On the way to pick up #3 son from school I decided to empty our box full of jars and bottles in the garden and take them for recycling. I wanted to empty the box and was rather over zealous with the amount I crammed into the large carrier bag. Never-the-less I picked up the bag, grabbed his scooter and left the house. It was about halfway across the zebra crossing that the handle on the bag started to break! Managing to get to the other side of the road without smashing anything I had to sling the scooter over my shoulder and carry the bag in two arms as if I was carrying a baby. This is when I noticed that there was a small hole in the bag. A small hole that all the excess liquid from the bottles was using as an escape hatch, the escape hatch that was now next to my sweatshirt.
To try and distract myself from impending disaster I looked in the shop windows as I hurried past and was amazed to see some of their great offers.
In the greengrocers they were now selling 'eating' plums. Now I much prefer 'eating' plums to the ones you bring home, leave in the fruit bowl for show then throw out before they get rotten.
In the clothes store they were selling 'ladies' tights. Now is it just me or is there any other kind? Surely men who wear tights wear 'ladies' tights don't they?
In the hairdressers they had a 'walk in service, no appointment always required'. Now call me old fashioned but when I have a haircut (I did today as it happens) I always walk inside for a haircut. I don't really see much of an alternative unless I got someone to scalp me and sent the top of my skull in by special delivery.
My brain was wandering now but not to far to notice my chest was getting cold and wet and when I finally got to the bottle bank I had a lovely stain up my front. A lovely stain that smelt like the old boy sat on the steps outside the library begging for 'a couple of quid mister'.
I decide when I get to school that I'm going to stand as far away from everyone as possible so no-one can smell me.
The gate into the school hadn't been unlocked and I found myself in the middle of a load of mums sniffing and pointing. There was really no point in protesting my innocence as I have now been tarred with some old alcoholics brush so tomorrow before the school run I'm having a pint of ale with a whisky chaser!