been tagged by Tom Foolery to do something that was a bit difficult for me. Firstly because I had to follow instructions (like that's going to happen) then I had to dig out my fourth photo album. Like I've got photo albums 1-3? I don't take the photos mainly because I'm inept and I can't work the camera. Why do they make it so difficult? I just want to point it and press the button but by the time you sort out all the settings it's bloody dark and everyone's gone home. So rather than let her down my trusty mobile phone came to the rescue. I now and again take the odd picture on my phone and after my boys bought me a gadget for Christmas I can load them onto my computer. Now we had two choices she could have one 4 from the top of the list which was a picture from the window of the toilet at work. Not as bad as you may think, a view of the Guildhall and the train station but I plumped for the one 4 from the bottom which I took from the car as I was waiting to go into the dump!
Electricity from the landfill methane? No shit!

Tuesday, 3 February 2009

Am I Santa?

I usually get a bit peckish on delivery but have found this week a bit of a revelation. Kids all around my delivery have been putting food out for me to help me get round in this freezing cold weather. They all seem very health conscious which isn't really a problem to me but a bit of variety might be nice. Why do they all leave me carrots? They go to a lot of trouble rolling a mixture of snow, grass, earth and dog shit into a ball shape then put a smaller one on top. This is where they kindly display the carrot. One smart arse left me liquorice, which I'm quite partial to, but it didn't half taste like coal!

So; thanks to all the kids out there looking out for my welfare but next time it snows try leaving a pasty!

PS. TF I haven't forgotten.