Yesterday I went to hospital to have the CT scan, my appointment was 10:15 and we got there about quarter of an hour early. The appointment hadn't been cancelled and it was a good thing we got there early. We sat in the waiting room with people who looked old and ill, very ill in some cases but they all had something in common, next to them was a small plastic cup and a litre container with a screw-top lid. We sat and waited for a while until a nurse, with her sense of humour surgically removed, brought my cup and container.
"Drink this!" she said
"No problem!" says I.
"What do I do for the next hour and ten minutes?" I add with a grin.
"Drink it too fast and you'll bring it straight back up!" she says with a frown.
I'm sure I heard her say 'tosser' under her breath as she walked off but I let it pass as she had obviously been bashed with an ugly stick and was taking it out on everybody else. I picked up my container, it was cold. It was also white and thick, sort of a cross between sperm and wallpaper paste. The neck it down in one was starting to look a little doubtful. I looked at the other people waiting, the were all at various stages of finishing their white goo and every mouthful looked like a struggle. I undid the lid and sniffed it; not bad, it had an orangey smell to it and I poured it into my cup. I took a large swig and it didn't taste too bad kind of like the powdered orange squash you get from vending machines only thicker. The next few mouthfuls weren't too bad but then I started too struggle, the stuff was actually fucking awful. It probably was made with spunk and wallpaper paste and every time I looked at it all I could think of apart from throwing up into the plant pot next to me was in 'Something about Mary' where Cameron Diaz fixes her hair with an alternative hair gel!
I'd drunk about 10ml in quarter of an hour, thank god we were early! I had to set myself targets so I could finish the lot before I was due to go in because I didn't want to have to go through this again. Unfortunately the clock seemed to be broken and was going far too quickly for my liking and I was lagging behind. Nurse Happy gave me a pitiful scowl every time she walked past, this spurred me on and when I was called I only had what was left in the cup to finish. The old bag made me drink that as well, it would almost have been worth throwing it up all over her just to see the look on her face! I didn't.
The scan was okay, they injected me with dye halfway through or did she say I hope the bastard dies? Whatever, it was over in minutes and now I just have to wait until early August for the results. The white goo is supposed to work its way out of my body but at the moment it seems stuck! We went to a BBQ yesterday afternoon and I drank a couple of glasses of wine and ate a bit I've also eaten today. My stomach now looks like a cross barrel and a bass drum, sort of sounds the same when I hit it with a drum stick! I hope to god that I'm somewhere near a toilet when the goo finally makes its final descent!
On that happy note I'll leave you to finish your dinner.