Tuesday, 1 July 2008

Smoking Ban.

Today is the first anniversary of the smoking ban in England and according to government figures the amount of cigarette butts discarded in the street has doubled over the last year. I was wondering how they got these figures, why and what good they did and it got me thinking...

Somewhere in a bunker under the sea north of the Scilly Isles;


"Come in Mr Bond."

"Pillbeam!"

"What?"

"My name is Pillbeam, Arthur Pillbeam not Bond!"

"Can I call you Bond just for today?"

"No."

"Please! It adds a little something."

"No!"

"How about James then?"

"No!"

"Jim?"

"No!"

"Jimmy!"

"No!"

"Well then Art..."

"Arthur!"

"Arthur. You did the cigarette butt count for us last year?"

"That's right."

"There was a bit of controversy over the figures last year I seem to remember. How many was it?"

"One."

"You counted all the discarded cigarette butts in England and there was only one?"

"Yes."

"You did actually do the count?"

"Yes."

"Then you had 364 days off and came back to do another count?"

"365!"

"Sorry?"

"It was a leap year!"

"Right. So you did another count for us yesterday?"

"Yes."

"You did actually do the count?"

"Yes."

"You didn't stay at home, watch Wimbledon and guess?"

"No."

"Not sit and watch the young Scott grit his teeth, pump his arm and grunt for hours?"

"You sure that was Wimbledon?"

"Answer the question!"

"No, I did the count!"

"Okay, how many this time?"

"Two."

"Fuck! Are you sure?"

"Yes very sure."

"This is awful! 100% more than last year! Twice as many! The media will have a field day!"

"So what does it mean exactly?"

"Fuck knows but we'll get to keep our jobs for another year! Go home, have another 365 days off."

"364, it's not a leap year!"

"Right! Practice your counting and on your way out leak it to the press!"


7 comments:

Spiky Zora Jones said...

I'm glad you are blogging again. I also hope you are feeling better.

Thumbs up on the book writing and I so agree...Don't be a tosser. I imagine that's the same as 'Don't be a litter bug' is here in the states.

ciao.

Kahless said...

Love the story,
love the pic!

And please email me your book (DJ has my addy) and I will read it. Mrs K is away this weekend and I have loadsof time on my hands!

little wanderer said...

this is the 2nd post on smoking you trying to tell me something, yeah i know i should stop, one day, one day!

Chopski said...

SZJ; Hi, over here 'Tosser' means a few things in this case it could mean don't be a thrower or don't be a wanker. In the words of Big Brother "You decide"!

K; Thanks for that!

LW; As my Grandfather used to say "It's not the cough that carries you off it's the coffin they carry you off in!"

DJ Kirkby said...

I am confused...don't bother trying to explain, it is rather comfy here in the land of fluff.

Monique said...

Very, very funny.

Chopski said...

M; Hi, Thanks! I love writing this sort of stuff, unfortunately my brain is full of it!!