Nudist Trampolining

Everybody needs to try this it's great!! Go to http://www.nudisttrampolining.com/ and bounce to your hearts content!

Silent Saturday!!

I know DJ has a 'Wordless Wednesday' well I've snuck in a 'Silent Saturday'. I just couldn't resist when I saw this. I'm saying nothing!

Retribution!!

Work is shit at the moment, ever since we started industrial action really, but this week was very shit! We've had arguments, squaring-up, bitching, bullying, tears and that's just me! So today when we had a little light relief it cheered me up no end.

I've been doing overtime with my mate 'big fella' this week and today is the only day we didn't get wet! We'd had quite an uneventful week and today was no exception until that is, we were just about to drive back to the office.

I was driving the big red Tranny and we were delivering parcels. I'd park and while he knocked the door I'd get the next one ready, what a team! Three to go as we stopped outside a house on the main road and this car pulls up beside us. The driver, who is either Scottish or has been stung in the mouth by a bee, opens his door and sticks out his head (not really sure why, cars in Scotland don't have wind-down windows?).

He looks at big fella and starts shouting at him.

"What did he say?" Big fella says to me and I just shrug my shoulders. So he asks him to repeat it, which he does, a bit louder this time like that's going to help. It doesn't!

"Ain't got a clue mate!" Big fella says to him and gets out of the cab, walks past him and goes off to deliver the parcel.

His face is going purple now and I think his head is going to explode so I get out of the van and go and see if I can help.

"What's up?" I ask and receive in reply a tirade which is undecipherable apart from a few words I think I recognise; kilt, whisky, ginger and pair of cunts!

"Try again only this time a bit, no err, a lot, slower!" He does and this time I get the drift. It seems that he thinks we came out of a slip road right in front of him and he had to jamb on the brakes. He wasn't happy!

I try to explain to him that we haven't been up any slip roads, it couldn't have been us and it's a case of mistaken identity. He wasn't having any of it and started ranting again. There is quite a queue of cars built up behind him and one starts beeping its horn. They also get a mouthful, he slams his door shut and drives off!

We drive off bemused to finish the last couple of parcels and see the mad man stop outside his house, he watches us go by. We have to drive past his house on the way back to the office and by a quirk of fate the traffic stops us right outside his house. He's parked his car in the garage now and is just getting out of it when he clocks us again. He tries to rush out of the garage but seems to get caught up in the seat belt and falls forward. As he falls he tries to gain his balance and in doing so knocks all the garden tools neatly hung on the wall which then rain onto the roof of his car. He ends up in a pile on his driveway still staring at us. We look at each other and piss ourselves laughing. The traffic moves and we drive off, laughing all the way back to the office!

Now before all you PC friendly people start telling me that you shouldn't laugh at another persons misfortune, I know but I don't really give a shit because he deserved it and, and, (two ands for special effect) it was as funny as fuck!!

Did I Lie? Of Course!

Thanks to Prada Pixie for getting me to do the list, I wasn't keen at first, but was a bit of fun in the end.

The first two were true, I was born in Newcastle Upon Tyne and my Grandma seemed to know everyone! The third one was also true unfortunately. I walked past a group of kids who were teasing someone by dropping their hat on a metal tube that joined the electrics on two road bridges. A young girl bent over to retrieve it, fell and never recovered! Number four? Natural highlights, sometimes called grey. Five for my sins was also true. I was even going to get in his car until I realised he stopped me for something else! I broke my arm after the drainpipe came away from the wall when I tried to get a football off the roof and mince is great for getting grease out of your nails.

So that leaves number six, though I don't really look at myself as superstitious. If not walking under ladders, throwing spilt salt over my shoulder, being nervous of only one magpie and having to say hello to it and not using a condom more than once makes me superstitious then I guess I must be.

Well done to Lady in Red who got the right answer!

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Created by Bart King

They had the cheek to ask me if I was cheating and would I like to try again, as if!!

Tagged!!

Prada Pixie tagged me to list 8 things about me that no-one knows. OK, you did ask!

1. My Grandma lived next door to Mickey Gallagher's (the keyboard player in Ian Dury and the Blockheads) Grandmother.


2. Bobby Moncur (ex Newcastle United and Scotland captain) rescued my escaped budgie from a tree when I was little.


3. I once saw a teenage girl fall from a road bridge and die all because of some stupid prank!


4. I don't dye my hair the highlights are natural.


5. When I was 21 the police stopped me for driving with a faulty light. I'd drunk 6 pints and he didn't breathalyse me! I took this as an omen and never drunk and drove again!


6. I'm not superstitious.


7. I broke my arm climbing up a drainpipe which came away from the wall. Ouch!!


8. In my teens I worked in a butchers on Wednesday afternoons. The butcher used to get me to make the mince, I've never been able to get my nails as clean since!

One of these is a lie! Which one?

Strawberries and Champagne.

It was Heathers birthday on Monday and due to the action packed weekend we decided to open a bottle of Champagne on Sunday night when the boys were gone or in bed to toast the occasion! Now Heather loves Champagne, me, I can take it or leave it. To be honest, if you are spending £30 on a bottle you might as well buy a nice single malt but hey it's not my birthday! I offer to go get a bottle and Heather has three listed in order of preference, I take the list and toddle off.

It's a huge well known supermarket (Sainsburys) and they have none from the list and only two over £20 so I phone Heather. She doesn't answer so I take a photo of one with my phone and the other is their own label premier brand. I walk home empty handed but show her the photo, the picture quality is crap and no-one can read it. Then one of her friends pipes up "the premier own label had a great write up in the Guardian!". I go back to said store and buy a bottle which we put on ice for later!

The boys are in bed, we have a large bowl of strawberries, bottle of ice cold Champagne, crystal glasses and settle down on the couch. I expertly pop the cork then turn to the Champagne, only kidding, I pop the cork and pour the wine. It's only fucking flat!! We have another bottle, a stand by which has been hanging around for a while. Guess what? That's fucking flat too!!

Anyway, the strawberries were great!

Heather wasn't the only one who got presents on her birthday. Me, I got an insect bite! It bit my leg and by yesterday afternoon the whole bottom half of my leg had swollen up, the bite was the size of a 2p coin all raw and weeping something that looked like egg yolk. Lovely! The doctor gave me anti-biotics and told me to rest up today. Hooray! Sick on my day off again!

Not on my television, please!

I need to have a bit of a moan about the adverts they put on TV lately. Surely I'm not the only person who doesn't want to know all the details of feminine hygiene? Especially, when I sit down with the youngest to watch mindless violent cartoons!

We don't want to know how you stop your itching, smelling, hair growth or that your pad can hold a litre and a half of water and still let you jog twenty miles! We are not interested that it's OK to tuck your skirt into your knickers because your Tampax tampon now has its own skirt. We are even less interested that you can throw your frumpy knickers out the window because Always make a pad for your thong. I don't even know where to start with Canestan and Femfresh, though now it's hard to convince little'un that a Thrush is a songbird!

Please keep them in your magazines! I'm starting to confuse adverts now due the feminine content. Red Bull for example; is that a sanitary towel? It has wings and helps you party all night! Nicorette patch is another, is it a sanitary towel that helps you give up smoking and if so what the hell do you do with the gum?

I'm sure there are many more but my brain is frazzled! Things to do so will make like a sanitary towel and "press on"!

We're Saved!!!!

"IF YOU WANT TO SAVE THE PLANET LET ME SEE YOU JUMP UP AND DOWN!" (Madonna 07/07/2007)

Now why the hell didn't she tell us that before?

We've been; recycling (glass and plastics), composting, using expensive light bulbs, turning off appliances instead of using 'stand-by', walking instead of using the car, getting the power company to offset our usage by planting trees (we even planted 2 trees this year!) and tiptoeing to avoid carbon footprint and what for? All we had to do was bloody jump up and down! Thanks Madge!

So now you lot......................................... ON YOUR FEET!

Happy Birthday!!!

I know I might be taking a bit of a risk here because she reads my blog sometimes but what the hey. It's my missus birthday next Monday (a bit of a landmark one as well, don't know if I should say which one but it's not 21!) and I got her present today. I'm really pleased with it, a bag and belt! She'll have her hoover working like new when she gets them fitted!! And there's more, she'll be so chuffed! She was moaning that she read on someones blog that her husband hired her a cleaner, well I highered her cleaner. The duster's now on the top shelf!

Bet she's glad she's got me!!

Casual Dress!!??

Today we went to an up-market, sleepy seaside town to get little'uns glasses fixed. He likes to bend them to take them off instead of slipping them off and now they are totally shagged!

The plan was; park in the supermarket car park and I'd go to the shop and get some groceries while he went with his mum to the optician. We would then meet up at the phone box by the car park. This was his incentive to behave, good boys get to play in the phone box after their glasses are fixed!?!

I got finished first, parked my arse on the bench next to the phone box and settled down to a bit of people watching while I waited. Something was very clear about the people in the town apart from the obvious prosperity every other person seemed to have ginger hair. I've never seen anything like it, it was like I'd walked into the middle of a ginger convention!

Something else struck me about this copper-topped edge of suburbia, rich people have a real problem with clothes. Not your average run of the mill clothes, I expect they look very smart in their suit for work or evening dress for entertaining, but they can't do casual! Especially the men! It's like they think to themselves (or are told) buy some sandals or loafers, shorts, a short sleeved shirt, a hat and you'll be well away. Nobody seems to have told them that the shirt doesn't have to have buttons, a collar and be ironed within an inch of it's life! Or the shorts can be longer than hot pants, don't need a belt or a crease up the front! The hat has to look like you are comfortable wearing it not just buy it because it has a 'label' and it looked cool on the teenager who sold it to you. And lastly but possibly most importantly if you have to wear socks with sandals or loafers never, ever pull them up to just below your knees! Not one of them looked comfortable in dress down!

There was a lot of bling on show and the cars were very flashy and usually 4x4! In fact one elderly lady went past in one of those disabled buggy type thingies and that even had alloys! An old lady sat next to me and we (because we are English) talked about the weather, I glanced at her hair, ginger rinse!

It was about time we got out of here and just on cue batman emerged from the optician and entered the phone box!!? He wasn't in there long as he needed the toilet. As we drove away I noticed the ginger people peering into the car, I sped off not looking back!!

Where the hell is summer?

Bit of a cheek I know stealing a link off someone and posing it as your blog but, DILLIGAF? (Thanks Her Indoors!)

Anyway the rains pissing me off big time, this is the third time this washing has been on the line and it's fucking soaked again!! GRRR!

I'm off for a lay down in a dark room!!

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Spam!! (I think)

Right! I got this in my email inbox this morning not from anyone I know, which was nice! Somebody trying to tell me something? Well we did go swimming yesterday and I did get changed in public changing room but I never left my email address anywhere!



On a brighter note, went out for a curry last night. I have soooooo much I want to say about the restaurant but am biting my tongue!

No, sorry I can't bite my tongue! The owner was a cock, the place was full of sea men and when I tried to turn the light on in the toilet I knew there was a switch there somewhere but was buggered if I could find it! The service was crap, when I asked where the food was the waiter said if i could hold on for a bit it would be coming soon! Have to stop now as the innuendo light on my PC is up to DANGER!!