My Shorts!

Tomorrow I'm getting married! I've spent most of this week washing and ironing (I know I'm going to screw everything up into a suitcase) everything I'm going need while we are away. Today I was checking through to double check everything for the hundredth time and I noticed my shorts were missing. I have a favourite pair, they are blue, comfortable and have lots of pockets that fasten shut so I don't lose all my stuff the moment I sit down.

Where the hell were they?

I looked everywhere at least twice and they were nowhere to be found. I knew I'd washed them because I'd put them in with my jeans (I'd learnt my lesson about mixing colours and whites and turning all her underwear grey!).

I stood for a while looking out of #3 sons bedroom window contemplating the situation, how was I going to get married without my blue shorts? Then I noticed in the neighbours garden a pair of blue shorts that looked just like mine. I raced downstairs and peered over the fence, they were mine, hallelujah! They must have blown off the washing line and into his garden.

I went next door and he wasn't in, bollocks!

I could wait for him to come back but sometimes he isn't around for days. The other option was to climb over the fence and get them myself. The problem with this plan is most of the fence is six foot high and not the most solid thing in the world. Part of it though is four foot tall on top of a two foot wall, this is where I would scale it!

I stood on the wall and tried to throw my leg over, not a chance! Unperturbed I went to the shed for a step ladder, climbed that then swung my leg over. Success! It was a bit of a stretch but I was over and quickly retrieved my shorts, now to get back. I reached over and lifted the ladder into his garden then scaled it swung my leg over the fence and knocked over the ladder. I wasn't worried about that as I'd be able to snag it with something and get it back. What I was worried about though was my leg that was over the fence couldn't quite reach the wall and my trailing leg couldn't squeeze past the fence post which on the return journey was quite a bit proud of the fence.

Fuck I was stuck!!

No time to panic because the fence panel was creaking like a bastard and wasn't long for this life and if it broke neither was I. I flung the shorts into the garden then tried to grab my foot and pull it free from the post and at the same time lower myself down. It wouldn't go! So I gave one huge pull and found myself in a pile on the patio and apart from a cut on my knee no irreparable damage.

I picked up my shorts, gave them a quick hug and chucked them in the washing machine. The only thing is it's pouring with rain now and I'm never going to get them dry by tomorrow!

Murder Mystery!

Oh my, not been on here for a while!

This is my account of an after school conversation with #3 son, he or the cat may dispute some of it but on the whole it is how I remember it.

Me: Cat get out from under my feet!
Cat: Meep!
Me: #3 son can you take your cat with you to watch TV as she is being a pain?
#3 son: Cat! Cat! Cat! Cat! She's not coming!
Me (wishing I hadn't said the words a soon as they came out of my mouth): If she doesn't move soon I'm going to bop her on the head with this wooden spoon.

I brandish said spoon in a provocative manner.

#3 son: Go on do it, do it!
Me quickly backing down: No, that wouldn't be a nice thing to do and it might make her cry.
#3 son: If I hit you on the head with it would you cry?
Me (foolishly): Nope I'd hit you on the head in return.
#3 son: Then I'd cut out your heart and cut it in two!

Now I knew this is where I should stop but something made me carry on.

Me: Then you'd spend an awful long time in jail!
#3 son: No I wouldn't.
Me: Well what do you think the police would say about the dead body with no heart and all the blood over the floor?
#3 son: They won't find it.
Me: How's that?
#3 son: I'd bury it.
Me: Where?
#3 son: I'd dig a big hole in the garden.
Me: And the blood?
#3 son: Mum will help me clear it up.

Now, should I be worried that he has this all worked out or should I laugh it off?

Me: Well what about your brothers?
#3 son: That's okay me and mum will pick them up.
Me: But what would you tell them about me?
#3 son: I'd tell them you were in the graveyard.
Me: Don't you think they would be upset?
#3 son: Well...erm...

I'm making some progress now...

#3 son: I could take your brain out?
Me: What?
#3 son: Instead of cutting your heart in two I could take your brain out!

Here we go again...

Me: How are you going to manage that, haven't you noticed all the bone on my head that protects it?
#3 son: I could break it with a mallet.
Me: A mallet? Do you have a mallet?
#3 son: No but I could buy one.
Me: How much money do you have?

I asked this as I knew he didn't have much money in the house about 30p in a small tin.

#3 son: One million pounds!
Me: Do you know how much a mallet costs?
#3 son: No, how much?
Me: Probably more than you have in that little tin.
#3 son: And how much is that?
Me: About a small bag of sweets worth.
#3 son: No way! At least five bags of sweets.

Ah, I think feeling smug myself as I had inadvertently steered him away from the topic of my impending murder.

#3 son: You know I could always...

I'm not listening now and start hiding anything that looks remotely sharp and/or knife shaped or anything that looks like a mallet!