Friday, 31 August 2007


For those of you who read my post on adverts for feminine products on TV what about this poster?

Now that's advertising!!

Tuesday, 28 August 2007

Power Bird?

I 'borrowed' this from Jamies' blog to find out what sort of power bird I am. Apparently I'm a vulture! The write up sounds pretty good though sounds nothing like me, but a vulture? Am I happy about that? No, I don't think so!

What is your power bird?

Your Power Bird is a Vulture

You are always changing your life and the lives of those around you.
You aren't afraid to move on from what holds you back.
Energetic and powerful, you have a nearly unlimited capacity for success.
You know how to "go with the flow" and take advantage of what is given to you.

Sunday, 26 August 2007

Minor Injuries Walk in Unit!

  • I got bitten again!

  • On the leg again (the other one)!

  • Swelled up like a balloon again!

  • Oozed yucky goo again!

It happened on Friday but didn't swell up until Saturday morning, Saturday when the doctors are closed. If I was going to get any anti-biotics I was going to have to go to A+E or the Minor Injuries Walk in Unit. I plumped for the latter as at A+E I'd be in for the day amongst the blood, beer and urine!

I walked in at 12:20 and went up to reception to be greeted with a sign EXPECT AT LEAST A ONE HOUR WAIT! so I settled down to read my book, the one that I had left on the kitchen table! I scanned the table in front of my chair which was full of magazines, unfortunately they were all Yachting Monthly and held no interest for me whatsoever. So the only thing left for passing the time was a bit of people watching. I wanted to put my sunglasses back on but that would be too obvious, so I would have to be discreet!

I sat back in my chair and had a quick scan of the waiting area, it was surprisingly clean. Not a trace of coal or soot in the place, the miners must have to go home to wash and change before they came in. It's only been open about a year and everything still looked freshly painted and new, there were vending machines for hot and cold drinks, sweets and crisps and a water fountain, all of which were out of order. Oh well, it wasn't as if I had a long wait in the oppressive heat now was it!

The unit uses a numbering system a bit like the cold meat counter at Tesco and when your number is called you take your completed form to reception. Then you wait until the triage nurse comes out and assess you in order of importance or sends you home with a flea in your ear. She does this in the waiting area so everyone knows why you are there (man I'm glad I managed to get my willy out of the milk bottle!). Everybody seemed to be in with a bad leg so when I went up to the counter I limped for effect hoping if mine looked worse than everybody else I'd move up the list!

I was sat in a three sided square, or a square with only three sides, not a triangle smart ass, a square with one of its sides taken away! Anyway, sat next to me on my left, were two well groomed lads in their twenty's texting and giggling. They had been assessed before I arrived so I didn't know why they were there. One of them had a limp, must have been a good night! At a right angle to the right of me was a young lad with his mum and dad, he'd hurt his ankle playing football. Opposite was an older man who had torn his bicep, looked nasty, and a middle aged man with something in his eye. This left one chair and was soon taken by number 25, a large man with an abscess on his face, toothache or something. It held a great fascination for me and I found myself staring at this huge lump growing out of the side of his face. I realised he had seen me looking so I averted my gaze downwards and wished I hadn't. The seam had gone in the crotch of his dirty brown trousers and he was trying to escape! Gross!

I shut my eyes and tried to sleep!!

I knew where I was on the list and after an hour and twenty minutes I was next. That was until a lady walked in who had crashed her car and her head hurt and an old man in a wheelchair wearing a crash-helmet, pushed by two carers, who had hurt his foot. Bollocks! Twenty minutes later a young Nurse Practitioner called me in.

Now I don't know if it was me, her, or it was the fact she was working on a sunny Saturday (I'd already been into work lady) but she was as grumpy as hell. Her lip actually curled up as she looked at me. I smiled, that didn't help! She started asking me a list of questions and I seemed to be doing fine until she asked me if I was allergic to anything. "Bites" was my reply. She stopped writing and looked at me with an evil stare tapping the paper with her pen. Looked like I had crossed some sort of line and I wasn't even trying to be funny. Fuck knows what would have happened if I had tried to be? She wasn't happy with my leg so she went for help. Now I had two of them staring at my leg and sucking their breath in between their teeth. I was beginning to feel like I was in a freak show for mechanics!

They came up with the consensus that I needed anti-biotics and a dressing, something I had suggested when I arrived at the place. My Nurse Practitioner went to get the tablets and a dressing and returned pulling on rubber gloves in an aggressive manner. She opened the dressing and promptly dropped it, I tried to stifle a laugh as she went out for another.

Dressing on and pills in hand I head for the door two hours after I arrived. "I need to see you again on Monday to check your progress" she says as I rush for the exit.


Thursday, 23 August 2007

My Retirement Fund!!

Back to work this week after three weeks off and I'm not coping well with the return. My legs ache, my shoulders ache, my headaches and every time I stop moving I fall asleep. I've fallen asleep so many times on the couch this week I've swapped the cushions for my pillow! And, and, I've been in bed by ten every night! It's getting so bad that when I woke up at 3:30 this morning and realised I still had another hour in bed I was so excited I couldn't go back to sleep! I can't do this for another 21 years! Please god, NOOOOOOO!

So this got me thinking (or maybe dreaming) if people (you) gave me some (loads) of money I could retire. I know it happens, people giving away fortunes to strangers and I'm not really a stranger, strange maybe? Or bloggers put little tag thingys on their blogs asking for donations, so I don't have a tag thingy, whats a tag thingy between friends?!

There you have it, your opportunity to help me stop falling asleep in Big Brother and let me retire. Large donations gratefully received. Thanks!!

Saturday, 18 August 2007

B Movies!?!

After spending some of last night with Her Indoors exchanging comments with a honey/bee theme it got me thinking about how many movies were influenced by the humble honey bee. I've listed a few below but am sure there are more and I'm sure you'll tell me!!

  1. The Swarm (obviously).
  2. Honey I Shrunk the Kids (and sequels).
  3. B.Witched.
  4. Honeymoon in Vegas.
  5. The Sting
  6. The Beach. (Beeish?)

Stuck now and need a bit of help, please!!

Thursday, 16 August 2007

Truthful Thursday?

Went into college this morning to find out how I got on with my honey making exam. Well pleased, they gave me a B!!

Tuesday, 14 August 2007

Meme (whatever the hell that is)!

Kahless sent, via DJ Kirkby, five questions for Ivana. Here they are complete with answers;

  1. Please describe yourself, in the style of a dating advert. I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain. I'm not into yoga and have half-a-brain. I like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape. I'm the lady you've looked for, write to me, and escape.

  2. What is your most outstanding (feminine) quality? I have so many its hard to choose but I think I'll have to go with; humility!

  3. What is your worst habit? Biting my toenails, I sure get some funny looks whilst doing it on the train!

  4. Your latest novel has just gone straight in at number one in the Times Bestseller list. How will you celebrate? Well, as I only read The Star and Heat I might miss that! Anyway, let's presume someone told me and I'd be straight on the plane to Thailand. They have a colonic irrigation holiday at a beach resort somewhere along the coast there. I think Nicole Richie went there once and I've been longing to try it! I ate a marble when I was six and have never seen it since! Fingers crossed because I think it was a 'shiny'.

  5. What makes you smile? I think around seventeen muscles in my face, less than it takes to frown apparently!

Kahless was kind enough to give me this award. Thanks K and so pink!!

Saturday, 11 August 2007

Zebra Crossings!!

A zebra crossing is a type of pedestrian crossing used in many places around the world. The crossing is characterised by longitudinal stripes (hence the term, named after the zebra) on the road, parallel to the flow of the traffic, alternately a light colour (usually white) and a dark one (painted black, or left unpainted if road surface itself is of a dark colour). The stripes are typically 40 to 60 centimetres (16 inches to 2 feet) wide. Pedestrians always have right of way on a zebra crossing.

I was going to have a rant about drivers and their attitude to the good old Zebra Crossing. We have one close by and when you step out on it you take your life in you own hands, no fucker stops! Pedestrians always have right of way on a zebra crossing.

But I shan't!

Today I got my name in print! Well not my name, Ivana Chopski, but hey it was close! The book plopped on the doormat this morning and there was my story nestled in amongst nineteen others on page 117. The postman must think I'm some kind of pervert, but it was a tongue in cheek (I can't do serious) tale about a woman getting a spanking for her fortieth birthday!

It wasn't Peoples Friend but I can live in hope!

PS; Pedestrians always have right of way on a zebra crossing.

Saturday, 4 August 2007

Does what it says on the tin!!

Today we had Scottish Smoked Haddock for supper, it carried a warning on the back; THIS PRODUCT CONTAINS FISH.

Thank fuck for that!!

Wednesday, 1 August 2007

Hippo Bottimus

I've been stripping wallpaper for as long as I can remember. When we moved in here last year we decided the wallpaper in the hall, stairs and landing had to go. It was an embossed style paper which they hadn't managed to match exactly or reach the skirting or ceiling in places. To hid these inadequacies they had painted that is after they had made sure it was stuck down with super glue. This wasn't the only problem, I found another layer! This had been here since 1912 and didn't want to go anywhere, as we are painting the bare walls it had to and we've been having a war of wills which thankfully is nearly over.

Whilst lost in my own world merrily (and at times not so merrily) scraping I started wondering about stuff, stuff I need to bore you with, eg;

When I was little, we as kids at school used to have the pleasure of Izal toilet paper. I'm sure some of you will remember it and for those who don't it was like tracing paper and would slip up your spine. Things have moved on a lot since then and little'un has moist toilet training wipes. Hippo Bottimus proudly exclaims, they are for little bottoms, hands and faces too, hopefully not in that order! They are a great idea, especially as he has such a problem wiping his bottom and then getting sore, but, there has to be a but in a toilet story, why are they fragranced? Not just any fragrance these are sunshine fruity! That's fucking weird if you ask me, but brings me on to the next thing; He has a supply of wet wipes which are 'fragrance free' and they definitely smell of something! So, being anal, I've been smelling items that proclaim 'fragrance free' and lo and behold they all smell of something. It's got me well confused!

Confused enough to ask why, when locally there was a Mystic and Holistic Fayre it had to be advertised, surely the people going there would automatically know where and when it would be!

Back to stripping!!