Tuesday, 26 February 2008

Never Choke in a restaurant in the South

Never Choke in a restaurant in the South

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Friday, 22 February 2008

The inane ramblings of a madman!

I came across this and really don't understand most of it but thought I'd share it with you anyway!

How many men does it take to open a beer?None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let the wife cook in the dark.

What are the three fastest means of communication? 1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Telawoman!

Feminism: A socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her.

What is 6" long, has a head on it and drives women crazy? Money

How can you tell if a woman has an orgasm? Who cares?

Why do women fake orgasms? They think we care.

Why do women like intelligent men? Opposites attract.

What do you call an intelligent woman in America? A tourist.

Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep!

How many men does it take to mop a floor? None. It's a woman's job.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

How is marriage like a hot bath? Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

A businessman, an intelligent woman, and the Easter Bunny get into an elevator. There is a $10 note lying on the ground. Who picks it up? The businessman; the other two don't exist!

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told!

Why do women have breasts? To make suckers out of men.

What is that useless piece of skin called around a vagina? The woman!

25 Rules For Women (By Men)
1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or the local Patagonia store.
4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
5. Butthead is the smart one.
6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship".
9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
11. Socks never constitute a gift.
12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
14. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
17. Curley is the bald one.
18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
20. It's in neither your interest nor ours to take "The Quiz" together.
21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
24. No, you can't have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.

God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions so he decides to create a companion for man as well.He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg." Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies reluctantly, "I don't know God, an arm and a leg is an awful lot, what could I get for, say, a rib..."

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose?That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain."What are you doing here?" the Captain asked."I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained."He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."To which the Captain replied, "He sure is, lady... This is the Staten Island Ferry."

How to treat a Woman?

Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Cuddle her.
Shop with her.
Give her diamonds.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

Show up naked.
Bring take-away.
Don't block the TV.

Saturday, 16 February 2008


Thanks for the get well wishes. I seem to be suffering from extremes at the moment; either too hot or too cold, wide awake then fast asleep or coughing for England or not at all! Here is a couple more extremes for you..........

Got paper .......................

Need paper!!

Tuesday, 12 February 2008

Why are men never depressed.

Men Are Just Happier People;
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.
A ten-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is £5.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier. Just ask Mr Happy Crack!