Oh my, not been on here for a while!
This is my account of an after school conversation with #3 son, he or the cat may dispute some of it but on the whole it is how I remember it.
Me: Cat get out from under my feet!
Me: #3 son can you take your cat with you to watch TV as she is being a pain?
#3 son: Cat! Cat! Cat! Cat! She's not coming!
Me (wishing I hadn't said the words a soon as they came out of my mouth): If she doesn't move soon I'm going to bop her on the head with this wooden spoon.
I brandish said spoon in a provocative manner.
#3 son: Go on do it, do it!
Me quickly backing down: No, that wouldn't be a nice thing to do and it might make her cry.
#3 son: If I hit you on the head with it would you cry?
Me (foolishly): Nope I'd hit you on the head in return.
#3 son: Then I'd cut out your heart and cut it in two!
Now I knew this is where I should stop but something made me carry on.
Me: Then you'd spend an awful long time in jail!
#3 son: No I wouldn't.
Me: Well what do you think the police would say about the dead body with no heart and all the blood over the floor?
#3 son: They won't find it.
Me: How's that?
#3 son: I'd bury it.
#3 son: I'd dig a big hole in the garden.
Me: And the blood?
#3 son: Mum will help me clear it up.
Now, should I be worried that he has this all worked out or should I laugh it off?
Me: Well what about your brothers?
#3 son: That's okay me and mum will pick them up.
Me: But what would you tell them about me?
#3 son: I'd tell them you were in the graveyard.
Me: Don't you think they would be upset?
#3 son: Well...erm...
I'm making some progress now...
#3 son: I could take your brain out?
#3 son: Instead of cutting your heart in two I could take your brain out!
Here we go again...
Me: How are you going to manage that, haven't you noticed all the bone on my head that protects it?
#3 son: I could break it with a mallet.
Me: A mallet? Do you have a mallet?
#3 son: No but I could buy one.
Me: How much money do you have?
I asked this as I knew he didn't have much money in the house about 30p in a small tin.
#3 son: One million pounds!
Me: Do you know how much a mallet costs?
#3 son: No, how much?
Me: Probably more than you have in that little tin.
#3 son: And how much is that?
Me: About a small bag of sweets worth.
#3 son: No way! At least five bags of sweets.
Ah, I think feeling smug myself as I had inadvertently steered him away from the topic of my impending murder.
#3 son: You know I could always...
I'm not listening now and start hiding anything that looks remotely sharp and/or knife shaped or anything that looks like a mallet!