7 things about me.

DJ was kind enough to tag me to do a meme (I still don't know what the fuck a meme is!) and share seven random and/or weird facts about myself. I've decided to be brutally honest here so please don't judge me too harshly!

1. I suffer from Ladifabriphobia, a rare and often debilitating illness which makes me afraid of women who are wearing any clothing. I have undergone years of treatment for my phobia and after most of my life being housebound I travelled to Honolulu and met Dr Zemunztayne an expert in his field. He taught me how to visualise women completely naked and therefore free of all clothes . Since that day I've rebuilt my life and look forward to every new day!


2. I begin each day by drinking a glass of my own urine. This is not for health reasons, I know some people do use this as an excuse but I could find no medical rationale to back this up. Also it's not for the taste as it tastes disgusting especially after a night on the beer and kebabs. The main reason is I get very thirsty and it's a hell of a lot cheaper than a coffee from Starbucks!


3. I collect toenail clippings from celebrities. I started my collection in 1972 when I watched Olympic gymnast Olga Corbett break a nail in competition and picked it up as a souvenir. Since then my collection has grown immensely and have them displayed on hand made cabinets all over the house. I get them by writing to celebrities, their families and friends. Also I have bunged a couple of quid to hotel chambermaids and funeral directors to get some really special ones. My favourite is one from the Queen Mother that didn't look like it had been cut for a while and smelt a bit of Gin!


4. In 1994 while living in Alaska I was arrested 36 times for Bear Baiting. When in court I was told baiting was not against the law but doing it naked was and the next time I was caught I'd go to jail. I served 6 months!


5. I'm allergic to alcohol. I find if I drink large amounts I feel dizzy, slur my words and often fall over. The next morning I often have a headache and throw up in a bucket by my bed.


6. In 1985 I dressed up as Ian Botham and walked from Lands End to John O'Groats for charity. He was going to do it but had other things to do so I stood in for him at the last minute!


7. I am a compulsive liar! Now if I'm telling you I'm a compulsive liar that might be a lie in which case I'm not? You decide!

What the Spank?

My editor wrote to me last week! That sounded impressive didn't it? Made me sound like some hot-shot writer! Anyway, she wrote to me because I once wrote a tongue in cheek view of a spanking experience and she wanted another one. Well, as I have (and never want) any experience as a spanker or a spankee finding more than one spanking story in me is a bit of a challenge. I like to think I write slapstick not slap arse and was a bit stumped! I came up with an idea of writing a story of spanking without mentioning spanking in the whole tale. Got started and am a bit stumped now so you may not hear from me for a while, also got a bit distracted while looking for pictures of spanking, you got the cartoon because some of them were fucking weird!!

Quitting?

DJ mentioned on her blog that I'm thinking of hanging up my blogging hat and this is true. It's not the posting so much because if I can't think of anything to say I can usually steal, er umm I mean borrow, something from somewhere but it's the reciprication that's the problem. At the moment I don't seem to have the time, or sometimes to be honest , the inclination to follow up on old posts or visit other blogs. This isn't good enough! People who bother to visit my blog and then go to the trouble of leaving a comment deserve better.

So, my New Year's resolution is to try harder to reply to comments and visit other blogs! I can hardly pack in if there is stuff like this to post....

..... now can I? Thanks for the kind words from the people who asked me not to quit, that was very nice!

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Don't forget your New Years resolution! How about ; Keep Britain Tidy?

Gift Wrapping Ideas

We all know, 'It's the thought that counts'.
But it doesn't cost the earth to show that you really care by wrapping your present beautifully.

I've got some great tips and simple ideas to help you make your gifts look stunning and original.

Five tips for a neatly wrapped gift
Don't use too much paper; it will be difficult to create neat folds.
Keep the paper tight, and crease firmly.
Use as little tape as possible, it will be easier to unwrap.
Keep gift in centre of paper so folds are symmetrical when finished.
Fold tatty edges under to keep them smart.
Before you begin wrapping
Find a hard flat surface to work on. This will make neat wrapping much easier.
Collect all equipment together - presents, paper, scissors, tape, ribbon, glue stick ....etc.
Keep equipment within reach, you can cut lengths of tape first to save time.
Once you have decided how you are going to wrap which presents, you are ready to begin!!

How to measure out the paper
Length - Place the gift 2 inches from the edge of the paper; roll the gift along the paper until you meet the edge of the gift where you began. This will give you enough paper to go all the way around the box plus 2 inches for sticking.

Width - The width of the paper should be no less than the width of the gift plus the height of the gift. The paper needs to go at least half way up the two sides of the gift. Much more and it gets messy.

Get Wrapping
Place the gift upside-down in the centre of the paper.
Bring up the two long sides of paper, and tape in place. Try to keep the join in the middle.
Keep the half wrapped gift upside-down.
Fold down the top pieces of paper and crease along the diagonal edge on both sides.
Fold the two side pieces in towards the middle. Crease along the diagonal edges on the bottom piece.
Fold up the bottom piece and tape in place.
Repeat process on the other end.

Finish off with some ribbon.

Some imaginative wrapping ideas
Show how much thought you've put into their gift before they even get it open.

Rainbow Leis
Break up a rainbow lei, or value rainbow lei.
Using a glue stick, either stick individual flowers on the gift wrap or build up the colours like we have here.
For a really girly look, stick over bright pink or red paper, for a more natural looking field of flowers use green wrap. Alternatively you could just tie a complete lei around the box, rather than a ribbon.

Stick flowers onto the card envelope too.

Confetti Sprinkles
To brighten up any plain colour wrapping, stick some confetti to the paper once wrapped. If using tissue wrap, use two or more layers and sprinkle some confetti inbetween the layers as well. Not only with the wrapped gift look lovely, but when it is ripped open there will be a cascade of brightly coloured confetti pieces. Don't forget to put some in the card as well.


Creepy Critters
This is a variation of the above method - more for the boys
As with the confetti, use more than one layer of tissue wrap. Sprinkle a few small creepy critters or other spiders between the layers when wrapping and stick some on the outside when finished. Or, just stick on the outside of any gift.


Jagged Stripes
Wrap the gift in two separate colours. Carefully rip through the top layer to reveal the colour below. Red over orange for flames, white over black for zebra stripes, you can use any colours or just different shades of the same colour.

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List of resources
Keep these in your cupboards at all times and never be caught out by a last minute present again.
You'll save money on expensive gift wrap too.

Scissors - the sharper the better
Sticky Tape - narrow
Glue Stick - useful for tapeless presents and decoration
Wrapping paper - tissue paper and crepe paper is suitable for any occasion so always keep some in your cupboard.
Table Confetti - these colourful shapes cheer up a greetings card and create a sparkle inside any gift wrapping
Curling Ribbon - finishes off any package with a froth of curls

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But how the fuck am I supposed to wrap this?

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

December 1
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

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December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that, Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

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December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director

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December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?

Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director

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December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces

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December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians! I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now...Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Bitch from Hell

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December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of
the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director

Christmas gift ideas?!

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas-after all, they've only known each other for three weeks. Romantic, yet not too personal. Accompanied by her younger sister, he goes to the mall and buys a pair of white gloves. The sister picks up a pair of panties for herself. But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels. The sister gets the gloves, the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties. Without checking, the guy rushes the suspect gift to his sweetie, after drafting this loving & helpful note...

"I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she'd been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There's no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas Eve."

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.