Thursday, 16 July 2009

Murder Mystery!

Oh my, not been on here for a while!

This is my account of an after school conversation with #3 son, he or the cat may dispute some of it but on the whole it is how I remember it.

Me: Cat get out from under my feet!
Cat: Meep!
Me: #3 son can you take your cat with you to watch TV as she is being a pain?
#3 son: Cat! Cat! Cat! Cat! She's not coming!
Me (wishing I hadn't said the words a soon as they came out of my mouth): If she doesn't move soon I'm going to bop her on the head with this wooden spoon.

I brandish said spoon in a provocative manner.

#3 son: Go on do it, do it!
Me quickly backing down: No, that wouldn't be a nice thing to do and it might make her cry.
#3 son: If I hit you on the head with it would you cry?
Me (foolishly): Nope I'd hit you on the head in return.
#3 son: Then I'd cut out your heart and cut it in two!

Now I knew this is where I should stop but something made me carry on.

Me: Then you'd spend an awful long time in jail!
#3 son: No I wouldn't.
Me: Well what do you think the police would say about the dead body with no heart and all the blood over the floor?
#3 son: They won't find it.
Me: How's that?
#3 son: I'd bury it.
Me: Where?
#3 son: I'd dig a big hole in the garden.
Me: And the blood?
#3 son: Mum will help me clear it up.

Now, should I be worried that he has this all worked out or should I laugh it off?

Me: Well what about your brothers?
#3 son: That's okay me and mum will pick them up.
Me: But what would you tell them about me?
#3 son: I'd tell them you were in the graveyard.
Me: Don't you think they would be upset?
#3 son: Well...erm...

I'm making some progress now...

#3 son: I could take your brain out?
Me: What?
#3 son: Instead of cutting your heart in two I could take your brain out!

Here we go again...

Me: How are you going to manage that, haven't you noticed all the bone on my head that protects it?
#3 son: I could break it with a mallet.
Me: A mallet? Do you have a mallet?
#3 son: No but I could buy one.
Me: How much money do you have?

I asked this as I knew he didn't have much money in the house about 30p in a small tin.

#3 son: One million pounds!
Me: Do you know how much a mallet costs?
#3 son: No, how much?
Me: Probably more than you have in that little tin.
#3 son: And how much is that?
Me: About a small bag of sweets worth.
#3 son: No way! At least five bags of sweets.

Ah, I think feeling smug myself as I had inadvertently steered him away from the topic of my impending murder.

#3 son: You know I could always...

I'm not listening now and start hiding anything that looks remotely sharp and/or knife shaped or anything that looks like a mallet!

19 comments:

DJ Kirkby said...

I laughed all the way through eading this, I know I shouldn't but...it's the way you tell it! I get random comments and you get random conversations!
The scariest thing is that he has these conversations with us in completly normal conversational tones of voice...lets hope this doesn't carry on for much longer or we really will need to begin worrying.

Leatherdykeuk said...

How sweet :)

Joe Stein said...

Well, you started it, Chopper. Now you've got to live with the fear...

nitebyrd said...

Out of the mouths of babes ....

He's such a darling! LOL

Chopper said...

DJ; You haven't started worrting??

L: Sweet? Are you mad?

J: Fear is my middle name!

NB: You can laugh!!

TOM FOOLERY said...

:) Love it TFx

Joe Stein said...

Hang on, mate, fear is your middle name?
That would make you ‘Chopper Fear King’.
Back in the dark days of history, say the French revolution, for example, it would have been the other way around.
And that’s surely more apt for your situation now.
Hide the shears as well!

Carol said...

LOL!! Be afraid!! Be veeerrrry afraid!!

C x

Carol said...

PS. You got to admire his problem solving skills!!

BT said...

Hmm, I think I'd sleep with a crash helmet on if I were you! Watch out for missing knives from the kitchen. Very funny account, loved it.

Chopper said...

TF; Why am I not suprised!

J; I've started hiding the plastic cutlery!

C; He could argue the hind legs off a donkey...
No I couldn't coz a donkey can't talk.
Right...
And if it could how would it's legs come off?
Dunno...
And if they did could they go back or would he...etc...etc

BT; I no longer sleep! In the words of Del Boy "sleep is for wimps!"

Stephen Shieber said...

A great conversation.

Jill/Twipply Skwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jill/Twipply Skwood said...

Oh Goodness! Well as Joe Stein pointed out, you did start it!

Jill/Twipply Skwood said...

That was my deleted comment, btw, bec. I mixed up Joe Stein's name and called him David. Or Fred. Or Brian. Or something...

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