Bathtub

A Pissoem as requested by DJ Kirkby.

Bathtub by Chopski.

Sitting here in my bath full of hot water and soft bubbles

I can soak for hours and wash away all my troubles.

I share it with a rubber duck, my radio and soft light

it's really quite relaxing on a cold October night.

I've read my book and paper and a ladies magazine
I've had a wash and a shave and brushed my teeth so clean.

The cat's in on the action and sitting on my lap

I'd really like to get out now but my toes stuck up the tap!

Pissoems

Kahless wrote a Pissoem which she tells me means piss poor poem, I actually thought it was very good. Me I reckon I'm an expert at piss poor poems and to prove the fact I wrote a Pissoem about my day.

The Library by Chopski.

Today I went to the library to borrow a new book
I only had ten minutes so had a very quick look.

The choice was very limited and nothing that I'd fancy
no Stephen King no John Grisham not even Thomas Clancy.

They had on show a lot of Cd's, DVDs and audio cassettes,
kids books, atlases and loads of books on pets.

I asked the aging assistant for erotica or pornography
she gave me two by Mills and Boon and I went home for my tea.

I am available for weddings, parties and bar mitzvahs. I'm so confident of my ability in Pissoem writing that if you leave a topic in the comments box I'll write a Pissoem about it. Might not be today or tomorrow but sometime!!

A Diet?!

It looks like we are going on a diet!

So here are some diet facts;

A diet is a weigh of life.

It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.

It's something most of us do religiously: We eat what we want and pray we don't gain weight.

The problem with curbing our appetites is that most of us do it at the drive in window of McDonalds.

The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.

The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak.

Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.

Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.

The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat.

Diets are for women who not only kept their girlish figure but doubled it.

A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.

Many women reduce and reduce, yet still never manage to become a bargain.

The best way to lose weight is by skipping ... snacks and desert.

Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two...alone.

People go to Weight Watchers to learn their lessens.

A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts its calories instead of its blessings.

A diet is what you go on when not only can't you fit into the store's dresses, you can't fit into the dressing room.

One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike: If you're thin, don't eat fast. If you're fat, don't eat - FAST.

I CAN'T be held responsible for any of these facts as I stole them from a web page!!

Taking the Piss?!

Not had a post on here for a while about toilets and toileting issues so I think I better rectumfy that!

My mate at work (The Big Fella) has a three year old son who goes to the big toilet on his own. After having a wee he likes to wipe the end of his willy with a bit of toilet roll (his son that is though maybe he does too). Well actually he unfurls about a third of a roll, dabs the end of said appendage and fills the bowl up with tissue. TBF says to him "Son you only need to use a little bit not half the roll when you wipe your willy!" and his son agrees.

The next time the little boy heads for the toilet TBF sneaks up after him to check if he is doing as he is told. He hides behind the door and watches as his son takes a whizz and then starts to unfurl the toilet roll. He takes hold of the end of the roll wipes his willy then rolls it back up!

Now this is my advice to you; If you are in a strangers house and need to use the toilet and if you are using toilet roll discard the first few sheets as you never know where they have been!

Pardon?

My Wordless Wednesday!

Half-Term

It's half-term and #3 son has made it through his first few weeks at school with very little incident. We are amazed and grateful at the same time and in equal amounts as we thought the change was going to be a nightmare. There have been a couple of small blips but nothing worth a mention here.

I think the person who gets most stressed out about going to school is me!

When we pick up the kids at home time we have to stand in a certain spot and when Teacher spots us she sends the appropriate kid out which is fine but, it's before that is the problem. A few minutes before the kids are due to be let out the door opens, Teacher sticks her head out and scans the parents. Her eyes darting back and forth until she spots the parent she's looking for then she steps out of the class, shuts the door behind her then strides purposefully towards her prey. I've now got all my fingers crossed chanting to myself please don't be me, please don't be me!

All eyes are now on Teacher as she strides across the playground and a huge sigh of relief goes out when she stops at a parent that isn't you. Then quiet as everyone stares at this poor parent and tries to listen to what went on during the day.

One day that parent was me!

Everyone looked, sighed and went silent as Teacher informed me that another child had bitten #3 son. What a bad parent am I?! I never asked if he was OK I was just so pleased he was bitten not the biter!

End of half-term report: #3 son doing fine but Dad must try harder!

'Stinking' Cold!!

Feeling sorry for myself! I've got a stinking cold and my throat hurts and if I'm not coughing up junk it's pouring from my nose. It must be flu jab time as I always get a cold when I'm supposed to queue up with all the ill people to be injected with the virus I'm trying to avoid!?

But! No matter how blocked my nose is I can still smell the awful stench that is permeating its way around our house. We've just managed to get rid of the stink of fish which we blamed on the neighbours but happened to be a light fitting at the top of the stairs! The previous owners of the house had used the wrong size fitting plastic part at the end of the light flex and subsequently when the light went on the bulb heated up the plastic and the smell of fish wafted around the house.

Now we have the stench of rotting cabbage not dis-similar to the smell when black cat brought a mouse into the house and it died behind the fridge. I can't find where the fuck its coming from! Arrggh! The phone guy is coming round sometime this morning between 8 and 12 so I'm stuck indoors. He's going to think I'm crazy sat in the rotting stench house with all the windows open wearing my coat and hat.

Where did I put the Valium?

Gratuitous Plug!

This is not a real blog more of a gratuitous plug! A friend of a friend has just started Blogging about his adventure to find the RSbandits of Guadalajara and if you fancy something a bit different to read over your cornflakes why not click HERE and give it a go?

While I'm in plugging mode I'm up to chapter5 of E-Male for those of you who are following the story. Thank you for reading!

Talented?

This week Ian Botham was Knighted by the Queen and well deserved I say. Not that I would condone everything that he got up too but hey, most people do something they regret now and then. When I was younger 'Beefy' was a hero of mine, a top class sportsman who would give his all for his sport and still be able to let his hair down. Just having him in your team would have been a bonus, even not on form it would have been like having an extra man. Then the charity walks, he raised a fortune when he could have been at home with his feet up!

So now to the reason for this post. I was listening to Sir Ian on the radio this week and he was asked about his cricket and whether his talent came naturally or whether he had to work at it. he had replied that he definitely had a talent but had to work hard to develop that talent into something special. He added that everyone has a talent they just have to find it then work on it.

Now, is this right? If you think you have a talent do you share it with others or keep it too yourself? Say for example you feel you have a talent for something, in your mind you are the greatest then you share it with others and they think your talent sucks. What then? You thought you were good at something and no-one else agrees so you find yourself talentless?

What if you haven't discovered your talent yet how do you go about unearthing it? how many stones are left unturned before you discover your forte' is crocheting rugs?

I hope you enjoyed this light reading for Sunday morning! Oh, and I actually know one of the men in the picture and it isn't the one in the middle!

Bank of Africa

I was reading Spanish Goth's blog earlier and he was talking about all the useless spam he gets. This reminded me of an email I got the other day which I've pasted below. Do people actually reply to this crap? It made a change from the Viagra offers and the penis enlargement advice I usually get.

Dear Sir/Madam,

I know that this letter may come to you as a surprise but due to the urgency of this transaction.First I must solicit your confidence in this transaction, this is by virtue of it's nature as being utterly confidential and top secret. Though I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make any one apprehensive and worried, but I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day. There is no doubt that trust conceptually is a conundrum which leadsitself to deferring interpretation, we have decided to contact you due to the urgency of this transaction.

I am the manager of bill and exchange at the foreign remittance department of BANK OF AFRICA(BOA). I came to know you in my private search for a reliable and reputable person to handle this Confidential Transaction, which involves thetransfer of a huge sum of money to a foreign account requiring maximum confidence.

I am writing to you, following the impressive information received about you from the chambers of commerce. I believed that you are capable and reliable to champion this business opportunity. In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of $14.5m US dollars (Fourteen million five hundred thusand US dollars). In an account that belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with his entire family On 21 July, 2003 in a plane crash in Nairobi Kenya, killing all people on board and you can view the site for more details:http:/http://www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/africa/07/20/kenya.crash/index.html

Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines but unfortunately we learnt that all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim. It is therefore upon this discovery that I and my colleagues in my department now decided to make this business proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and we don't want this money to go into the Bank treasury as unclaimed Bill.

The Banking law and guideline here stipulates that if such money remained unclaimed after six years, the money will be transferred into the Bank treasury as unclaimed fund. The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner.

We agree that 35% of this money will be for you as foreign partner, in respect to the provision of a foreign account, 5 % will be set aside for expenses incurred after the business and 60 % would be for me and my colleagues. There after I and my colleagues will visit your country for disbursement according to the percentages indicated.

Therefore to enable the immediate transfer of this fund to you as arranged, you must apply first to the bank as relations or next of kin of the deceased indicating your bank name, your bank account number,your private telephone and fax number for easy and effective communication and location where the money will be remitted.

Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you by fax or email the text of the application. I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is hitch free and that you should not entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the transfer.
You should contact me immediately as soon as you receive this letter.

Trusting to hear from you immediately.
Yours faithfully,

MR. DIALO MOHAMMED
Bill and exchange manager,
BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)

AND ALL WHO SAIL IN HER!!

My take on 'Wordless Wednesday'. What would you call your boat?

Alter Egos?

Lady in Red and Casdok both have this on their bloggs so I thought I'd have a go. I think it's great that I look like Marion Jones! Is that before or after the performance enhancing drugs I wonder?

http://www.myheritage.com/collage

Thanks for all the support on the last post guys, very much appreciated! And for those of you following my story E-Male the next chapter is up today.

Strike!!

I wasn't going to talk about the strike and have been biting my tongue but now it's starting to hurt! I'm not militant and am not that keen on striking, work to rule would be just as effective to my mind and I wouldn't lose 4 days pay that I really can't afford to lose, but I feel I have to support the union on this one.

Say for example your employer wanted to make you work more and pay you less, change your hours at their whim, reduce your pension while making you work later in life because they took a 7 year holiday on the payments and can no longer fund it and at the same time give the boss £1,000,000 bonus would you be happy? They won't even tell us how much profit they made last year until the negotiations are over, why?

We are being slated for being "greedy bastards!" but we only want a fair days pay for a fair days work. The management want to get up at 4am and try carting half a dozen mail bags weighing 16 kilos for 4 hours in all weather for a month or so to take home £250 a week then tell us we are overpaid!

On Friday I was supposed to finish at 12:20 but had a van-load of parcels so stayed on past 13:30 to clear them so they weren't left in the office until next Wednesday. I had the radio on and people were ringing up and blasting us. We need support in our action and the management to get it in the ear. We are not lazy and greedy!

Sorry to get on my bandwagon, normal service will return next week!

Getting Old!!

Some things make me realise I'm getting old like; when the days seem to fly by and I've done 'nothing'! How my memory is totally crap apart from song lyrics from 1979 to 1985! My bladder lets me down when I sneeze or laugh a lot! I grow and shed hair at a rate of knots; when I got out of the bath today I thought one of the cats was being sucked down the plug-hole! My memory is totally crap apart from song lyrics from 1979 to 1985! I can't read the tv guide on the television screen without putting on my glasses or getting closer! I make involuntary noises when I bend down and when I get back up! I want to write to Jamie Oliver for using metal spoons in a non-stick pan (he's going to ruin them!).I'm sure there are a hundred more but my memory is totally crap apart from song lyrics from 1979 to 1985!

I can cope with all of these things, I think, but something nearly pushed me over the edge today when I dropped #3 son of at school. The lollipop lady was younger than me, younger by a lot! And, grrrrr, fucking grrrr; she made me wait while she stopped the traffic for me!

I wonder if I complain about her to the council I can get her the sack? Fuck, another 'getting old' sign!

PS. How come when I search for lollipop lady pictures I'm inundated with porn??