Sunday, 14 August 2011

I'm not scared of flying part 2

So the plane reaches it's cruising height far too far from the ground and levels out. To my mind this would be an ideal opportunity to dim the lights, pipe through some whale noises and encourage the passengers to go to sleep.

But no.

Instead they decide to bring round the drinks trolley. The rowdy people who have been in the bar for the last 2 hours can now top up their alcohol level and be more rowdy and the hyperactive kids who are already over excited can drink fizzy pop then run around the plane with a sick bag on their head pretending to be a superhero. Just as the cabin crew seem to be losing control the captain decides to regain it and suddenly drops the plane by a couple of hundred feet. The fasten seatbelt sign comes on and people are ushered back in their seats and strapped in. He drops it a couple more times for effect pretending it's turbulence, I dont have to fasten my seatbelt as it's never been unfastened though i do tighten it a bit more. Everyone is strapped in now apart from one idiot who can't wait for the toilet and is arguing with the steward.

Now would be a good time for the dimming of the lights and music of the whales.

But no.

They bring round food.

I don't have any problem with airplane food, I actualy quite like it but is there any real need for it on a short haul flight? Especially as one of the options is going to be curry and the plane already stinks of feet and farts. Having said that I like eating the food there are a few things that I would like to point out at this stage. The portions are perfect, that is if you come from Lilliput and aren't Gulliver. The meal is always heated to the temperature of molten lava. You get two sachets of pepper and no salt. And then there is the roll. The rolls you get on the plane are unique to airlines. It's always a small but perfectly formed roll with a crust that is impossible to break with your hands so you have to use the plastic knife. After sawing with the knife for the best part of an hour you penetrate the crust to reveal the soft centre onto which you try to spread the butter. The butter is as hard as the centre of the roll is soft and no matter how long you keep it under your armpit it doesn't get any softer. Eventually you get fed up with it, shove it in the roll then chuck it at the idiot in front who has finished his food and drops his chair back in your lap closely followed by everything left on your tray.

So now when they have cleared away the debris of the meal they dim the lights with a distinct lack of whale music and expect everyone to go to sleep. What everyone wants to do now is use the toilet, two of which are already blocked up and there are queues snaking around the plane.

I try and avoid the toilet as long as possible, being crammed into the plane is bad enough but being crammed into a tiny box on the plane that is very noisy and stinks is even worse. If anyone reading this has had sex in a airplane toilet can you please let me know in the comment box how and why? I should imagine that you would be quite easy to spot as half your body must get covered in blue stain as you'd never be able go avoid dipping into the toilet water. My big mistake is not using the toilet when I first get on the plane as I presume then it's clean and smells reasonable but due to a small bladder and a touch of IBS this never quite works out. By the time I come to use it the toilet resembles a festival portaloo on the final day which has been turned upside down and shaken vigorously. I usually get in there just after someone with an upset stomach who has obviously read the signs wrong and has filled the toilet up with paper and has tried to shit in the bin and as soon as I shut the door the pilot drops down a couple of hundred feet and the fasten seatbelt sing comes on.

To be cont...

10 comments:

Rebecca Emin said...

Well I thought part 1 was funny, but I have laughed out loud all the way through this. You really are hilarious. Keep up these posts, they are fantastic!

Chopper said...

Thank you Rebecca, that was very nice of you to say so.

dandeliongirl01 said...

under your armpit?! Really funny and well written. I look forward to the next part.

Chopper said...

Dandeliongirl where do you put your butter to warm it up? I'm not looking forward to the next part as it's where I have to plummet down to earth.

Anonymous said...

love it, and all so true!!!!
can't wait for part 3.
and yep i've always wondered how the mile high club manage sex in the box!!
katy aka her indoors

Chopper said...

Katy no one has confessed to sex on a plane yet though I'm sure someone out there must be itching to tell or maybe just itching.

Troy said...

It is most frustrating having to wait until Part 3 to find out whether you survive this journey. The suspense is killing me (unlike in planes where it is the suspense that keeps you alive).

Chopper said...

Troy we are flying tomorrow so there is a chance that you may never get to read part 3.

BucksWriter said...

On long-haul flights people tend to go to the loo without shoes on. Bluuurkkkk, just imagine what ends up on their feet...

Chopper said...

Bucks Writer mmmm, what a lovely image!