Bathtub

A Pissoem as requested by DJ Kirkby.

Bathtub by Chopski.

Sitting here in my bath full of hot water and soft bubbles

I can soak for hours and wash away all my troubles.

I share it with a rubber duck, my radio and soft light

it's really quite relaxing on a cold October night.

I've read my book and paper and a ladies magazine
I've had a wash and a shave and brushed my teeth so clean.

The cat's in on the action and sitting on my lap

I'd really like to get out now but my toes stuck up the tap!

Pissoems

Kahless wrote a Pissoem which she tells me means piss poor poem, I actually thought it was very good. Me I reckon I'm an expert at piss poor poems and to prove the fact I wrote a Pissoem about my day.

The Library by Chopski.

Today I went to the library to borrow a new book
I only had ten minutes so had a very quick look.

The choice was very limited and nothing that I'd fancy
no Stephen King no John Grisham not even Thomas Clancy.

They had on show a lot of Cd's, DVDs and audio cassettes,
kids books, atlases and loads of books on pets.

I asked the aging assistant for erotica or pornography
she gave me two by Mills and Boon and I went home for my tea.

I am available for weddings, parties and bar mitzvahs. I'm so confident of my ability in Pissoem writing that if you leave a topic in the comments box I'll write a Pissoem about it. Might not be today or tomorrow but sometime!!

A Diet?!

It looks like we are going on a diet!

So here are some diet facts;

A diet is a weigh of life.

It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.

It's something most of us do religiously: We eat what we want and pray we don't gain weight.

The problem with curbing our appetites is that most of us do it at the drive in window of McDonalds.

The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.

The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak.

Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.

Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.

The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat.

Diets are for women who not only kept their girlish figure but doubled it.

A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.

Many women reduce and reduce, yet still never manage to become a bargain.

The best way to lose weight is by skipping ... snacks and desert.

Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two...alone.

People go to Weight Watchers to learn their lessens.

A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts its calories instead of its blessings.

A diet is what you go on when not only can't you fit into the store's dresses, you can't fit into the dressing room.

One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike: If you're thin, don't eat fast. If you're fat, don't eat - FAST.

I CAN'T be held responsible for any of these facts as I stole them from a web page!!

Taking the Piss?!

Not had a post on here for a while about toilets and toileting issues so I think I better rectumfy that!

My mate at work (The Big Fella) has a three year old son who goes to the big toilet on his own. After having a wee he likes to wipe the end of his willy with a bit of toilet roll (his son that is though maybe he does too). Well actually he unfurls about a third of a roll, dabs the end of said appendage and fills the bowl up with tissue. TBF says to him "Son you only need to use a little bit not half the roll when you wipe your willy!" and his son agrees.

The next time the little boy heads for the toilet TBF sneaks up after him to check if he is doing as he is told. He hides behind the door and watches as his son takes a whizz and then starts to unfurl the toilet roll. He takes hold of the end of the roll wipes his willy then rolls it back up!

Now this is my advice to you; If you are in a strangers house and need to use the toilet and if you are using toilet roll discard the first few sheets as you never know where they have been!

Pardon?

My Wordless Wednesday!

Half-Term

It's half-term and #3 son has made it through his first few weeks at school with very little incident. We are amazed and grateful at the same time and in equal amounts as we thought the change was going to be a nightmare. There have been a couple of small blips but nothing worth a mention here.

I think the person who gets most stressed out about going to school is me!

When we pick up the kids at home time we have to stand in a certain spot and when Teacher spots us she sends the appropriate kid out which is fine but, it's before that is the problem. A few minutes before the kids are due to be let out the door opens, Teacher sticks her head out and scans the parents. Her eyes darting back and forth until she spots the parent she's looking for then she steps out of the class, shuts the door behind her then strides purposefully towards her prey. I've now got all my fingers crossed chanting to myself please don't be me, please don't be me!

All eyes are now on Teacher as she strides across the playground and a huge sigh of relief goes out when she stops at a parent that isn't you. Then quiet as everyone stares at this poor parent and tries to listen to what went on during the day.

One day that parent was me!

Everyone looked, sighed and went silent as Teacher informed me that another child had bitten #3 son. What a bad parent am I?! I never asked if he was OK I was just so pleased he was bitten not the biter!

End of half-term report: #3 son doing fine but Dad must try harder!

'Stinking' Cold!!

Feeling sorry for myself! I've got a stinking cold and my throat hurts and if I'm not coughing up junk it's pouring from my nose. It must be flu jab time as I always get a cold when I'm supposed to queue up with all the ill people to be injected with the virus I'm trying to avoid!?

But! No matter how blocked my nose is I can still smell the awful stench that is permeating its way around our house. We've just managed to get rid of the stink of fish which we blamed on the neighbours but happened to be a light fitting at the top of the stairs! The previous owners of the house had used the wrong size fitting plastic part at the end of the light flex and subsequently when the light went on the bulb heated up the plastic and the smell of fish wafted around the house.

Now we have the stench of rotting cabbage not dis-similar to the smell when black cat brought a mouse into the house and it died behind the fridge. I can't find where the fuck its coming from! Arrggh! The phone guy is coming round sometime this morning between 8 and 12 so I'm stuck indoors. He's going to think I'm crazy sat in the rotting stench house with all the windows open wearing my coat and hat.

Where did I put the Valium?