Rachel Green

Today I'm playing host to Rachel Green and her blog tour and I got to ask her a few questions which are listed below.

An Ungodly Child wasn’t the sort of book I would usually read and was determined not to like it. You have two wives are you mad?
Fair enough! I did have two wyves. Now I have a wife and a husband, sort-of. Yes. I have been certified mad, but not for that.

Sorry I got distracted a bit. Against my better judgement I actually enjoyed the book and would read the next one but... two wives!... Jasfoup? I had real problems with this name and couldn’t get my head or tongue around it would you consider calling him Bob in further instalments?
I’m very glad you liked it despite yourself. Yes…and I love them both. Jasfoup just is. His name is pronounced Jas (as in pass) foup (as in hoop). I thought of Bob but alas the name was already in use by several people who looked nothing like Jasfoup.

I tend to use my evaporated milk just the once but how do you feel about reincarnation?
Far too sweet for me, I’m afraid. I’ll stick with Elmlea and Eternity.

I did dabble in the occult for a while. I gave up all my worldly goods and was locked in a room made to perform cunnilingus for hours on end. No sorry that was the ‘o’ cult what are your views on the dark arts?
I dabbled in the occult once but it was full of old prams and bicycles. I did dredge up an old shell, though. The ‘o’ culd held my interest for many years and I’ve been published in some relevant journals about the subject. The Dark Arts I have no views about, other than Why Not Turn The Lights On Then, Do You Really Think A Demon Is Going To Think “Oh Noes! Too Bright To Cause Mayhem Without Shades, Man. Apart from that, I tend to side with Jasfoup in that the ‘dark arts’ are just Christians out for a fast buck. Seriously, though, there’s some dark shit out there.

Is it possible one of the cats in my house puts spells on me and is stopping me from winning the lottery? I can see the bitterness in her eyes!
It is entirely possible, yes. You should feed her only fresh tuna for a year. She might let you win the lottery then, on a day that the colour of the sky matches her eyes.

Do you have any tips on getting rid of slugs?
Concrete the whole garden. Failing that, beer traps and the old lob-the-buggers-over-the-fence method.

I know you enjoy painting, me too...
I’ve never painted you
...don’t you just hate it when they print the numbers so small you don’t know which colour paint to use?
That’s why I have imps

The two wives thing that’s a joke right?
One makes me tea and the other makes visitors make me tea

If you’re out on a moonlit night
Be careful of them neighborhood strays
Of a lady with long black hair
Tryin to win you with her feminine ways
Crystal ball on the table
Showing the future, the past
Same cat with them evil eyes
You’d better get out of there fast
Part of Cliff Richards Devil Woman! Now I think he might be a fallen angel, what do you think?
It rather depends if you’re a fan of his or not. I don’t think he Fell, per-se, just skinned his knees a bit.

Do you intend in finding an interesting way to hurt me?
Only if you can afford my rates, otherwise, I’ll leave the hurting tasks to my agent.

Do you think a leatherdyke is practical to withstand torrential rain?
Only if several women are prepared to stick their fingers into the holes.

And on that note we quickly call it a day!!

Meme.

I was tasked to do a meme and here it is:

My favorite word: Bedtime.

My least favorite word: Work.

What turns me on? A switch behind my left ear.

What turns me off? Same one.

What sound do I love? Quiet.

What sound do you hate? My alarm clock.

What is your favorite curse word? I never, ever curse

What profession other than yours would you like to attempt? Anything that ends in merchant or mate eg; plumbers mate or builders merchant.

What profession would you not like to do? Postman.

If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates? Have you seen St Peter anywhere?

Extra free?

I was in the chemist with #3 son filling a prescription. As we waited he played with the electric door annoying the staff enough to hurry up our order and I scanned the shelves for bargains.

Something caught my eye.

I'm not sure if it was a bargain or a way of pointing out male inadequacies. What do you think of condoms 25% extra free?

The Good Old Days?

I was reading a couple of days ago on Tom Foolery's blog about leaving a legacy and it got me wondering if I would get to leave a legacy.

There is a shop at the bottom of our road, it's been numerous things in it's past. I've known it in the short time I've been here as a takeaway, a card shop, a charity shop and now it stands empty. I'd like to buy it and turn it into one of those old curiosity shops. You know the type? The ones that have a bell attached to the door frame which jingles every time the door opens and closes behind you and as soon as you are ensconced inside smells of old! I'd sell all kinds of things; books, vases, paintings, miss-matched cutlery etc and never make a profit. The store would be called The Good Old Days.

But it isn't about the shop, because when I sold up it would probably revert to one of it's former uses, it's about the bus stop right outside the door of the shop. People using the bus and getting off at that stop would invariably have to ask the bus driver for "A return to the good old days"!

Is that even a legacy or do I have to aim higher?

Dunno!

So in the mean time I've acquired a donor card and am leaving a leg so am at the moment at least halfway there!

Bless me!

I went to the doctors today because every time I sneeze it sounds like Chardonnay. He said I was the fifth person in this week with the same complaint and it was nothing to worry about, apparently it's wine flu!

Apartheid?

It appears that apartheid is alive and kicking in Portsmouth!