Part of my job entails driving a Transit van conveying; colleagues and their bikes, mail bags and parcels. This morning while driving with The Big Guy we had to pass a line of parked cars causing the vehicles travelling towards us to stop. As we approached the waiting cars I smiled and waved my thanks to the woman sitting in the front of the queue as is the protocol. She glared back at us and as we passed she mouthed "WANKER!" at me! The Big Guy burst out laughing and I gently fumed to myself.
My mood was lightened shortly after when we saw Pissed Phil (a 'friend' of ours) cycling on the road ahead. We used to drive past him in the mornings and spray the window washers and get him wet. Since I got my new van the jets weren't as good so The Big Guy had taken to squirting him out of the window with his water bottle. We then progressed to a sort of water torture where we would drive up slowly behind him so he knew we were there then, either soak him or not as the mood would take us. The anticipation would fuck him up every time! Today we drove straight past him so he wouldn't know it was us and The Big Guy soaked him as we went past. Puerile but funny as fuck!
We were nearly at our destination when I had to stop at a T junction. On the road in front of me there were road works and the traffic was controlled by lights. Unfortunately the road we were on was partway through the roadworks and I couldn't see the lights. I waited until a break in the traffic and took a chance! When I got to the end of the roadworks a car was waiting for me so they could go, as their light had already gone green. I smiled and waved then the woman driving the car went fucking mental shouting and swearing at me. I thought her head was going to explode, her mood wasn't helped by The Big Guy pissing his pants with laughter!
I couldn't say anything to her in reply as I was in uniform in my works van and would have probably lost my job, but if you happen to read this blog, and you know who you are! I just want to say; "Get a fucking life you useless fat bitch! How the fuck was I supposed to know what colour the lights were? Did you want me to get out of the van, look, then run back to it when they changed hoping they would stay green? Fuckwitt! Did your life change because you had to wait at the lights for a couple of seconds more? No! I hate You!
Great, feel much better now!
Thursday, 31 May 2007
Wednesday, 30 May 2007
Back to work
So I go back to work after an extended Bank holiday and am late as usual, just five minutes, but still try to sneak in undetected. I pick up my mug and head for the canteen because they wont get any work out of me before I brew up! My manager sees me trying to blend into the background and I try not catch his eye.
"Chopski" he bellows, I look up and feign surprise.
"Boss" I reply sheepishly.
"My office!"
Fuck thinks I, what have I done this time? Trying to wrack my brain for some misdemeanour I may have committed and can't think of one!
A smart arse quips as I slink by "Can I have your locker?" anticipating my fate. I flick him playfully in the groinal area with my tea-spoon and leave him doubled up in agony as I enter the office.
"The mentoring post." he says without looking at me parking himself behind his desk.
Thank fuck I think to myself as I'm not in trouble. The mentoring post is something I showed interest in about a month ago and involves training new starters and pays an extra £30 a week. As we don't have that many new starters I guessed it would be money for old rope, (thinking about it I have loads of old rope in the shed that no-ones given me any money for), I digress.
"Four other people have applied." he says still not looking at me, reeling off their names and turning on his PC.
In the old days the most senior person to apply would have got the job but now, oh no! Now they were 'thinking out of the box' being 'radical' and 'forward thinking' (I've no idea what any of this means but it was all written in six inch red pen on a white board above his head. It also said 'I love cock' and 'yes please for cheese!' but that was in different handwriting and probably not applicable at this time.) Now the policy was to give jobs to the people most qualified to do them, man, that was 'left of centre'?!!?
I tried to feign interest
"When's the interview" I ask.
"No interview!" he replies "You fill in a multiple choice question thingy and a computer decides the best person for the job!"
"Psychometric testing?" says I trying to look like I know what I'm talking about but actually reading upside down from a post it on his desk.
"Might be." he says and now looking at me like I'm really switched on.
"Oh yes!" I say on a roll! "We've had psychometric testing since we moved away from psycho-imeprial testing in the early seventies!"
He looks impressed then shoos me out the office.
I take my mug upstairs and make a cup of tea and start thinking. Of those four other people who applied for the post, two guys are OK and I wouldn't mind if they got the job over me but, the other two are cunts and if they got the job I'd never live it down. One was on day release from Marwell while the monkey cage was being cleaned and he never returned. The other tried to convince us he was from a long line of bakers, but we were sure he meant he was inbred!
Shit! I'm going to have to give this a lot of thought.
No time for more now coz its Big Brother!!
"Chopski" he bellows, I look up and feign surprise.
"Boss" I reply sheepishly.
"My office!"
Fuck thinks I, what have I done this time? Trying to wrack my brain for some misdemeanour I may have committed and can't think of one!
A smart arse quips as I slink by "Can I have your locker?" anticipating my fate. I flick him playfully in the groinal area with my tea-spoon and leave him doubled up in agony as I enter the office.
"The mentoring post." he says without looking at me parking himself behind his desk.
Thank fuck I think to myself as I'm not in trouble. The mentoring post is something I showed interest in about a month ago and involves training new starters and pays an extra £30 a week. As we don't have that many new starters I guessed it would be money for old rope, (thinking about it I have loads of old rope in the shed that no-ones given me any money for), I digress.
"Four other people have applied." he says still not looking at me, reeling off their names and turning on his PC.
In the old days the most senior person to apply would have got the job but now, oh no! Now they were 'thinking out of the box' being 'radical' and 'forward thinking' (I've no idea what any of this means but it was all written in six inch red pen on a white board above his head. It also said 'I love cock' and 'yes please for cheese!' but that was in different handwriting and probably not applicable at this time.) Now the policy was to give jobs to the people most qualified to do them, man, that was 'left of centre'?!!?
I tried to feign interest
"When's the interview" I ask.
"No interview!" he replies "You fill in a multiple choice question thingy and a computer decides the best person for the job!"
"Psychometric testing?" says I trying to look like I know what I'm talking about but actually reading upside down from a post it on his desk.
"Might be." he says and now looking at me like I'm really switched on.
"Oh yes!" I say on a roll! "We've had psychometric testing since we moved away from psycho-imeprial testing in the early seventies!"
He looks impressed then shoos me out the office.
I take my mug upstairs and make a cup of tea and start thinking. Of those four other people who applied for the post, two guys are OK and I wouldn't mind if they got the job over me but, the other two are cunts and if they got the job I'd never live it down. One was on day release from Marwell while the monkey cage was being cleaned and he never returned. The other tried to convince us he was from a long line of bakers, but we were sure he meant he was inbred!
Shit! I'm going to have to give this a lot of thought.
No time for more now coz its Big Brother!!
Tongue Twisters
Found this joke today and unashamedly stole it! Sorry! But it got me thinking 'but there for the grace of god go I'. I'm sure it's a small miracle that I don't spend the whole of my life walking around with a black eye!!
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours." The other guy says, "Well, it was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blond with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh,' and she socked me a good one."The first guy replies, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister, too! I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said,'You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch".
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours." The other guy says, "Well, it was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blond with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh,' and she socked me a good one."The first guy replies, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister, too! I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said,'You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch".
Monday, 28 May 2007
Food labels
Not happy! We had chilli for dinner and I like mine hot so have a liberal sprinkling of Tabasco sauce on the meat. Now I've noticed lately that the number of food products with disclaimers on them seem to be increasing at an alarming rate. We even have a bag of peanuts in the cupboard which, highlighted on the back of the pack says 'THIS PRODUCT MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF NUTS!' So why the hell is there no disclaimer on the Tabasco bottle? Not enough space? Make space! They need a disclaimer, something like; 'DO NOT RUB IN YOUR EYES OR THIS PRODUCT WILL BURN LIKE A BASTARD MAKING YOU WANT TO PLUCK OUT YOU EYES AND SCRUB THEM IN A CHEESE GRATER!' They haven't so I did. Man that fucking hurt! My eyes are still on fire while I write this blog. Just off for a piss........ ARRRRGH!!!!
Sunday, 27 May 2007
Number 2
I had a bit of an upset stomach this morning, we are guessing it was the pasty I ate yesterday when I was out, but we aren't sure. So, anyway, after a morning sat on the toilet and feeling much better I decide to venture out. I need to buy a new shirt and tie for a function I'm going to in a couple of weeks time. It's pouring with rain and quite chilly but the fresh air does me good or so the saying goes and I drive into town. The traffic's manic, well it is Sunday?!!? I head for a well known department store and find myself looking a suits, I could do with a new one and, when you buy a suit you get a free shirt and tie the sign proclaims. Well I'm not too good at buying clothes and a large expense like a suit really I need Heather for a bit (no, a lot) of advice. She is busy with the little 'un at a birthday party so I decide to go solo! I choose the colour, size of jacket and waist and length of the trousers then march to the changing room. The attendant gives me a huge blue rubber circle with a number 2 on it and shows me to a cubicle. I look at the huge blue circle, number 2! Shit, my stomach feels like it's just fallen three floors, not number 2, not now! I don't get as far as the cubicle, I fling the suit at the attendant who looks at me like I'm crazy, and by now I am, and I run for the exit! Well that's a bit of an exaggeration I'm trying not to draw attention to myself or soil my pants so I clench my butt cheeks, clamp my knees together and run as if I'm one half of a three legged race! I'm certain the whole world and his dog are staring at me as I shuffle through the mall to the toilets. Luckily I make it on time and now I'm home drinking mint tea with a direct route from the computer to the bathroom. I don't think I'll be venturing out again today maybe I'll get my suit tomorrow?!
Saturday, 26 May 2007
Tagged again!!
Ok, tagged again! That's cool as I wasn't sure what I was going to write about today, have loads of junk floating around up there but nothing coming to the fore. Thank god I hear you say!! Here is my reply to the questions;
1. Do you outline? I try to now as it keeps me focused!
2. Do you write straight through a book, or do you sometimes tackle the scenes out of order? I try to keep in order as I am easily confused. Sometimes though if I think there is something that will fit into the story further on down the line I will write it down for later.
3. Do you prefer writing with a pen or using a computer? Computer, no contest! You seen my handwriting?
4. Do you prefer writing in first person or third? I don't mind.
5. Do you listen to music while you write? Never, has to be silence!
6. How do you come up with the perfect names for your characters? I use people who I don't like (or a take on their name) for the nasty character. The good guys get a cool name! Lol!
7. When you're writing, do you ever imagine your book as a television show or movie? Always, sorry!
8. Have you ever had a character insist on doing something you really didn't want him/her to do? No, the voices in my head aren't that strong!
1. Do you outline? I try to now as it keeps me focused!
2. Do you write straight through a book, or do you sometimes tackle the scenes out of order? I try to keep in order as I am easily confused. Sometimes though if I think there is something that will fit into the story further on down the line I will write it down for later.
3. Do you prefer writing with a pen or using a computer? Computer, no contest! You seen my handwriting?
4. Do you prefer writing in first person or third? I don't mind.
5. Do you listen to music while you write? Never, has to be silence!
6. How do you come up with the perfect names for your characters? I use people who I don't like (or a take on their name) for the nasty character. The good guys get a cool name! Lol!
7. When you're writing, do you ever imagine your book as a television show or movie? Always, sorry!
8. Have you ever had a character insist on doing something you really didn't want him/her to do? No, the voices in my head aren't that strong!
9. Do you know how a book is going to end when you start it? Yes but sometimes I have to choose from multiple endings!
10. Where do you write? Mainly in the dining room but have a little pad for notes and outlines that moves around with me.
11. What do you do when you get writer's block? Not a problem as of yet. More of a problem is I have to be in the mood for writing and sometimes for weeks on end I have barren periods!
12. What size increments do you write in (either in terms of word count, or as a percentage of the book as a whole)? No set amounts just chunks of what's there until I get bored!
13. How many different drafts did you write for your last project? One, that's why I like short stories. Write it, read it, finish it, next project!
14. Have you ever changed a character's name midway through a draft? Yes often, especially if someone pisses me off they become my new baddie!
15. Do you let anyone read your book while you're working on it, or do you wait until you've completed a draft before letting someone else see it? Yes I do but perhaps I should wait as it would be better for them if they only had to read it once not a hundred and one times!
16. What do you do to celebrate when you finish a draft? Start the next one!
17. One project at a time, or multiple projects at once? Far too many at once!
18. Do your books grow or shrink in revision? That really depends on what I've written, probably grow!
19. Do you have any writing or critique partners? Yes, they are lovely but I take criticism badly!
20. Do you prefer drafting or revising? Neither to be blunt!
PS. The fella with the flag? He's tagging me!
Blogging, out of the closet!!
Blogging is still quite new and alien to me, sneaking a peak into someones private life then vanishing to pry on my next victim. I sort of felt uncomfortable leaving a comment which was a bit bizarre as everyone (well most) has a comments link! I can only describe it like being sat alone in a bar next to a group of friends having a conversation, you have something interesting (well you think it's interesting) to add but wont chip in with your thoughts because of your perceived reaction. Well yesterday I looked a lot of blogs and, on a few I left my mark. I enjoyed myself!
Today when I looked at my blog 3 people had left comments and I was thrilled! I would like to thank DJ Kirkby, Lainey-Paney and lady macleod for commenting on my blog, it made my day! Perhaps now I can loosen up a bit, nudge the guy at the end of the bar and chip in with me five pennies worth!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)