Smoking Ban.

Today is the first anniversary of the smoking ban in England and according to government figures the amount of cigarette butts discarded in the street has doubled over the last year. I was wondering how they got these figures, why and what good they did and it got me thinking...

Somewhere in a bunker under the sea north of the Scilly Isles;

"Come in Mr Bond."

"Pillbeam!"

"What?"

"My name is Pillbeam, Arthur Pillbeam not Bond!"

"Can I call you Bond just for today?"

"No."

"Please! It adds a little something."

"No!"

"How about James then?"

"No!"

"Jim?"

"No!"

"Jimmy!"

"No!"

"Well then Art..."

"Arthur!"

"Arthur. You did the cigarette butt count for us last year?"

"That's right."

"There was a bit of controversy over the figures last year I seem to remember. How many was it?"

"One."

"You counted all the discarded cigarette butts in England and there was only one?"

"Yes."

"You did actually do the count?"

"Yes."

"Then you had 364 days off and came back to do another count?"

"365!"

"Sorry?"

"It was a leap year!"

"Right. So you did another count for us yesterday?"

"Yes."

"You did actually do the count?"

"Yes."

"You didn't stay at home, watch Wimbledon and guess?"

"No."

"Not sit and watch the young Scott grit his teeth, pump his arm and grunt for hours?"

"You sure that was Wimbledon?"

"Answer the question!"

"No, I did the count!"

"Okay, how many this time?"

"Two."

"Fuck! Are you sure?"

"Yes very sure."

"This is awful! 100% more than last year! Twice as many! The media will have a field day!"

"So what does it mean exactly?"

"Fuck knows but we'll get to keep our jobs for another year! Go home, have another 365 days off."

"364, it's not a leap year!"

"Right! Practice your counting and on your way out leak it to the press!"