Chopski's Blog

My kind of video game.

2011-08-26T15:32:00.001+01:00

There is a reason why I'm not a prolific video gamer and that is because I'm not very good at them.

It's nothing new, as far back as space invaders when everyone else was counting shots to get the bonus on the spaceship I was still cowering behind the rock trying to get a shot off. To be honest it hasn't got better with age, my brain knows what it needs to do but there is a difficulty conveying this to my fingers and usually ends up with them mashing all the buttons on the controller. If I play a shoot 'em up with my boys I'm usually just about to lock and load as they kill all my men and capture all my weapons. FIFA is similar while I work out whether to pass or shoot they steal the ball off me and score. To be fair I can't just blame my lack of finger skills as it wasn't that long ago that I pulled a muscle in my leg trying to win in a hurdle race in Kinect Sports and couldn't walk for days.

So what would be my ideal video game? It would be pitting my wills, one on one in a gladiatorial battle to the death. It would be a game of strategy, skill, finesse and would be played at my pace. I know you are thinking there is no such game but dear reader there is. Last week I went to Gamescom and I found it hidden somewhere between tennis and golf in Kinect Sports Season 2 was DARTS.

I played darts and loved it, was good at it and never lost a game. Admittedly one game was with the nice Xbox man who probably let me win and the other was against my 8 year old who really wanted to play golf but hey I have a 100% record. I will be the first in the queue when it's released later in the year. When I get it home and step up to the virtual ocky in the immortal words of darts commentating legend Sid Waddell "the atmosphere in here will be like the Colleseum in Rome with Jews on the menu".

Let's play darts!

I'm not scared of flying part 3

2011-08-19T12:54:00.001+01:00

Everybody is now watered, fed, toileted and a calm permeates the cabin. It's about now that I try to settle down and watch a movie knowing in my heart it isn't going to happen. My tv never works properly, either the headphones are faulty, the screen freezes or both. If I do ever get the tv to work the only choice of movie that day will be Passenger 57 or Snakes on a Plane. Neither of which will get a viewing so in the end I watch the oversized airplane on the screen showing where we are, how fast we are going and how high up we are. I can sit there and formulate this information into how fast we will hit the ground and about where we will hit if the worst happens.

Around about the time I think I'm just getting used to this flying thing the pilot,or if he is busy eating caviar from the bellybutton of a stewardess, his second in command announces that we are about to begin the descent. De scent sounds like something you would use to get rid of a smell which I suppose would be apt around about now in my case.

Descending usually stirs up the hoards and the cabin becomes a hive of activity again. Bags down, up and down again as people search for their belongings so they can escape the plane as soon as it lands. Me, I just pull my belt a little tighter and search out for hands to grab. This is not so easy this time as the recently bruised appendages are usually hidden from view so as not to have the punishment inflicted for a second time. I can generally coax them from their hiding place with confectionary which I have saved especially for this occasion. When the under carriage goes down this scares the crap out of me and my neighbours wish they weren't so bloody greedy as their fingers begin to turn an angry shade of blue.

Then we are down. I can now return the rosary beads and the lucky rabbits foot I borrowed from the air steward and let go of the hands. It is about now that the captain makes an announcement somewhere on the lines of: "ladies and gentlemen the plane has now landed. Please keep your seatbelt fastened and stay in your seat until the plane has come to a halt. Also please do not turn on your mobile phone until you are in the doors are open. Thank you for..." I never get to hear the last bit of the annoucement as everybody is unbuckling their belt, getting out of their seat and turning on their phone.

The final part of the plane journey is nearly upon us and this is departing the plane. By the time the plane has halted and the steps are attached most of the passengers have crammed their way into the aisle and are deciding which door will open first and will that be the fastest way to exit. Me I'm still to unbuckle my belt and will probably be the last off the plane.

That's it all over until the flight home!

I'm not scared of flying part 2

2011-08-14T08:18:00.000+01:00

So the plane reaches it's cruising height far too far from the ground and levels out. To my mind this would be an ideal opportunity to dim the lights, pipe through some whale noises and encourage the passengers to go to sleep.

But no.

Instead they decide to bring round the drinks trolley. The rowdy people who have been in the bar for the last 2 hours can now top up their alcohol level and be more rowdy and the hyperactive kids who are already over excited can drink fizzy pop then run around the plane with a sick bag on their head pretending to be a superhero. Just as the cabin crew seem to be losing control the captain decides to regain it and suddenly drops the plane by a couple of hundred feet. The fasten seatbelt sign comes on and people are ushered back in their seats and strapped in. He drops it a couple more times for effect pretending it's turbulence, I dont have to fasten my seatbelt as it's never been unfastened though i do tighten it a bit more. Everyone is strapped in now apart from one idiot who can't wait for the toilet and is arguing with the steward.

Now would be a good time for the dimming of the lights and music of the whales.

But no.

They bring round food.

I don't have any problem with airplane food, I actualy quite like it but is there any real need for it on a short haul flight? Especially as one of the options is going to be curry and the plane already stinks of feet and farts. Having said that I like eating the food there are a few things that I would like to point out at this stage. The portions are perfect, that is if you come from Lilliput and aren't Gulliver. The meal is always heated to the temperature of molten lava. You get two sachets of pepper and no salt. And then there is the roll. The rolls you get on the plane are unique to airlines. It's always a small but perfectly formed roll with a crust that is impossible to break with your hands so you have to use the plastic knife. After sawing with the knife for the best part of an hour you penetrate the crust to reveal the soft centre onto which you try to spread the butter. The butter is as hard as the centre of the roll is soft and no matter how long you keep it under your armpit it doesn't get any softer. Eventually you get fed up with it, shove it in the roll then chuck it at the idiot in front who has finished his food and drops his chair back in your lap closely followed by everything left on your tray.

So now when they have cleared away the debris of the meal they dim the lights with a distinct lack of whale music and expect everyone to go to sleep. What everyone wants to do now is use the toilet, two of which are already blocked up and there are queues snaking around the plane.

I try and avoid the toilet as long as possible, being crammed into the plane is bad enough but being crammed into a tiny box on the plane that is very noisy and stinks is even worse. If anyone reading this has had sex in a airplane toilet can you please let me know in the comment box how and why? I should imagine that you would be quite easy to spot as half your body must get covered in blue stain as you'd never be able go avoid dipping into the toilet water. My big mistake is not using the toilet when I first get on the plane as I presume then it's clean and smells reasonable but due to a small bladder and a touch of IBS this never quite works out. By the time I come to use it the toilet resembles a festival portaloo on the final day which has been turned upside down and shaken vigorously. I usually get in there just after someone with an upset stomach who has obviously read the signs wrong and has filled the toilet up with paper and has tried to shit in the bin and as soon as I shut the door the pilot drops down a couple of hundred feet and the fasten seatbelt sing comes on.

To be cont...

I'm not scared of flying part 1

2011-08-08T19:23:00.000+01:00

I'm not scared of flying, it's the crashing and dying in a ball of flames that scares the crap out of me. We are going away next week so now I have to start coming to terms with the fact that I will be crammed into that metal box held together with a few rivets and the sweat of my fear then propelled unceremoniously into space.

It's not natural.

Don't get me wrong, I love to travel it's just the getting there that I don't like. It also doesn't like me. Let's forget about the travelling to the airport for the moment or the time at the terminal (great choice of name by the way) and concentrate on the flight.

Firstly you have to board the plane. Now this would seem a simple task as everybody has a designated seat, the boarding is done in blocks of seat numbers and the plane is not going to leave without you unless you are still in the bar next to the sock shop. So why, when the official looking person behind the boarding desk, starts to make an announcement on the tannoy do half the passengers run towards the gate? The plane won't leave any earlier if you are the first person in your seat, you won't get a sticker but you will be sat down longer than everyone else. That is unless you are one of the annoying twats who won't sit down until the very last moment and everybody else has to squeeze past you.

Next you have to stow your carry on. Now it can either go by your feet so your stuff is easily accessible and you won't have to get up seventy four times during the flight to get a tissue or a jelly baby. Or you can stow it precariously in the overhead compartment from where it can drip orange juice on my head all journey or fall out and break my toe when I open the door.

Now that you've found a way to annoy me with your carry on luggage you have to take your seat. Now I'm six feet three inches tall and weigh the wrong side of fifteen stones so fitting into one of those seats is a feat in itself, so being a fat magnet really doesn't help. What is a fat magnet you may be asking. Well as soon as I sit down the biggest, fattest person on the plane will sit directly in front of me then tip his fucking chair back.

I don't want to tip my chair back because I want to be ready when the plastic mask drops from the ceiling so I can put it on before I help younger children. Then be able to get my life jacket on the right way, know how to inflate it and how to blow the whistle. Also which emergancy exits are the most suitable for me and when I can unbuckle my seat belt. Most of you won't know what the hell I'm talking about now because as the flight attendant is going through his/her talk you are going through the seat compartment looking for boiled sweets or seeing if the duty free whisky you just bought would've been cheaper on the flight.

Not that I'm paranoid about it crashing but next time you get on the plane have a look at the exterior and see how much gaffer tape they use. Once someone told me that I had more chance of getting a deep vein thrombosis than the plane had of crashing. Great, now I can worry about crashing and/or getting a DVT.

So now we have stowed our bags, are strapped in the seat, have avoided the safety talk and are ready to take off. I put a boiled sweet in my mouth and grab hold of the hands of the passengers either side of me whether they want to hold hands or not and we taxi up to the runway then stop.

We always stop.

I finish my sweet and my hands are all clammy, I can't let go and put another sweet in so I sit and imagine why we have stopped. It's not always good thoughts.

Then we start again.

Are we starting because it's safe or because the pilot has a death wish? We start moving faster and I shut my eyes and there is a scream. I'm not really sure it's not me until it goes again and I realise it's the person next to me and I'm crushing their hand. Tough shit! The whole thing is vibrating and the gaffer tape is peeling off the wing and my ears are popping, then we are up. The seatbelt light goes out, the plane is levelling out and I let go of my neighbours.

To be cont...

Swimming Lessons

2011-07-10T12:05:00.000+01:00

Wednesday is swimming lessons, it lasts for half an hour.

I take the boy to a local fitness club which has a pool and a shouty instructor. I'm not a member so I have to pay more for the pleasure and am humiliated on entry when I have to give up my car in exchange for the loan of a locker key. The humiliation continues when I have to wear blue plastic overshoes. I know everyone else has to unless they are a bloody hippy and go barefoot but I have size 12 feet so the damn things don't fit and rip every time.

Then I sit with the mothers. It seems to be mainly mothers with their kids and I think this is because of the heat. It's like a sauna in that place so it suits the mums as women never seem to get hot. I sit there in my shorts and tee-shirt sweating like a pig and the mums pull on another cardigan, wrap a scarf round their neck and turn the heating up. The only reason the blue plastic things on my feet haven’t begun to melt is because they are filling with sweat.

My phone goes off in my pocket telling me I have a text message. I retrieve my phone and look at it with one eye on the boy swimming so I don't get rebuffed for missing him actually doing what he is told. The lifeguard comes over and asks me to put my phone away "as these devices sometimes have cameras and they aren't allowed by the pool". The boy next to me playing Angry Birds on an iPhone is obviously exempt from this rule as is the mum on the end talking to Michelle about the BBQ on the weekend. Seems like its only sweaty middle aged men with scruffy overshoes who aren't allowed their phone out by the pool. The lifeguard is a young lad and he stands watching me for ages before starting to walk off. I slip my hand into my phone pocket and he stops, turns round and looks at me. I take my hand off my phone and he turns and starts walking so I try again. He stops and turns quicker this time trying to catch me. It's like a crap version of What's the Time Mister Wolf? except that he's lost patience and stands next to me for the rest of the lesson.

Then it's home time.

After reading this far you'll probably expect me to like home time but this is the worst part of the experience. The boy goes and has a shower while I sort his clothes and retrieve the locker key so I can get my car back on the way out. He won't get changed in the communal area, he likes to use one of the cubicles so I have to sit out in the changing rooms on my own, fully clothed while men get changed all around me. Thank god the lifeguard doesn't get to see this! Now, if you are getting changed then a changing room is as good a place as any to be in, but when you are just sat there with your clothes, on twiddling your thumbs, it really isn't.

Men look at me like I'm a weirdo! And, as for me, where am I supposed to look?

I can't look at them in the eye because they are like "yeah what are you looking at?" and if I look anywhere else they are like "yeah what the fuck are you looking at?". That is apart from the chubby Asian fella who seems to enjoy it and stands very close while drying himself rather too vigorously with a tiny towel. Me pointing at the cubicle and mumbling something about being with the boy in there doesn't help. When I call him and he doesn't answer that helps even less. Looking over the top of the cubicle and trying to open the door from the outside also doesn't go down well.

Finally I get him out of the cubicle and I let him dry his hair with the dryer for 20 seconds before rushing to the exit. When we are halfway to the car he tell me he can't remember if he has underwear on but refuses to check. I inform him that there is no way we are going back in that changing room until next Wednesday so if he is commando he’ll just have to tough it out until we get home!

Free Brazilian for the over seventies this Christmas.

2011-06-25T12:27:00.000+01:00

I don't blog as often as I used to and things have changed on Blogger since I was last on here. One thing in particular has caught my attention and that is they now have a stats section which let's you see who has been on your blog and what they have been looking at. I was quite surprised to see that I have been getting regular visits even though I haven't been posting. I was also interested to find out how/why they had ended up on my blog. It appears that the key search words for finding my blog are: sex after seventy, Brazilian wax photos and rude Christmas one-liners. That's why I've named this post free Brazilian for the over seventies this Christmas. There will be people falling over themselves to have a look!

Integrity! Where has it all gone?

2010-09-02T15:51:00.003+01:00

In March we gutted the downstairs cloakroom, had the walls re-skimmed and a new toilet and basin were fitted.

We were very pleased with it.

Pleased until now.

I had painted the walls blue, a light blue, sorry I can't be more specific without going to the shed to look at the tin. The paint stayed on until quite recently when it started to peel off. I painted it again and this time at the bottom of the wall it didn't dry in the same colour. We now have two tone walls.

I invested in a damp meter and we have damp. Not on all the walls just the bits that are darker than the other bits.

I phoned the plasterer and he said it was nothing he'd done.

I hunted through my stuff and found a warranty for a damp course we had done before we moved in 4 years ago and rang the damp firm. Before I even asked him to come and look at it he told me that the warranties were no longer valid. It was supposed to last 15 years and the firm is still trading but the warranty is no good.

We are owed money from another man who keeps promising to pay despite having a CCJ out on him still no sign of the money. This money would pay for the work to be done.

I was going to have a long rant about integrity but I can't be bothered, fill in your own blanks...!

Urban Dictionary

2010-08-27T16:11:00.002+01:00

The Urban Dictionary definition of Chopski is: the person who always talks about cocaine and says how he has ounces coming out of his ass. "Hey chopski, you got any linears of yablonski?"

I would just like to say that person is not me!

I wonder what the Urban Dictionary says about you?

Mystery Shopper

2010-08-24T12:03:00.004+01:00

I have a new sideline.

I get paid to do it but it doesn't make me rich or famous. I even get to do it from the comfort of my computer chair though other times I have to go out into the big bad world and do it.

I am a mystery shopper!

I get paid to buy stuff I want (on the last occasion something I actually needed) and then comment on the service I get. I've worked in retail so I know how shit the job can be but some people don't make it easy for me to say nice things about them. The criteria can be quite strict and this makes it a bit difficult if the member of staff is nice but crap at their job.

Then last week I had a reality check and the biter was bitten back!

Halfway through the day at work I was approached by a gentleman who got out his ID and showed me he was working undercover for my bosses and needed to check me over. He did all his checks and was happy I was doing the job correctly and to the expected standard. He would have had no qualms to wrap me over the knuckles if I was doing it wrong no matter how nice I was.

So, sales/customer service assistants of Great Britain beware you may be serving me in my position of mystery shopper sometime soon!

A-D-D?

2010-07-20T14:10:00.005+01:00

I'm not sure but I think I have an attention deficit disorder. I see the inside of my brain as a bag of Rowntree Randoms with a compulsive urge to call people monkey face. This is difficult for me as I like things to be tidy and in rows and random doesn't fit in my brain. In the house it's different as I can stack things neatly and can walk away and in most cases come back and they are just how I left them. I say in most cases as I live in a house with two people who have Autism neither of whom have the stacking neatly in rows part! Numbers are important too, I'm not keen on odd numbers. When I wash my hands at work I have to dry them with six sheets of paper towel. I've tried less but it doesn't work and I have to sneak extra ones as if someone is watching me, checking. The stereo/TV volume has to be on an even number, my kids try and wind me up by putting it on an even number but I pretend it doesn't matter then change it when they aren't looking.

Bugger!

I've been distracted and am talking about my obsessive-compulsiveness not my attentionlessness. I spend a lot of time on my own at work, by the nature of the job not because I smell and everyone hates me I must add. I have plenty of time to think and I have great plans during this time, ideas to revolutionise the world or at least a 3 and a half mile radius round my house. My house is number 17 by the way and it isn't a problem that it's an odd number.

Note to self: FUCKING CONCENTRATE!!

So I have these ideas like the bicycle rickshaws instead of taxis idea I had ages ago, did nothing and now the bloody things are popping up all over the place. The problem with that idea was when I first thought of it it was positioned in my brain next to the monkey butlers and consequently the rickshaws had to be ridden by monkeys dressed in dinner jackets. When I said the idea out loud it had its own merits but was a bit unworkable. I had other ideas like the i-pad but that had Pirate issues and was more of an i-patch and came with a free parrot. "Pieces of eight!" Parrots also have even number issues so are okay in my book! Bluetooth was my idea too but that somehow got mixed up with Hollywood and ended up as a dentist porno!

But now I have a new idea! I want to share it with you all and I will as soon as I work out the teething problems and can keep it away from the rubber duck and the plastic saxophone.

Watch this space! Well not this space exactly because that would be stupid and would drive you mental after a few hours. I'll tell you when.

#3 son is a vampire

2010-07-09T14:53:00.002+01:00

It's been a bit of an odd week though to have an odd week in this house is quite usual so does two odds make a normal and if so then we had a normal week which is odd which in turn is quite normal. Mmm I'm confused and have lost my train of thought! I keep telling myself not to write the first thing that comes into my head though who would win out of a giant mullet and killer tortoise might have made more sense.
#3 son is a vampire and his vampire friends come round to his room for a secret meeting everyday. Toby is one of them. George might be one too! There is a secret passage into the garden where there is a chest full of money which he used to buy his three screen TV (which has everything on it). He would give me some of his money but it's invisible so quite hard to spend. He doesn't drink blood you know and cant turn into a bat, he's not that type of vampire. Girls aren't allowed in the meetings apart from his mum and Ruby his other mum.
I better go and get him from school, he must be hungry though he doesn't seem keen on garlic at the moment!

I need answers!

2010-07-04T13:48:00.003+01:00

I like to answer the bee questions, it's a bit of fun and you make friends. This saves me from latching on to random strangers in the street and following them home. Sometimes they tell the police I'm not their friend and this can become embarrassing.
One thing though, it would be cool if I knew the answer people gave to the bees as I have some questions I would really like the answer to.
Here's a couple; when buying a book on the Internet would you rather have free postage or a discount and pay for the postage? If you knew someone selling something you wanted would you buy it from them even if you had to pay slightly more than if you bought it from a large retailer?
I have an idea in my head that won't go away and I have hundreds of bloody questions but I will stick with these two for the moment. Anyone who has an opinion please leave a comment.Ta!

New begining

2010-06-28T14:14:00.003+01:00

I've freshened up the blog and am going to make a conscious effort to blog a little more often that once a year. Note the new widget that Caroline has had made to promote her new book Like Bees to Honey. You can now follow me on twitter, that is if I sign DJ out and don't tweet as her. Widgets and Tweets! Shit I'm getting so bloody technical, next I'll work out how to program the VCR and set the clock on the microwave!

Career choice?

2009-10-07T15:35:00.002+01:00

I've just seen a tradesman's van drive past. He is, according to the sign on the aforesaid van, an expert in wall tie replacement and crack stitching.

How do you become a crack stitcher? Why become a crack stitcher? Is there an apprenticeship? Is it something to aspire to?

There are so many things I need to know about crack stitching! Please help!

My Shorts!

2009-07-30T12:54:00.002+01:00

Tomorrow I'm getting married! I've spent most of this week washing and ironing (I know I'm going to screw everything up into a suitcase) everything I'm going need while we are away. Today I was checking through to double check everything for the hundredth time and I noticed my shorts were missing. I have a favourite pair, they are blue, comfortable and have lots of pockets that fasten shut so I don't lose all my stuff the moment I sit down.

Where the hell were they?

I looked everywhere at least twice and they were nowhere to be found. I knew I'd washed them because I'd put them in with my jeans (I'd learnt my lesson about mixing colours and whites and turning all her underwear grey!).

I stood for a while looking out of #3 sons bedroom window contemplating the situation, how was I going to get married without my blue shorts? Then I noticed in the neighbours garden a pair of blue shorts that looked just like mine. I raced downstairs and peered over the fence, they were mine, hallelujah! They must have blown off the washing line and into his garden.

I went next door and he wasn't in, bollocks!

I could wait for him to come back but sometimes he isn't around for days. The other option was to climb over the fence and get them myself. The problem with this plan is most of the fence is six foot high and not the most solid thing in the world. Part of it though is four foot tall on top of a two foot wall, this is where I would scale it!

I stood on the wall and tried to throw my leg over, not a chance! Unperturbed I went to the shed for a step ladder, climbed that then swung my leg over. Success! It was a bit of a stretch but I was over and quickly retrieved my shorts, now to get back. I reached over and lifted the ladder into his garden then scaled it swung my leg over the fence and knocked over the ladder. I wasn't worried about that as I'd be able to snag it with something and get it back. What I was worried about though was my leg that was over the fence couldn't quite reach the wall and my trailing leg couldn't squeeze past the fence post which on the return journey was quite a bit proud of the fence.

Fuck I was stuck!!

No time to panic because the fence panel was creaking like a bastard and wasn't long for this life and if it broke neither was I. I flung the shorts into the garden then tried to grab my foot and pull it free from the post and at the same time lower myself down. It wouldn't go! So I gave one huge pull and found myself in a pile on the patio and apart from a cut on my knee no irreparable damage.

I picked up my shorts, gave them a quick hug and chucked them in the washing machine. The only thing is it's pouring with rain now and I'm never going to get them dry by tomorrow!

Murder Mystery!

2009-07-16T07:57:00.003+01:00

Oh my, not been on here for a while!

This is my account of an after school conversation with #3 son, he or the cat may dispute some of it but on the whole it is how I remember it.

Me: Cat get out from under my feet!
Cat: Meep!
Me: #3 son can you take your cat with you to watch TV as she is being a pain?
#3 son: Cat! Cat! Cat! Cat! She's not coming!
Me (wishing I hadn't said the words a soon as they came out of my mouth): If she doesn't move soon I'm going to bop her on the head with this wooden spoon.

I brandish said spoon in a provocative manner.

#3 son: Go on do it, do it!
Me quickly backing down: No, that wouldn't be a nice thing to do and it might make her cry.
#3 son: If I hit you on the head with it would you cry?
Me (foolishly): Nope I'd hit you on the head in return.
#3 son: Then I'd cut out your heart and cut it in two!

Now I knew this is where I should stop but something made me carry on.

Me: Then you'd spend an awful long time in jail!
#3 son: No I wouldn't.
Me: Well what do you think the police would say about the dead body with no heart and all the blood over the floor?
#3 son: They won't find it.
Me: How's that?
#3 son: I'd bury it.
Me: Where?
#3 son: I'd dig a big hole in the garden.
Me: And the blood?
#3 son: Mum will help me clear it up.

Now, should I be worried that he has this all worked out or should I laugh it off?

Me: Well what about your brothers?
#3 son: That's okay me and mum will pick them up.
Me: But what would you tell them about me?
#3 son: I'd tell them you were in the graveyard.
Me: Don't you think they would be upset?
#3 son: Well...erm...

I'm making some progress now...

#3 son: I could take your brain out?
Me: What?
#3 son: Instead of cutting your heart in two I could take your brain out!

Here we go again...

Me: How are you going to manage that, haven't you noticed all the bone on my head that protects it?
#3 son: I could break it with a mallet.
Me: A mallet? Do you have a mallet?
#3 son: No but I could buy one.
Me: How much money do you have?

I asked this as I knew he didn't have much money in the house about 30p in a small tin.

#3 son: One million pounds!
Me: Do you know how much a mallet costs?
#3 son: No, how much?
Me: Probably more than you have in that little tin.
#3 son: And how much is that?
Me: About a small bag of sweets worth.
#3 son: No way! At least five bags of sweets.

Ah, I think feeling smug myself as I had inadvertently steered him away from the topic of my impending murder.

#3 son: You know I could always...

I'm not listening now and start hiding anything that looks remotely sharp and/or knife shaped or anything that looks like a mallet!

Rachel Green

2009-05-27T06:48:00.002+01:00

Today I'm playing host to Rachel Green and her blog tour and I got to ask her a few questions which are listed below.

An Ungodly Child wasn’t the sort of book I would usually read and was determined not to like it. You have two wives are you mad?
Fair enough! I did have two wyves. Now I have a wife and a husband, sort-of. Yes. I have been certified mad, but not for that.

Sorry I got distracted a bit. Against my better judgement I actually enjoyed the book and would read the next one but... two wives!... Jasfoup? I had real problems with this name and couldn’t get my head or tongue around it would you consider calling him Bob in further instalments?
I’m very glad you liked it despite yourself. Yes…and I love them both. Jasfoup just is. His name is pronounced Jas (as in pass) foup (as in hoop). I thought of Bob but alas the name was already in use by several people who looked nothing like Jasfoup.

I tend to use my evaporated milk just the once but how do you feel about reincarnation?
Far too sweet for me, I’m afraid. I’ll stick with Elmlea and Eternity.

I did dabble in the occult for a while. I gave up all my worldly goods and was locked in a room made to perform cunnilingus for hours on end. No sorry that was the ‘o’ cult what are your views on the dark arts?
I dabbled in the occult once but it was full of old prams and bicycles. I did dredge up an old shell, though. The ‘o’ culd held my interest for many years and I’ve been published in some relevant journals about the subject. The Dark Arts I have no views about, other than Why Not Turn The Lights On Then, Do You Really Think A Demon Is Going To Think “Oh Noes! Too Bright To Cause Mayhem Without Shades, Man. Apart from that, I tend to side with Jasfoup in that the ‘dark arts’ are just Christians out for a fast buck. Seriously, though, there’s some dark shit out there.

Is it possible one of the cats in my house puts spells on me and is stopping me from winning the lottery? I can see the bitterness in her eyes!
It is entirely possible, yes. You should feed her only fresh tuna for a year. She might let you win the lottery then, on a day that the colour of the sky matches her eyes.

Do you have any tips on getting rid of slugs?
Concrete the whole garden. Failing that, beer traps and the old lob-the-buggers-over-the-fence method.

I know you enjoy painting, me too...
I’ve never painted you
...don’t you just hate it when they print the numbers so small you don’t know which colour paint to use?
That’s why I have imps

The two wives thing that’s a joke right?
One makes me tea and the other makes visitors make me tea

If you’re out on a moonlit night
Be careful of them neighborhood strays
Of a lady with long black hair
Tryin to win you with her feminine ways
Crystal ball on the table
Showing the future, the past
Same cat with them evil eyes
You’d better get out of there fast
Part of Cliff Richards Devil Woman! Now I think he might be a fallen angel, what do you think?
It rather depends if you’re a fan of his or not. I don’t think he Fell, per-se, just skinned his knees a bit.

Do you intend in finding an interesting way to hurt me?
Only if you can afford my rates, otherwise, I’ll leave the hurting tasks to my agent.

Do you think a leatherdyke is practical to withstand torrential rain?
Only if several women are prepared to stick their fingers into the holes.

And on that note we quickly call it a day!!

Meme.

2009-05-12T12:52:00.003+01:00

I was tasked to do a meme and here it is:

My favorite word: Bedtime.

My least favorite word: Work.

What turns me on? A switch behind my left ear.

What turns me off? Same one.

What sound do I love? Quiet.

What sound do you hate? My alarm clock.

What is your favorite curse word? I never, ever curse

What profession other than yours would you like to attempt? Anything that ends in merchant or mate eg; plumbers mate or builders merchant.

What profession would you not like to do? Postman.

If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates? Have you seen St Peter anywhere?

Extra free?

2009-05-08T16:47:00.002+01:00

I was in the chemist with #3 son filling a prescription. As we waited he played with the electric door annoying the staff enough to hurry up our order and I scanned the shelves for bargains.

Something caught my eye.

I'm not sure if it was a bargain or a way of pointing out male inadequacies. What do you think of condoms 25% extra free?

The Good Old Days?

2009-05-04T10:28:00.005+01:00

I was reading a couple of days ago on Tom Foolery's blog about leaving a legacy and it got me wondering if I would get to leave a legacy.

There is a shop at the bottom of our road, it's been numerous things in it's past. I've known it in the short time I've been here as a takeaway, a card shop, a charity shop and now it stands empty. I'd like to buy it and turn it into one of those old curiosity shops. You know the type? The ones that have a bell attached to the door frame which jingles every time the door opens and closes behind you and as soon as you are ensconced inside smells of old! I'd sell all kinds of things; books, vases, paintings, miss-matched cutlery etc and never make a profit. The store would be called The Good Old Days.

But it isn't about the shop, because when I sold up it would probably revert to one of it's former uses, it's about the bus stop right outside the door of the shop. People using the bus and getting off at that stop would invariably have to ask the bus driver for "A return to the good old days"!

Is that even a legacy or do I have to aim higher?

Dunno!

So in the mean time I've acquired a donor card and am leaving a leg so am at the moment at least halfway there!

Bless me!

2009-05-03T20:16:00.002+01:00

I went to the doctors today because every time I sneeze it sounds like Chardonnay. He said I was the fifth person in this week with the same complaint and it was nothing to worry about, apparently it's wine flu!

Apartheid?

2009-05-01T16:13:00.002+01:00

It appears that apartheid is alive and kicking in Portsmouth!

A pot to piss in?

2009-04-29T17:04:00.002+01:00

I took #3 son to the doctors today, he moved surgery to one nearer home and more convenient. He had to take a sample so did a wee in a small jar which I carried to school to get him then on to the doctors. Well, everyone says I always take the piss and today they would be right!

We were 2 minutes late and so were made to wait half an hour as a form of penance so I was determined to get my own back. When we finally got in to see the nurse she weighed him, measured him and then asked for the sample which I duly handed over. She opened it, stuck a multi-coloured piece of paper in it then tipped it away. As she took the jar and dropped it in the bin I exclaimed NOOO! I explained to her that I needed the jar for work in the morning to put my milk in. The colour drained from her face and it wasn't until she had hooked it out the bin that she realised I was taking the piss (again).

I don't think we'll be kept waiting there again. Or maybe we will!!

Spoons

2009-04-24T10:57:00.002+01:00

My blogging has been a bit lack lustre lately but as I'm off work today and having a rest between chores I thought I might regale you with something that happened last night.

I went to a function last night, part of which was a sit down three course meal. I had the unenviable honour of sitting at the top table next to the most distinguished guest. He was a very nice man and laughed along in all the right places in my humorous ditties. Then out came the food.

The first course was a bowl of broccoli soup and we both tucked in. Now etiquette probably isn't my strong point but I do know with cutlery one works ones way from the outside in. I was halfway through my soup when I noticed my soup spoon was still on the table. I glanced at my bowl, fuck I was using my dessert spoon, how did that happen? The distinguished guest was using his soup spoon and I didn't think he'd noticed my indiscretion. Unfortunately the spoon seemed to be growing on the table and flashing Morse code that said "look at me I'm still here Numpty is using the wrong spoon!".

I had a plan!

I unfolded my napkin into my lap then licked as much soup as I could off of the spoon then I snuck it onto my napkin. So far so good until while wiping it off I noticed the DG was watching me intensely. I looked into his eyes and smiled and could see a knowing look of pity as he smiled back.

I finished my soup with the correct spoon but the damage was done, my big chance to impress all but gone. The worst part of the whole thing was I didn't even need my dessert spoon for the dessert as it was cheesecake and I used a fork.

Damn! Was it the right fork!

Neighbours eh!

2009-04-22T16:32:00.001+01:00

I need inspiration!!!

2009-04-16T12:10:00.003+01:00

I've been neglecting the blog for a while. I came on with good intentions of writing something. Couldn't think of anything pertinent so...

Famous Birthdays on 28th of March

2009-03-27T14:31:00.002Z

1468 - Charles I, Duke of Savoy
1472 - Fra Bartolomeo, monk, Florentine Renaissance painter
1472 - Fra Bartolommeo, Italian artist (d. 1517)
1483 - Raphael, Urbino Italy, painter (School of Athens)
1515 - Theresa of Avila/Teresa de Jesus, Spanish mystic writer/saint
1522 - Albert the Warlike, Prince of Bayreuth (d. 1557)
1569 - Ranuccio I Farnese, Duke of Parma (d. 1622)
1592 - Jan Amos Komensky, [Comenius] Moravian educational reB03281603 StephanOtto,composer
1599 - Witte Corneliszoon de With, Dutch naval officer (d. 1658)
1613 - Xiaozhuangwen Grand Empress Dowager, Empress of Manchu (d. 1688)
1615 - Pieter de Groot, Dutch regent/diplomat
1621 - Heinrich Schwemmer, composer
1643 - Jose Solana, composer
1652 - Samuel Sewall, American magistrate (d. 1730)
1660 - Arnold Houbraken, Dutch schilder/writer
1660 - Georg Ludwig, German monarch of Hannover/King George I of Gt Britain
1725 - Andrew Kippis, English clergyman and biographer (d. 1795)
1727 - Maximilian III Jozef, Elector of Bayern (1745-77)
1729 - Pieter Fouquet, Dutch art seller (Atlas of Fouquet)
1737 - Francesco Zannetti, composer
1741 - Johann Andre, composer
1750 - Francisco A G de Miranda, Venezuelan freedom fighter
1760 - Thomas Clarkson, English abolitionist (Negro Emancipation)
1766 - Joseph Weigl, Austria composer/conductor (Emmeline)
1770 - Sophie Mereau, writer
1773 - Henri Gratien, Comte Bertrand, French general (d. 1844)
1779 - Angelo Maria Benincori, composer
1793 - Henry Schoolcraft, American geographer and geologist (d. 1864)
1795 - Georg Heinrich Pertz, German historian (d. 1876)
1799 - Karl Adolph von Basedow, German artist (Ziekte van Basedow)
1806 - Ludolf AJW Sloet van de Beele, gov-gen of Neth Indies (1861-66)
1806 - Thomas Hare, English barrister (d. 1891)
1815 - Arsène Houssaye, French novelist (d. 1896)
1817 - Mariano Soriano Fuertes y Piqueras, composer
1818 - Wade Hampton, SC, Lt Gen (Confederate Army), died in 1902
1819 - Sir Joseph Bazalgette, English civil engineer (d. 1891)
1836 - Frederick Pabst, American brewer (d. 1904)
1840 - Mehemed Emin Pasja, German explorer/governor (Equatoria)
1842 - William Harvey Carney, American Civil War officier (d. 1908)
1849 - James Darmesteter, French author and antiquarian (d. 1894)
1851 - Bernardino Machado, Portuguese politician (d. 1944)
1853 - Rudolf Kittel, German theologist (Psalms)
1862 - Aristide Briand, France, 11x premier (1909-22) (Nobel 1926)
1866 - Jimmy Ross, Scottish footballer (d. 1902)
1868 - Cuno Amiet, Swiss painter
1868 - Maxim Gorki, [Aleksei Peshikov], Russia, writer (Mother) [3/16 OS]
1868 - Wojciech Gawronski, composer
1868 - Maxim Gorky, Russian author (d. 1936)
1871 - Willem Mengelberg, Utrecht Neth, conductor (NY Philharmonic 1922-30)
1872 - Jose Sanjurjo y Sacanell, Spanish general (Morocco)
1883 - William H Harris, composer
1885 - Marc-Jean-Baptiste Delmas, composer
1886 - Jaroslav Novotny, composer
1887 - Rudolf F W Boskaljon, Curacao, musician/composer
1890 - Paul Whiteman, Denver Co, orch leader (Paul Whiteman's TV Teen Club)
1891 - Karel MJF Cruysberghs, Flemish author
1891 - Peter Suhrkamp, German publisher (Suhrkamp Verlag)
1892 - Corneille Heymans, Belgian physiologist, Nobel Prize laureate (d. 1968)
1892 - Tom Maguire, Irish republican (d. 1993)
1893 - Spyros Skouras, Greek-born American movie executive (d. 1971)
1895 - Spencer W Kimball, 12th prophet of Mormon church
1895 - Christian Herter, 59th Governor of Massachusetts (d. 1966)
1897 - Sepp Herberger, German football coach (d. 1977)
1899 - Harold B. Lee, American religious leader (d. 1973)
1899 - August Anheuser Busch, Jr., brewing magnate and American baseball executive (d. 1989)
1899 - Buck Shaw, American football coach (d. 1977)
1900 - Achille Longo, composer
1900 - Robert Harris, actor (Big Caper, Laughing Anne)
1902 - Flora Robson, South Shields England, actress (Dominique is Dead)
1902 - Paul Godwin, [Goldfein], Polish/Dutch violinist
1902 - Jaromír Vejvoda, Czech composer (d. 1988)
1903 - Rudolf Serkin, Eger Bohemia, pianist (Marlboro Sch of Music)
1903 - Charles Starrett, American actor (d. 1986)
1904 - Fosco Giachetti, Livorno Italy, actor (Wastrel, We the Living)
1905 - Marlin Perkins, Carthage Mo, TV host (Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom)
1905 - Pandro S Berman, film producer
1906 - Joseph Wright, Canada, oarsman (Olympic-gold-1928)
1906 - Robert (Bob) Allen, actor (Texas Rangers)
1907 - Herbert "Herb" Hall, clarinetist/saxophonist
1907 - "Swifty" Lazar, American talent agent (d. 1993)
1909 - Nelson Algren, US, novelist (Man with the Golden Arm)
1910 - Ingrid, Queen Mother of Denmark
1910 - Frederick Baldwin Adams, Jr., American Librarian (d. 2001)
1910 - Jimmie Dodd, American actor (d. 1964)
1911 - Myfanwy Piper, librettist
1911 - J. L. Austin, British philosopher of language (d. 1960)
1912 - A[rthur] Bertram Chandler, UK, sci-fi author (Empress of Outer Space)
1912 - Marina Raskova, Russian navigator (d. 1943)
1914 - Bohumil Hrabal, writer
1914 - Edmund Sixtus Muskie, (Sen-D-Me)/US Sec of State (1980)
1914 - Frank Lovejoy, Bronx NY, actor (Man Against Crime, Meet McGraw)
1914 - Edward Anhalt, American screenwriter (d. 2000)
1914 - Kenneth Richard Norris, Australian entomologist (d. 2003)
1915 - Jay Livingston, composer (Buttons & Bows, Mona Lisa, Tammy)
1915 - Raymond Emery, cricketer (NZ Test batsman vs West Indies 1952)
1918 - Youly Algaroff, ballet dancer
1919 - Jacob Avshalomov, Tsingtao China, composer (Sinfonietta, The Oregon)
1919 - Tom Brooks, cricketer (NSW fast bowler of the 30's, later Test umpire)
1919 - Vic Raschi, American baseball player (d. 1988)
1920 - Dirk Bogarde, London England, actor (Death in Venice, Servant)
1920 - Gene Chappie, (Rep-R-CA, 1981-86)
1920 - Lord Butterfield
1922 - Neville Bonner, Australian politician (d. 1999)
1922 - Felice Chiusano, Italian singer (d. 1990)
1922 - Joey Maxim, American boxer (d. 2001)
1924 - Freddie Bartholomew, England, actor (Anna Karenina, David Copperfield)
1924 - Gerhart Fritsch, writer
1924 - Peter Baer, artost/printmaker
1925 - Innokenti Smoktunovsky, actor (Bely Prazdnik, Zakoldovannye)
1926 - Francis Burt, composer
1926 - Polly Umrigar, cricketer (Indian batsman & captain)
1926 - Cayetana Fitz-James Stuart, 18th Duchess of Alba
1927 - Marianne Fredriksson, Swedish author (d. 2007)
1928 - Jose Luis de Delas, composer
1928 - Zbigniew Brzezinski, Warsaw, national security advisor (Carter)
1928 - Alexander Grothendieck, German mathematician
1929 - Aubrey J Watson Sr, bishop
1929 - Paul England, Australian racing driver
1930 - Amelia Rosselli, poet
1930 - George Bruce, painter
1930 - Robert Ashley, composer
1930 - Elizabeth Bainbridge, English opera singer
1932 - Sven Oskar Lindqvist, Swedish writer (Myten om Wu Tao-tzu)
1933 - Tete Montoliu, Catalonian jazz pianist (d. 1997)
1934 - Siegfried Thiele, composer
1935 - Michael Parkinson, English broadcaster
1936 - Mario Vargas Llosa, Peru, writer (Aunt Julia)/pres candidate
1940 - J Michael Plumb, Islip NY, equestrian (Oly-2 gold/4 silver-1976,84)
1940 - Kevin Loughery, NBA star/coach (Balt, Phila)
1940 - Tony Barber, Australian television personality
1941 - Alf Clausen, Minneapolis Mn, orch leader (Mary, Simpsons)
1941 - Charlie McCoy, Oak Hill WV, harmonica player (Hee Haw)
1941 - Jim Turner, American football player
1942 - Brian Jones, [Lewis B Hopkin], English pop guitarist (Rolling Stones)
1942 - Neil Kinnock, Wales, leader (Labour Party)
1942 - Neil Kinnock, leader of the British opposition (Labour)
1942 - Samuel Ramey, Colby Kansas, bass (La Scala)
1942 - Daniel Dennett, American philosopher
1942 - Conrad Schumann, East German border guard (d. 1998)
1943 - Conchata Ferrell, Charleston WV, actress (Deadly Hero, Susan-LA Law)
1943 - Mike Newell, director (Bad Blood, Awakening, Amazing Grace & Chuck)
1943 - Richard Eyre, British director (National Theatre)
1944 - Ken Howard, El Centro Calif, actor (Ken-White Shadow, Dynasty, 1776)
1944 - Rick Barry, ABA/NBA forward (NY Nets, Golden State Warriors)
1944 - Ken Howard, American actor
1945 - Chuck Portz, Santa Monica Ca, bassist (Turtles-Happy Together)
1945 - Hans Brunhart, leader of Liechtenstein (1978-93)
1945 - Count Björn Hamilton, Swedish politician
1946 - Richard Sussman, rocker
1946 - Alejandro Toledo, President of Peru
1946 - Wubbo Ockels, Dutch physicist and astronaut
1947 - Bruce Gilbert, producer (China Syndrome, 9 to 5, On Golden Pond)
1947 - John Landecker, American disk jockey
1948 - Dianne Wiest, KC MO, actress (Hannah & Her Sisters, Footloose)
1948 - John Evans, (Aka Evan) rock drummer (Jethro Tull)
1948 - Wubbo J Ockels, Almelo Netherlands, astronaut (STS 22)
1948 - Gerry House, American radio personality
1948 - Matthew Corbett, English retired actor
1949 - Milan Williams, US keyboardist (Commodores-Three Times a Lady)
1949 - Ronnie Ray Smith, 4 X 100m relay runner (Olympic-gold-1968)
1949 - Shafiq Ahmed, cricketer (Pakistani batsman during the 70's)
1951 - Karen Kain, Canadian ballerina
1951 - Matti Pellonpää, Finnish actor and musician (d. 1995)
1952 - Tony Brise, racing driver (d. 1975)
1953 - Nydia M Velazquez, (Rep-D-New York, 1993- )
1953 - Melchior Ndadaye, Burundian politician (d. 1993)
1954 - Morris Mason, American convicted rapist and murderer (d. 1985)
1955 - Reba McEntire, McAlester Ok, country singer (Can't Even Get the Blues)
1955 - John Alderdice, Northern Irish politician
1956 - Asoka De Silva, cricket leg-spinner (Sri Lanka in 10 Tests 1985-91)
1956 - Evelin Jahl, German DR, discus thrower (Olympic-2 gold-1976)
1956 - T A Sekar, Indian cricket pace-bowler (2 Tests 1982-83 little impact)
1956 - April Margera, Bam Margera's mother
1957 - Harvey Glance, Pheonix City Ala, 4x100m runner (Olympic-gold-1976)
1958 - Bart Wayne Conner, Morton Grove Ill, gymnist (Olympic-2 gold-1984)
1958 - Curt Hennig, American professional wrestler (d. 2003)
1959 - Petra Delhees, Jauch Switzertand, tennis star
1959 - Todd Curtis, actor (Capitol, Skip-Young & Restless)
1960 - Chris Barrie, British actor
1960 - José Maria Neves, Cape Verdeian politician
1960 - Éric-Emmanuel Schmitt, French author and dramatist
1961 - Byron Scott, NBA guard (Vancouver Grizzlies)
1962 - Ged Grimes, [Danny Wilson], rocker (Mary's Prayer)
1962 - Jure Franko, Slovenian skier
1962 - Terry Szopinski, American pro-wrestler
1963 - ME!!
1963 - Bernice King, daughter of Martin Luther King Jr
1963 - Therese Washtock, Vancouver BC, 3 day equestrian (Olympics-96)
1965 - Jeff Beukeboom, Ajax, NHL defenseman (NY Rangers)
1965 - Steve Bull, English footballer
1966 - Jason Garrett, NFL quarterback (Dallas Cowboys)
1966 - Nathalie Herreman, France, tennis star
1966 - Serge Djelloul, hockey defenseman (Team France 1998)
1967 - David Lang, NFL running back (Dallas Cowboys)
1967 - Ed[ward] Grose, Juneau Alaska, rower (Olympics-1996)
1967 - Shawn Boskie, Hawthorne Nevada, pitcher (California Angels)
1968 - Chad Biafore, hockey defenseman (Team Italy 1998)
1968 - Dennis Postlewait, Jacksonville NC, Nike golfer (1994 Wichita Open)
1968 - Max Perlich, actor (JH Brodie-Homicide)
1968 - Nasser Hussain, cricketer (Essex & England batsman)
1968 - Teee Williams, LA Calif, volleyball outside hitter (Oly-bronze-92, 96)
1968 - Iris Chang, American author (d. 2004)
1968 - Jon Lee, British drummer (d. 2002)
1968 - Tim Lovejoy, British television presenter
1969 - Craig Paquette, Long Beach CA, infielder (KC Royals)
1969 - Earnest Stewart, soccer player (Willem II)
1969 - Elliot Perry, NBA guard (Phoenix Suns, Milwaukee Bucks)
1969 - Salt, rocker (Salt 'n' Pepa-Shake Ya Thang)
1969 - Scottie Graham, NFL running back (Minn Vikings, Cincinnati Bengals)
1969 - Brett Ratner, American film director
1969 - Rodney Atkins, American country music singer-songwriter
1970 - James Johnson, NFL/WLAF running back (Tampa Bucs, Frankfurt Galaxy)
1970 - Jason B Gailes, Taunton Mass, rower (Olympics-silver-1996)
1970 - Shawn Price, NFL defensive end (GB Packers, Car Panthers, Buf Bills)
1970 - Vince Vaughn, American actor
1970 - Michelle Gildernew, Irish republican politician
1971 - Damien Marsh, Georgia, Australian 100m/200m swimmer (Olympics-96)
1971 - Wesley Person, NBA guard (Phoenix Suns, Cleveland Cavaliers)
1972 - Derek West, offensive tackle (Indianapolis Colts)
1972 - Jonathan Edwards, Boston Mass, doubles luger (Olympics-1994)
1972 - Keith Tkachuk, Melrose MA, NHL left wing (Winnipeg Jets, Phoenix, USA)
1972 - Michael Smith, NBA forward (Sacramento Kings)
1972 - Mike Morton, linebacker (Oakland Raiders)
1972 - Shannon Mitchell, NFL tight end (SD Chargers)
1972 - Nick Frost, English comedian and actor
1973 - Andrew Whittall, cricketer (cousin of Guy Zimbabwe off-spinner 1996)
1973 - Eddie Fatu, Samoan professional wrestler
1974 - K C Jones, NFL center (Denver Broncos-Superbowl 32)
1974 - Mark King, English snooker player
1974 - Scott Mills, British radio disc jockey
1975 - Atta-ur-Rehman, cricketer (Pakistani quickie, debut v Engl1992 age 17)
1975 - Shanna Moakler, former beauty queen
1975 - Iván Helguera, Spanish footballer
1975 - Richard Kelly, American film director
1975 - Derek Hill, American racing driver
1976 - David Keuning, American guitar player (The Killers)
1977 - Angelo Garcia, Brooklyn NY, singer (Menudo-Cannonball)
1977 - Lauren Weisberger, American novelist
1978 - Nafisa Joseph, Miss India Universe (1997)
1979 - Juli Keech, Miss South Dakota Teen USA (1997)
1979 - Park Chae-rim, South Korean actress
1980 - Cara Lewis, Miss Mississippi Teen USA (1997)
1980 - Stiliani Pilatou, Greek long jumper
1980 - Luke Walton, American basketball player
1981 - Julia Stiles, American actress
1981 - Gareth David-Lloyd, Welsh Actor
1981 - Edwar Ramirez, American baseball player
1981 - Lindsay Frimodt, American model
1982 - Sonia Agarwal, Indian actress
1983 - Ryan Ashington, English footballer
1984 - Christopher Samba, French-born footballer
1984 - Yordanos Abay, Ethiopian footballer
1984 - Nikki Sanderson, British actress and model
1986 - J-Kwon, American rapper
1986 - Barbora Strýcová, Czech tennis player
1988 - Lacey Turner, British soap actress
1989 - Marek Suchý, Czech footballer
1989 - Mira Leung, Canadian figure skater
1989 - Afrikan Boy, a Nigerian rapper
1989 - Lukas Jutkiewicz, English footballer
1991 - Amy Bruckner, American actress

Defiled!

2009-03-13T10:35:00.005Z

This week some nasty piece of work snuck into my email account, stole all the names from my contacts list and sent them all an email pretending to be me. It also linked to some shopping site and most people, knowing me, thought it was a joke and opened it!

Now what?

I wish I knew! I hope it doesn't lay dormant in these other computers then all of a sudden steal all the names from their contacts and email them fraudulently.

I wrote to the supplier of my anti virus and they emailed me back full of concern; "We're sorry to hear your PC has been infected with a Virus. Although, ** ***** is a premium service, we cannot guarantee that it will protect you from all viruses on the Internet."

The email was called New Shopping and if you get one don't open it! I know this is a bit late for the people who already did and for that I am very sorry!

On a lighter note:

The "Word" at Church

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise
for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I
have Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck
and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the
doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp
from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom
must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors
performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece
together the Crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to
hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and
squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on
Tom. "Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out
of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should
recover completely." All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and
tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and
walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom." The entire congregation
held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

Stuff!

2009-03-05T16:20:00.002Z

I've just been sorting out the food for dinner, we are having pork chops. I bought some green beans to go with them and was tipping them in the pan when I noticed on the bag it said 'wash before use'. Well I had a bath about an hour before do you think this will suffice?

On another topic completely I went to the barbers today (my barber is great, he doesn't talk to anyone but just grunts!) and noticed a bottle of liquid on the side. This bottle was oddly labeled Barbercide! Is this what he has to drink if he fucks up your haircut?

Caroline Smailes (THE interview)

2009-03-01T13:15:00.001Z

Caroline Smailes is a busy lady; mother of three, novelist (Black Boxes is now available in paperback), blogger and part of the brains behind BubbleCow. Never-the-less I managed to take time out of my hectic schedule to interview her and ask some of the questions other interviewers have been afraid to ask.

We were going to sit down to tea and cakes but Caroline had eaten them all. I sipped on my tea and asked these pertinent questions:

Caroline, do you think blonde's have more fun?
C: Oh my, young man! Are you suggesting that all people with blonde hair are slappers?

I understand you are against the over use of exclamation marks in writing!! I have trouble with my colon! How do you feel about colon usage?
C: I would have to inspect your colon usage to answer that question fully.

Does it make more sense to leave the heating on all day on a moderate heat or have it on a timer?
C: Would drinking whisky make these questions easier to answer?

I understand you have a vendetta against the Mr Men, which one do you hate the most?
C: Mr Tickle. His arms scare me and his hat is ridiculously small.

Is any particular font important to you or do you just use the nearest church?
C: I use the nearest church.

Why don't you own a tortoise?
C: Because I haven't stolen yours, yet.

I understand you have issues with Simon Cowell. Your name just happens to be an anagram of: E, I sell Simon a car! Did he rip you off, is that why you stalk him?
C: Simon loves me, you're just jealous because he doesn't love you. Although, your anagram skills are strangely enticing...

One year at Christmas I wanted the board game Escape from Colditz Castle , there were two versions of the game and I got the wrong one. This has affected me all my life, has your life ever been adversely affected by a board game?
C: I was once became a little bit obsessed with the top hat in Monopoly.

I don't want to harp on about punctuation but, the full stop. Do you think it's important to drive with the hand-brake on or off?
C: I am seriously starting to dislike you. I may even ban you from reading my blog!

Do you or any of you friends happen to know Louis Walsh?
C: Alas no, but I worry about Louis in the middle of the night. It must be damaging to always play Robin to Simon's Batman.

So, there you have it everything you never wanted to know about Mrs Smailes. By the way her book is on a 3 for 2 in Waterstones!

The day the doctor punched me!

2009-02-25T10:37:00.002Z

I have a history of skin cancer and over the last decade I've had several lumps of my face removed. When I noticed another patch of skin on my face a couple of months ago I was convinced it was back. My GP agreed with me and arranged for me to visit the Dermatologist. I went today.

I'd never been to this clinic before previously using the one out of town where; they looked it my face, didn't like what they saw then proceeded to cut out chunks. Not here!

The young doctor wasn't convinced even though I told her that it was the same as the previous ones (I had a history here) though reluctantly agreed to get a second opinion. She told me there was a long waiting list and they shouldn't operate if there was nothing wrong with me. I understand and agree with this but if the previous doctors had thought the same I'd probably be dead by now. Her colleague suggested I have a biopsy which was fine, at least I find out one way or the other but she could have done that of her own back couldn't she? Does she have to pay for the procedure? Is it any skin off her nose?

The doctor doing the biopsy was very nice and even offered to show me the instruments he was going to use. Erm, no thank you! He also told me that the wound was oozing quite a bit but that was because I had a good blood flow being so YOUNG! Nice man. That was after he punched me with the biopsy punch.

Cinema

2009-02-20T14:29:00.003Z

I went to the cinema yesterday, it wasn't just me mind I had a small boy in tow. We saw the 11.30 showing of Bolt which I thought was in 3D but it wasn't or maybe I just never picked up the glasses. Anyway the cinema wasn't exactly full even though the girl on the till made out it was. We were all crammed into a small area in the middle of the cinema and all the outside seats were empty. This might have been OK if my small charge had sat still for 30 seconds and if the boy sat on the other side of me hadn't smelt like yeast. The yeast smell wasn't a big issue to start with but the air-con wasn't on and as the movie progressed with the people in close proximity it got warmer and warmer and so did the smell.

So, it got hotter and smellier and someone got fidgetier!

Now at the start of the movie I was told to turn off my phone, I presume so as not to annoy anyone. But as soon as the movie started half the cinema took out a crinkly packet of whatever and a straw that's only aim in life was to suck at the tiny bit of liquid at the bottom of their cup. Not annoying at all!

We spent £15 to be in a hot, smelly, uncomfortable and noisy environment to watch the movie. No wonder there are so many pirate copies about! The little man enjoyed it though so I guess that's all that counts?

On an unrelated topic; has anyone any idea why the 'm' key on my keyboard is disappearing?

Oi! Smailesy!

2009-02-18T13:57:00.002Z

GIVE ME THE PRIZES OR THE BOOK GETS IT!!

Boy (#3 son) and book were found in Waterstones in Portsmouth if you want the books back on display you better pay up pronto Mrs Smailes!

Ha,ha ha and more manic laughter!

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008 !!

2009-02-18T09:06:00.001Z

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008 !!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well... I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand"

Lost!

2009-02-12T16:33:00.002Z

January was pretty damn hectic in our household and February doesn't seem so be slowing down much either. I'm about halfway through my second novel but finding time to write anything at the moment is a bit of a struggle. With help from DJ I'm putting aside an hour every (nearly every) night to get some words on paper. The only problem is that there is so much going on inside my little brain I can't seem to concentrate for long. I also keep having a recurring dream about a seagull in my bedroom!

So, to help me remember things that I think of during the day that may help my writing in the evening I have taken to writing myself notes. I did this today. It was relevant, funny and a pivotal part of the story. Well it would have been if I hadn't fucking lost it!

There was something about Doris and the roses but I don't remember! And why can't I stop thinking there has something to do with a huge pecky seagull? Arrrgh!

If you find it please send it on to me, there may be a reward!

Voted the best Austrailian joke of 2008

2009-02-06T17:51:00.001Z

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her..

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?'

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!'

Four from the bottom!

2009-02-04T14:41:00.002Z

Now I've been tagged by Tom Foolery to do something that was a bit difficult for me. Firstly because I had to follow instructions (like that's going to happen) then I had to dig out my fourth photo album. Like I've got photo albums 1-3? I don't take the photos mainly because I'm inept and I can't work the camera. Why do they make it so difficult? I just want to point it and press the button but by the time you sort out all the settings it's bloody dark and everyone's gone home. So rather than let her down my trusty mobile phone came to the rescue. I now and again take the odd picture on my phone and after my boys bought me a gadget for Christmas I can load them onto my computer. Now we had two choices she could have one 4 from the top of the list which was a picture from the window of the toilet at work. Not as bad as you may think, a view of the Guildhall and the train station but I plumped for the one 4 from the bottom which I took from the car as I was waiting to go into the dump!
Electricity from the landfill methane? No shit!

Am I Santa?

2009-02-03T15:36:00.002Z

I usually get a bit peckish on delivery but have found this week a bit of a revelation. Kids all around my delivery have been putting food out for me to help me get round in this freezing cold weather. They all seem very health conscious which isn't really a problem to me but a bit of variety might be nice. Why do they all leave me carrots? They go to a lot of trouble rolling a mixture of snow, grass, earth and dog shit into a ball shape then put a smaller one on top. This is where they kindly display the carrot. One smart arse left me liquorice, which I'm quite partial to, but it didn't half taste like coal!

So; thanks to all the kids out there looking out for my welfare but next time it snows try leaving a pasty!

PS. TF I haven't forgotten.

Prologue

2009-01-30T13:09:00.003Z

For those of you who didn't get to hear it on the radio or my version at the book launch of if you just fancy another listen here is the prologue of motorbikes, ducks and crispy sweet apples read by Simon Gibbons.

Back up plan?

2009-01-29T10:07:00.003Z

I wasn't going to read my prologue on Monday night, I had something else prepared. Fortunately, though unfortunately for the storytelling, it had a happy ending so I shelved it. I thought maybe I could share it with you on here instead. It is a bit long, sorry!
An eternity ago, or so it seems now, I had an idea for a book. It had a beginning, a middle and (though some people may disagree here) an end. This I imagine, if you are that way inclined is a good basis on which to write a book. Me though, I had obviously read books and enjoyed reading but writing one? I didn’t know where to start; I hadn’t exactly excelled at school unless acting the fool and setting light to farts constitutes a success? So the book idea was shelved in the darker recesses of my mind until one day on a whim I decided to give it a go. I was living on my own at this time and had plenty of free time to devote to writing and the whole thing seemed to flow quite naturally. That is until I got to about 100 pages when I printed it off then sat down and read it. It was shit! I’d spent all that time writing 100 pages of shit! But even though there were 100 pages of shit it was my shit so I put it in a binder and tucked it in a drawer.
It didn’t see the light of day again until I met DJ and somehow, obviously the worse for wear with drink I took it out, dusted it off and showed it to her. Somewhere around that time too I let her read the book. She liked it, really liked it and wanted me to write some more. She also gave me a few writing tips e.g.: sentences should be less than 300 words, punctuation plays an important part in writing and using the spell-checker will help to make words legible and in turn of some sense to the plot. I took these words of wisdom on board and after sulking for a while, she was criticising my shit after all, I changed the sentences into paragraphs, inundated the story with exclamation marks and altered the spell-checker to add all my words to the dictionary. Then, then I ripped it up and started again.
I was happy with the story but the way I was telling it was all wrong so I re-wrote it differently and even changed the names of the characters. Like that was going to help! It didn’t. I’d got to page 100 again and it was still wrong so back it went in the binder and in the drawer. DJ kept trying to get me to persevere with it but I wasn’t having any of it and fobbed her off with excuses like; “I’m having so much trouble conjugating my verbs.” And “I’m struggling with my possessive apostrophe.” This only kept her sweet for a little while probably when she realised I had no idea what a noun or an apostrophe was never mind conjugating them possessively! She came up with a bright idea that I should start a blog and post a chapter a week, this would get me working on it again and keep me disciplined having to write a chapter a week. I was getting regular readers and positive vibes but my heart wasn’t in it and my chapters were getting smaller; “A chapter has to be longer than a sentence yano?” How things had changed! Anyway when I got to around page 100, you got it; in the binder in the drawer.
It was shortly after this I had an epiphany; I was going to add a gag here but there is epiphany humour in the book and you might buy it and you can get too much of a good thing. Sorry I digress, I had worked out how to proceed with the story and started writing again. This time I was sure it was going well and when I got to page 100 and sailed past I knew so I knuckled down and finished it. I gave it to DJ and she loved it but then what the hell did I do with it. Nothing was the answer to that and the reason why it was the answer was that only one person had read it and even if that person may be slightly biased and embarrassed when she made me cry it made my book a 100% success.
I didn’t exactly do nothing with it though; DJ’s mom had come to visit and to get on her good side I agreed she could read it. She made some encouraging grunts, which in hindsight might have been wind and I took to be another positive. 2 out of 2 still 100% success! Then I had a bit of a set-back. A couple of people who knew I’d written the book had asked to read it and fuelled by the euphoria of my recent successes I agreed. Then I heard nothing back from them. So I waited and waited and waited... Now because they hadn’t said anything negative I was still 100% right? Right! But why, if they were so keen to read it they must have read it, didn’t they say what they thought of it? Perhaps they didn’t like it? An important saying of mine “if you don’t want to know the answers don’t ask the question” came into play here so I kept quiet and festered.
It was about now that DJ had found out about an initiative from You Write On, Legend Press and The Arts Council to publish 5000 books by Christmas. The deal was; if you fulfilled their criteria and got the required information to them by October 31st then they would publish your book for free in time for Christmas. I keep saying in time for Christmas because this was how the whole thing was sold to us, us being everyone who entered the scheme, but not how it was tucked away in small print on the contract, I’ll come back to this later. They also had a second option where they would publish it the same as before but for a small fee would furnish the book with an ISBN number so it could be sold in the book market place.
DJ already had her memoir written and had decided to submit that to them and then started to try and convince me to do the same with mine. I wasn’t convinced, two people who had wanted to read it either hadn’t or didn’t like it so why the hell would anyone else want to read it? Then my true colours started to emerge; a free book by Christmas, DJ wanted the book so all I had to do was sign it wrap it and there you go Christmas sorted.
Now I have made the whole process sound easy but in fact it wasn’t and it was bloody stressful so much so that a few times the damn book nearly got launched out of the window inside the computer instead of being submitted. The text had to be formatted in a specific way with borders and troughs and some other bloody stuff I’d never heard of. Then they wanted the pages numbered on certain pages with the numbers starting on the first even page then they changed their minds and wanted it on the first odd page. If I had any hair I’d have pulled it out by now and I hadn’t even started on the cover. Now with the cover they had said if I wanted to produce my own cover this was fine or they would do one for me, eventually I decided to choose my own. Perhaps not the best option when I had no idea what a dpi was and they wanted 300 of the damn things! This is when our knight in shining armour turned up.
Anthony is publishing DJ’s fiction novel and was interested in how we were getting on with the YWO project having made it known from the outset that he was sceptical about the whole thing as in; 5000 books by Christmas, PAH! He came to our rescue by formatting the text and putting the words on the correctly sized covers. I didn’t exactly know how important the cover was to me until I got one I didn’t like and had to ask him to re-do it. The whole time he was doing this for us he was not in the best of health so we were very grateful to him for what he did. Another thing I am grateful to him for was when he formatted the pages he had to have the manuscript and while he had it he read it. He emailed me and said a few things but the upshot of it was he thought the story was good, liked it and thought I should buy an ISBN and promote it because other people would buy it and enjoy it.
So just to recap; I had written a book, five people had seen the book and out of those who expressed a preference 100% had given it the thumbs up and before the 30th October 2008 I had formatted as required and sent it in with a front and back cover. I knew it was all OK because I’d had an email confirming as much. Or was it!
Now, how soon before Christmas was ‘in time’ for Christmas? We weren’t exactly sure but by early December we were starting to get worried, DJ because I’d convinced her to have a double book launch or maybe it was the other way around and me because what the hell was I going to do for her Christmas present now? We weren’t the only people worried, YWO had a forum where people were asking awkward questions like; where is my book and will it be ready by Christmas as you promised. YWO kept saying not to worry and everything would be fine and as if to prove the fact a few books started to appear. Not enough though to satisfy the 4000 odd people still waiting and the forum started getting a bit nasty with YWO eventually pointing people to a clause in the contract which said that books wouldn’t be guaranteed by Christmas. When this inflamed the sub 5000 more they shut down the forum ‘until after Christmas’ it still isn’t up and running.
I didn’t have my book by Christmas, I didn’t have it by the New Year and on the 15th January, mainly due to DJ’s persistence I got an email saying they had bumped my book up the queue and they would try their best to get it to me in time for the launch. Now I don’t mind they didn’t do the book in time, it was a large project unlike anything they had undertaken before. What I did mind was they mislead us and when they knew they weren’t going to be able to fulfil their side of the bargain why didn’t they hold up their hand and say “my bad!” instead of quoting the contract and being heavy handed by shutting down the forum?
The books arrived on Wednesday 21st January and luckily I was home to take them in and here they are. I’m really not sure what we would have done without them?

Book Launch

2009-01-27T10:16:00.002Z

I'd like to thank all the people who came to the book launch last night. Everybody was so kind to us and made it an enjoyable night to remember.

THANK YOU!

Self Promotion-ish

2009-01-25T11:25:00.004Z

For those of you who are observant you will have noticed that I have put a link on the side bar to Amazon where my book is for sale. Well it is for sale but at the moment unavailable. It appears to be available at The Book Depository though they do say it was first published in 1970 which did come as a bit of a shock! I notified them of their error and they seem happy to ignore me.

Anyway I'm in the process of getting ready for the launch tomorrow night. I've noted all the emergency exits for a speedy getaway and found a couple of great hiding places. So to those of you coming tomorrow I'm looking forward to seeing you there, that is if you can find me.

I've selected a few words at random from my speech just as a small taster; buy My book it's Good!

Mixed bag sort of day.

2009-01-21T13:52:00.002Z

The day started well as my book was delivered at 7:45 this morning. It nearly wasn't as I didn't hear the door knock but was lucky enough to see the card the courier had left on the mat and chase him up the street. Chase him barefoot, kicking rubbish everywhere (it's bin day!) and blocking his departure until he handed over the box. So now I have the book in time for the launch on Monday. You can't buy it anywhere yet, that is unless you buy it from me and I've got a front room full of them!

It went a bit sour after that as I had a trip to the doctors. I've been referred to dermatology again and it's looking more likely that they are going to cut more chunks off my face. People make sure you wear your hats and sunscreen!

Then as lunch was approaching I was off to do something I wasn't looking forward too. Something I'd regretted agreeing to do ever since, in a moment of madness I agreed to do. I was being interviewed on local radio. Conversation is not really my strong point and talking about myself would come a close second. The interviewer hadn't arrived at the agreed time so I gave him 30 seconds grace and then I was going home, damn if he didn't get there with 2 seconds to spare. So I did it, I sweated and grunted my way through 60 minutes of torture. I got bitten by a dog at work yesterday and I'm not sure what was more painful. I think it fair to say I will not be listening when they air it on Tuesday night.

That is far too much excitement for one day. I wonder if, when I pick #3 son up from school in a minute, I could convince him that we should lay down and have a nap? Probably not!

Update?

2009-01-18T12:28:00.004Z

I got an email from my publisher; "...the 'proof' is out at the printers, which doesn't mean its through the woods yet, but at the last stage towards being available to the print by the printers. Will keep you posted, and hope a back up plan will not be needed..."

Seven days left and counting!!

I just had to share this...

2009-01-16T14:41:00.000Z

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.

Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already. After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'Ok how much this time ?'
Boy - '£350'

Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.' The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - 'To a friend of mine for a £600.'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing overcharging your friend like that.
'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'.
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my f...ing cupboard now'!!

Reasons to be cheerful part 3

2009-01-14T13:02:00.003Z

I got an email from my publisher today. Hark at me getting all Gwyneth Paltrow "I got an email from my publisher..." and my agent called this morning, well the Betterware lady put a catalogue through and that amounts to the same thing I think. Anyway back to my publisher; he says the book has gone to the printers and he's pulling out all the stops to get it to me in time for the book launch. He also suggested that I have a back up plan in case it doesn't. Back up plan? My book was my back up plan! Anyway I've had the day off and have been working on a back up plan so as not to disappoint anyone.

Has anyone seen my suitcase?

Reasons to be cheerful part 2

2009-01-07T14:46:00.002Z

Still no book and not a sniff on the horizon (not really been one for sniffing the horizon but have a cold and seem to be constantly sniffing at the moment). But, another review, this one from the nice people at Bluecrome Publishing on their Bluecrome Reveiw Blog. Click on the link if you want to read nice things about the book like; "It is of Christopher I King's debut novel 'motorbikes, ducks and crispy sweet apples', which is really rather proper good."

I'd like to thank Bluecrome for reading the book and writing the review, thanks!

I'm just sitting here for a while until my head stops swelling and I can leave the room.

Reasons to be cheerful?

2008-12-31T17:50:00.003Z

I was supposed to have my book in the shops in mid-December, then I was promised it would be before Christmas then after Christmas and now it's going to be out in early January. I am confident that my book will be published but I am not sure when!

Anyway on a brighter note; Joe Stein author of Another Mans World and Calm Fire, Calm Rage has reviewed the "soon"-to-be-published book. I'd like to thank Joe for taking the time and effort to do the review and I'd also like to share it with you.

motorbikes, ducks and crispy sweet apples

Christopher I King’s debut novel is quirky, interesting and eminently readable.

The prologue to the story of Jimmy Gallagher grabs hold of you and it threatens to be a white knuckle paced ride.
And then the author backtracks.
And you realise that this is not so much a thriller in the conventional term, but more a story about a character, a man caught up in a situation partly of his own making, but mainly out of his control and as we learn what has brought him to this position, an odd thing happens, something which is rare in thriller-land. We start to care what happens to this man. Jimmy is us. Maybe doing things we wouldn’t do, but he could be anyone of us. A basically decent guy, trying to do his best and checked at many, if not all turns, by fate, human nature and the vagaries of life.
And sometimes he wins, as in the quick thinking comment to shut up the cab driver on the way to Gatwick airport, and sometimes he loses (witness the ‘one sock’ episode). Just like we do.
It’s rare to find really likeable characters in modern thriller fiction, mostly they are flawed heroes, or people with a manufactured ‘past’. Where ‘Motorbikes, Ducks and Crispy Sweet Apples’ scores, is in having an ‘everyman’ hero, struggling with the day to day living as we all do and being both instantly recognisable and likeable at the same time. And when the living turns out to be not so day to day, when the situation starts to spiral out of control, the character retains his credibility, he still tries to do the right thing.
That and King’s excellent recognition of the absurdities of life, make this a trip to the States to remember for the reader as well as for Jimmy Gallagher. I was genuinely caught up with the character and the story. King has an ear for dialogue and the rare ability to see and transcribe the idiocies of general living that we all know and try to avoid mentioning, even, or especially, when we’re caught out by them.
The comic elements are clear and at times laugh out loud, but in many ways this is a serious story as well, with characters who are lonely and sometimes desperate. And there is nothing funny about the final situation.
A welcome new voice, then, and more importantly, a different and distinctive one.
And yes, Mr. King, I do want to know what happens next!

Joe Stein

Note: This review refers to a pre-publication electronic version of the book.

Personalised?

2008-12-17T16:09:00.002Z

I saw a car for sale today, a Toyota Rav4, it was green. I stopped to read the notice in the window as was my want. It read something like;

FOR SALE
TAXED FOR 6 MONTHS
MOT FOR 12 MONTHS
CD PLAYER

£2249 ono

INCLUDES PERSONALISED NUMBER PLATE

I had a quick look at the number plate; YFJ 1209.

Now it seems to me that someone might want to by a Rav4 and that someone might quite fancy a green one with a CD player but what the hell are the chances she's called Yvonne Francis Jeffers and was born on the twelfth of September?

Obsessed?

2008-12-14T18:38:00.005Z

Tom Foolery wanted me to list five of my obsesions and a bunch of other things. Well I did the easy part and the rest? Hey, she didn't even expect me to get that far!

I'm obsessed by breaking rules which is why I didn't follow any for this meme (whatever the hell that means!).
Crack cocaine, I try to stop. God help me I try!
Poking lentils, I'm obsessed with keeping my finger on the pulse.
Calvin Klein, his fragrance is an obsession of mine
My collection of hammers, two more and I think I've nailed it!

Now I'm obsessing about the gap between number 4 and 5 which I can't make go away! Six obsessions! When I break the rules I break the rules!!

Madness?

2008-12-11T15:40:00.002Z

There is a new sign on the wall in our toilet at work which reads:

ALL HAND TOWELS HAVE BEEN REMOVED DUE TO MISUSE.

Can anyone enlighten me on how you misuse a hand towel? By using it on your face maybe?

I hope to hell no-one starts misusing the toilet paper!

The 'C' Word!

2008-12-09T09:30:00.001Z

How to tell that it's Christmas;

Semi-inflated Santa's clinging to pitched roofs?
A colourfully illuminated bush?
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire?
Jack Frost nipping at your toes?
Half price Halloween costumes?
Copious amounts of vomit on the pavement?
No snow?
Youngsters are allowed to talk to strangers dressed up as someone else who is going to visit them in their bedroom when their parents are asleep?
Fairy light envy?
Unhealthy overdraft?

Unfortunately it's none of the above but you can actually tell when it's Christmas when every other advert on TV is a surreal perfume ad!!

Book Movie.

2008-12-07T08:57:00.006Z

My book is due out in the next couple of weeks but here is a sneak preview that was made for me by Jamieson Wolf.

Thanks Jamieson!

NB: There seems to be a problem with my comment box. If you wish to comment please use the comment box on my previous post.

Brucie Bonus?

2008-12-04T18:45:00.002Z

I'm making a list,
Checking it twice,
Goin' to find out'
What's naughty, whats nice?

Yep, the cupboards are bare and it's down to Morrisons tomorrow.

Recent Keyword Activity!

2008-11-23T19:17:00.002Z

Recent Keyword Activity!

Black woman face with bull superimposed.
Sex after seventy.
Hole in the bed by mister completely.
Liver blunt spoon.

I had no idea my posts were so interesting!

I saw some great graffiti today on an advert selling a golf bag and clubs it went something like; Golf bag and clubs for sale, would suit beginner, includes driver, putter and sand wedge. Someone had tagged on the end (think it's cheese and onion). Made me chuckle anyway!

Re-cycle!

2008-11-20T15:45:00.002Z

On the way to pick up #3 son from school I decided to empty our box full of jars and bottles in the garden and take them for recycling. I wanted to empty the box and was rather over zealous with the amount I crammed into the large carrier bag. Never-the-less I picked up the bag, grabbed his scooter and left the house. It was about halfway across the zebra crossing that the handle on the bag started to break! Managing to get to the other side of the road without smashing anything I had to sling the scooter over my shoulder and carry the bag in two arms as if I was carrying a baby. This is when I noticed that there was a small hole in the bag. A small hole that all the excess liquid from the bottles was using as an escape hatch, the escape hatch that was now next to my sweatshirt.

To try and distract myself from impending disaster I looked in the shop windows as I hurried past and was amazed to see some of their great offers.

In the greengrocers they were now selling 'eating' plums. Now I much prefer 'eating' plums to the ones you bring home, leave in the fruit bowl for show then throw out before they get rotten.

In the clothes store they were selling 'ladies' tights. Now is it just me or is there any other kind? Surely men who wear tights wear 'ladies' tights don't they?

In the hairdressers they had a 'walk in service, no appointment always required'. Now call me old fashioned but when I have a haircut (I did today as it happens) I always walk inside for a haircut. I don't really see much of an alternative unless I got someone to scalp me and sent the top of my skull in by special delivery.

My brain was wandering now but not to far to notice my chest was getting cold and wet and when I finally got to the bottle bank I had a lovely stain up my front. A lovely stain that smelt like the old boy sat on the steps outside the library begging for 'a couple of quid mister'.

I decide when I get to school that I'm going to stand as far away from everyone as possible so no-one can smell me.

WRONG!

The gate into the school hadn't been unlocked and I found myself in the middle of a load of mums sniffing and pointing. There was really no point in protesting my innocence as I have now been tarred with some old alcoholics brush so tomorrow before the school run I'm having a pint of ale with a whisky chaser!

Oddfellows

2008-11-17T16:10:00.003Z

I think I'm a magnet for some of the stranger members of our society, either that or it's the uniform. The uniform probably does have something to do with it because 'Joe Public' thinks if they spend a few pence on a stamp they own my soul. Its obvious from the fact they don't know me but still have a pet name for me like 'Postie' or 'Pat' or if I don't deliver their Giro 'Useless Cocksucker'.

Today a young lad (late teens?) walked up to me and asked me where the nearest post box was. Now it being my first day on the delivery and having not got my bearings yet I had no idea and told this to you young lad. He looked at me like I was an idiot but said nothing then he turned on his heels and ran away from me until he got to the end of the street where he stopped and carried on walking as if nothing had happened.

This was definitely odd behaviour, well it was to me but not as odd as the elderly gentleman who stopped to talk to me as I was entering my house. By the time I get to my front door I like to think I'm safe but not today. I was chaining up my bicycle when the old boy walked up to me and started to fondle my saddle. Not a normal occurrence but hey, each to their own! I have a gel saddle apparently (he seemed to be some kind of expert) it was a spare one DJ had in the shed (no I don't know why she had a spare saddle either) and I put it on when mine split. This is when the old boy started telling me that he'd been looking at all different sorts of saddles because he was worried that the one on his bike was too hard and was damaging the tube that ran from the end of his penis.

Now he'd need to spend more than a first class stamp to keep me there listening to that so I left him admiring my saddle hoping he'd be gone before I had to do the school run!

Ivana is back!

2008-11-12T19:37:00.003Z

PRESS RELEASE:

Ivana Chopski was notified today that her erotic short story 'WHACK!' will be published in a book coming out next month.

More details soon on this blog!

Book launch

2008-11-09T10:26:00.004Z

We are having a book launch!

There will be:

Books
Drink.
Books
Music.
Books.
A short talk from a very nice lady.
Books.
A bit of reading from another very nice lady.
Books.

OK, you get the picture and you can get the full (proper) details from DJ's blog post or there are details on my sidebar that I put up prematurely, earlier this week.

There are two reasons behind this book launch, one is obviously to sell some books the other is an opportunity to raise some money for charity. (All the profits from the evening will go to charity.) We have a target which we would love to achieve.

Now, those of you who actually know me will know that I'm a miserable fucker. No sorry that was kind of a harsh word to use! Try again; those of you who know me will know I'm an unsociable fucker and these sort of events to me are akin to cutting out my liver with a blunt spoon. But, but (deep breath) for this occasion, to support DJ and the very worthwhile charities I am going to get fully behind it. Shit, where did I put my asthma inhaler?!

So, to show my commitment to putting bums on seats this is what I intend to do. Isn't it hard typing with sweaty palms? We are taking payment in advance for the tickets if or when we reach the allotted target for the charity donation I will get up and read the prologue to my book. If we don't there will be an awkward 10 minute silence!

Due to limited computer knowledge I've managed to put up a dodgy target monitor thingy in the sidebar to show our progress.

So............... in Big Brother speak "Who reads? You decide!"

Candid Camera?

2008-11-06T10:39:00.002Z

It's been an odd week this week and I'm quite glad that I have a day off today.

Ever since I changed offices to move nearer home I've had to move back down the rung of the ladder by about 10 years and instead of having a fixed duty I do a different job every week. I don't mind really but it does mean some weeks are much better than others.

This week I'm working in an area that has quite an eclectic mix of people; from 'slum' flats to huge mansions and from an old peoples home to a lap dancing club. There is a main road that seems to divide the area in two though oddly the old peoples home is on the side of the 'slum' flats and the lap dancing club is on the side of the mansions. I'm not sure if there is some hidden or not so hidden message there.

It may be more enjoyable to work on the mansion side of the road (no dog shit, vomit or rotting 3 piece suites to avoid on the pavement) but it's not necessarily easier. The huger the house, and some of these are the size of a small fort, the smaller the letterbox. Some of these houses can only have mail if it is written on a postage stamp that can be folded up half a dozen times then stood on for half an hour. The flat side of the road has no such problem as most of the doors have been kicked in and the letterboxes are subsequently redundant. All I need to do is push open the door and drop the mail in the hall trying to avoid the puddle of urine and leftover take away cartons.

This week I seem to be a magnet for the stranger element! I already mentioned my experience on Monday but I've had two others since then, one from each side of the street.

On the flat side: I was happily going about my business and had just stopped to give a motorist directions to somewhere that was miles away (he's probably still looking!) when I heard a little voice calling me. I turned around to find the voice coming from a genderless person. I don't wish to offend anyone but this person could have been either male or female and the voice didn't help. I don't think they were speaking an English dialect I knew but I'm sure they were sucking a sugar lump because every time they paused for a breath they said "Sweet!". I think the gist of what they were saying between texting someone on a very expensive looking phone was they wanted their giro because they had to go to the job centre and if it hadn't come they would have to go back again. I wasn't exactly sure that was right as my attention was wandering a bit as I looked at the numerous piercings on their face.

"Could you look for it?"
"No!"
"Why?"
"I'm not allowed to hand out mail in the street I could be handing it out to anyone. It has to be thrown on the floor between the puddle of piss and the curry container!"
"Sweet!"
"But I'll have to come back!"

My heart pumps purple piss for you I'm afraid.

Listen, I wouldn't have handed over a giro to anyone in the street. Being they were the second cousins to a forth generation of circus freaks had nothing to do with it. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I was working my arse off while they sat on their arse all day texting on a phone much better than mine and could afford more earrings than Paris Hilton.

Anyway I digress, to encourage me to get to their flat quicker they stood at the end of the road staring at me and looking at their watch. That was going to work. Not! When I eventually got to their flat (I was sure they had to be somewhere?) they didn't have any mail! Sweet!

Mansion side: This was a touch of deja vu and I'd been there before.

A Middle Eastern looking gentleman was walking towards me brandishing a card and wanting to know where his parcel was. Well I assume that's what he was saying because his English wasn't very good though it was a touch better than my Arabic which consists of asking how his fasting is going and telling him his eyes resemble a penis! Not a great deal of help there so I'm left with the fallback solution, talk slowly and loudly while pointing a lot. That didn't seem to work either and he started pointing and shouting though his voice seemed to get quicker. He obviously didn't know the subtleties of talking to foreigners!

We were getting nowhere so I, using my usual amount of tact started walking off. He followed! This went on for ages until I got to my bike which I promptly mounted and rode off leaving him by the side of the road waving his card like a handkerchief to the passenger of an ocean bound liner.

To take the edge off the day I thought it would be a good idea to stop in at the lap dancing club (don't tell DJ) and that was the end of it for me. There was no Pole dancer! There were Estonians, Croatians and Russians but no Poles!

My am I looking forward to work tomorrow?

Lighten up!

2008-11-03T14:59:00.002Z

I've not had a good day today.

It started badly when the cats started scratching at bedroom doors in the early hours and got progressively worse as the day wore on. Little things that shouldn't bother me were niggling under my skin and the more I tried to not let them get to me the worse they got. To top it all I have to do a small oration on Tuesday week and I have to learn all the words. I thought I knew them and was practising as I worked but I'd forgotten two important words and because I thought I knew it all I didn't have my prompt.

I was about ready to explode around now (I really should go back on my medication) when a gentleman got out of his car and marched up to me. Now he did say his name but I didn't quite catch it, something like Double-Barrelled-Plum-In-My-Mouth and he was waving a couple of cards in front of my face.

Him; "You put these through my door."
Me; "Nope."
Him; "You just did at number 6."
Me; "Nope."
Him; Getting a bit louder and redder "You did! I saw you!"
Me; "Nope. You might have seen someone but it wasn't me!"

Now he tries to open the bag on the front of my bike and look for the parcels I don't have.

Me; "You really don't want to be doing that!"
Him; "But I want my parcels!"
Me; "I don't have your parcels perhaps it was the van driver you saw?"
Him; "Van driver? Wheres the van driver?"
Me; Patting down my coat and shaking my head "Oh! I'm so sorry I seem to have left my crystal ball in the other coat!"
Him; At darker shade of purple "Name and number!"
Me; "What?"
Him; "I want your name and number so I can complain about you!"

I have a burning desire to tell him to 'take his face for a shit' but bite my tongue and show him my badge then leave him standing on the curb clutching his cards and looking for a pen.

By now I just about hate everybody and when I get home the cats can tell it's best to stay out of my way. I take off my coat and the phone rings. Great a tele-marketer who I can take my frustration out on. I answer the phone with a barked "YES!" and a little voice on the other end of the the line says "Hello it's Silly Scott."

Now Silly Scott is the magician who #3 son has coming to his birthday and cost a fortune but worth every penny because it made me smile. He rings up people and calls himself Silly then maybe I'm taking myself too seriously. When I get to number 6 tomorrow I'm going to post one of Silly Scott's flyer's through his door and maybe he'll phone him?

Maybe not!

True or False?

2008-10-28T14:55:00.005Z

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Monday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency,and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Friday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't" he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need"."I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure" said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin!? Damn...is it midnight already?'"

I hope this wasn't the pumpkin in question!

Hanging with the ladies.

2008-10-24T16:49:00.005+01:00

It's not been the best week this week and I was going to bemoan the fact here with such interesting topics as: work, the weather, stairs, tiredness, sore legs etc etc...

...but I wont!

This week I've been hanging out with the ladies on Tom Foolery's blog (I think Tom is a lady as she left a x on my comment). I entered a competition where you had to write a short story, no more than 30 sentences, based around 3 photographs. I won a prize! We all won a prize but more importantly I won a prize.

It's a personalised picture and looks very nice. It is a shame that I never win anything very manly but hey if you write smut in the guise of a woman what the hell do you expect?

PS Casdok did the judging on DJ's wordless Wednesday and I still got a mention all you people who reckon I sleep my way to the prize!

PPS Off to polish my trumpet!

We have Rednecks in our street!

2008-10-21T14:46:00.003+01:00

Last night Channel 4 weather said no rain until Thursday.

Wait!

Sorry, I'm getting a bit ahead of myself here because I want someone to blame and Channel 4 will do for a start.

Rewind...

We got an offer from the local water board for a free water butt. We accepted not because it was free and I am (not sure of the right word) frugal (that will do) but because we care for the environment. Discounting the fact it is plastic, burnt a hole in the ozone being fabricated and will never bio-degrade it was a good thing to do. Maybe?

The water board offered to fit it free. We frugally accepted this offer too, though worried about their carbon footprint they gave you a slot and if you weren't in when they called, tough! We weren't in. No worries, there are instructions so I will frugally do it.

I did!

Unfortunately when I sawed off the drainpipe I must have loosened the joint at the top because yesterday I found part of the gutter in the garden.

Get up your ladder I hear you say. I did this also but the thing isn't or I'm not long enough. But never mind because Channel 4 weather said "NO RAIN UNTIL THURSDAY".

Last night I was woken by the "not rain". Instead of the rain gently washing off the roof, quietly running along the gutter, down the drainpipe and silently filling the water butt it poured off the roof and onto the patio like fucking Niagara Falls!

I could hear it. I shut the bathroom window and still could hear it. The neighbours must have heard it.

So what now? I could get it mended or go the whole hog, dump a mattress in the front garden next to the ASDA trolley full of weeds throw a few Christmas lights (Caroline Smailes) at the front of the house and leave them up all year.

We've got Rednecks in our street. Us!

Tagged?

2008-10-19T11:15:00.005+01:00

I was supposed to be doing something I was tagged to do today but have been distracted sorry hon but I got the final draft of my cover today and here it is...

I'm really pleased with it and would like to thank Anthony for all his time and effort.

An Explanation?

2008-10-12T13:43:00.006+01:00

Okay. The last post was a bit vague so I'll try to explain a bit better here.

I wrote a novel then put it away. I re-wrote it and put it away again. I tried to post excerpts on a blog. Stopped. Re-wrote it again.

Now the book is to be published. Hopefully it will be on sale by Christmas.

Originally I wasn't interested in the cover, the publisher could get on and do all that. Then I changed my mind. I'd come across a couple of pictures I liked and I bought them. I liked the pictures but they didn't fill the criteria the publisher requested and then I realized that they were not fit for purpose. That is until a very nice man called Anthony sorted them out for me. Thanks Anthony!

The front cover isn't finished yet but the back one is....but blogger wont let me download it!!?

Anyway, I hope that makes the last post a little clearer.

Yeah I know it's been a long time!!

2008-10-06T13:27:00.003+01:00

Yesterday I purchased two pictures off a site on the Internet. We whiled (is that a real word) many an hour choosing the right ones. The first was a picture of a car driving down an asphalt road with snow covered verges and the other an apple core. We were pleased with the purchases! They were the right dpi (does it sound like I know what I'm talking about?) and I managed to make them exactly the required size. I went to bed happy in the knowledge that everything was looking good.

But....
but....
but, I had a nagging doubt that was still there when I woke and kept me awake!

By lunchtime today all my fears were confirmed. DAMN!

So if anyone is on the lookout for a picture of an apple core or a car on... you know where to come. Only four credits each!

Spoken Word

2008-08-25T13:46:00.004+01:00

I've been quite interested in "Spoken Word" lately. A sort of fusion of rap and poetry. I thought I'd have a go and here's my effort, I'm not sure how well it works as "Written Word" does that just make it poetry? Anyway;

JAYNE

I’d seen the young girl many times walking, walking down my street
Pony-tailed hair flip-flops on her feet.
I’d heard other people call her they called her Jayne
She was a pretty one not a plain Jayne, Jayne!

I think she was around 16 or 17
Not as old as 18 but she might have been.
She walked as if she had the whole world on her shoulder
This made her look MAYBE 10 years older!

She always pushed a baby in a dirty old pram
It was well behaved QUIET I never heard it moan
As mummy walked behind smoking and talking on a mobile phone!

Her boyfriend Jeff was a bit of a lad
He was around often don’t know if he was the dad.
JEFF they said was a diamond geezer

But me
I’d seen him tease her squeeze her
He didn’t seem to please her!

She was talking to him now
Talking on the phone
Loudly SHOUTING didn’t care she wasn’t alone!

People watched,
Stopping in the street Jayne didn’t care.
She sighed stubbed out her fag ran her fingers through her hair!
She needed cash money for a fix
Supplement milk and … weetabix.

By her reaction I don’t think she liked what he said
That was when I noticed those bruises on her head!
Grazes and scratches I can’t believe I hadn’t seen
And a gap in her gums where her teeth once had been

She was getting personal now her face turning red
Said some things better left un-said.
She told him
“You make me sick!” and “You’re crap in bed!” and
“You’ve got a little dick” and “I wish you were dead!”

An old fellah told her “Please tone it down!”
“Fuck off!” she said with a scowl and frown.
Two young girls giggled then looked at the floor
I heard a woman whisper “Dirty little whore!”

Jayne hung up the phone and lit another smoke
Then gestured to the crowd with a middle finger poke.
She held her head up high as she pushed away her pram
Determined measured strides like she didn’t give a damn.

They watched her turn the corner forgotten as soon as she’d gone
Unluckily though for her, her life still went on.

I am ill, really I am!! (Or am I?)

2008-08-08T14:48:00.002+01:00

Today I had;

2 puffs on my inhaler just in case I get an asthma attack.
My painkiller. (It really doesn't work too well!)
My tablet that stops me throwing up after I've taken my painkiller.
My fibre drink that trys to keep me regular after the painkiller bungs me up.
My probiotic drink that the doctor advised me to have and have no idea if it works but don't want to stop taking in case it actually doing any good.

I really have no appitite to eat after all that. My results came back clear and now I have to have more tests!

I'm losing my sanity! AAAAAARGH!

Junk Mail!!

2008-08-04T13:16:00.005+01:00

Man, I'm fed up with all the crap I get in the post nowadays!!

Whatever happened to all the junk?

Agony Uncle?

2008-07-30T09:32:00.000+01:00

Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work
leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone
more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't
believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad
passionate love to her.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When
I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an
affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling
increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since
I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel
I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?
Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding
the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Couldn't resist!!

2008-07-28T09:13:00.000+01:00

Cop out!!

2008-07-15T15:57:00.003+01:00

I've cheated a bit/lot this week with a couple of jokes from my in-box, enjoy;

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles .
'OK, she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer poops little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed.'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'
The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'
Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground. ' This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'
'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'
'Never' , replies Dave.
'Well just relax and let it happen'.And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOR TOMORROW DJ!!!

Sex after seventy!

2008-07-12T14:05:00.004+01:00

There was a report out this week that said that more people over the age of seventy were having sex more often and enjoying it more than ever before!

Apart from the last sentence containing the word 'before' too many times there is definitely something wrong with it. Does it mean more sex than when they were younger or more sex than seventy year olds a decade ago? It brings too many pictures to mind that quite frankly I could happily live without. Its bad enough there is an advert on television at the moment that shows couples kissing (mouths open and most probably tongues) starting with a young pair and moving up through ages until they are snogging next to their zimmer frame and stannah stair lift. I forget what the commercial is for as I was too traumatised and was looking for more Valium before the end.

That was just kissing but sex at seventy? Can you imagine her taking her teeth out to perform oral sex while he sprays some wd40 on his plastic hip so he can get his leg over? Nonsense! Its all a fabrication by the government because we have too many old people in this country and we can't afford to keep them any longer. A solution; tell them it's okay to have it off after they draw their pension, they do, have a coronary and pop their clogs. Job done!

Don't believe me? Ask your Nan the last time she had sex and if she tells you, which she probably won't, 1945 is the year not quarter to eight!

Summertime?

2008-07-08T15:55:00.003+01:00

Is it just me or does everyone (apart from the snails and slugs attacking my garden) feel bloody miserable in this 'summer' weather? And if the dismal weather isn't enough we are told by every expert with an opinion, there are quite a few, that the economy is in a downturn that is possibly going to end in a recession. Unfortunately I'm not an expert so have difficulty in understanding how you forecast a recession and apparently am not the only one because you only know you are in recession when you've been there for six months! WTF?

So I looked at my finances to try and gauge the situation and wished I hadn't. Since the start of the year I'm putting £5 a week more petrol in my car, my grocery bill has gone up by £20 a week, my gas and electric have both gone up £15 a month and my mortgage which is on a two year tracker and runs out soon will probably go up by £200 a month unless we can get another 'deal' which is unlikely. My wages on the other hand should have gone up by 1.5% in April (approx £4 a week) but haven't because the union and management can't get their act together. Now to my mind if that's not a fucking recession what is?

Now the government has come up with a plan to help. No, they aren't going to cut duty on petrol or jump on the profiteering utility companies or even inject some cash into the banks so they will start lending at reasonable rates again! Their big plan is to stop us wasting food! We all buy around £8 of food a week we don't need and throw it in the bin. Now sometimes when I come home and unpack the shopping I have to throw out a bag of crisps that has burst or some of the pre-packed veg is a bit shit but nearly 10% of what I bought I throw away? Come on Gordon you are going to have to do better than that!

I have a solution that I think would help but am thwarted (great word by the way!) at the first attempt. I would like an allotment so I can grow what we need and eat it fresh so hopefully little waste. I'm really not sure why we can't eat whats in season and grown locally, do we really need to have yams all year round? Anyway back to the allotment, I rang the council and I can have an allotment for £24 per annum. Not bad I thought, little bit of effort and this time next year it will be coming up roses. Well not roses because we can't eat roses well we could but spuds would be better. "I'll have one!" I said feeling cheerful in spite of another 'summer' downpour. "No you won't!" was the reply as the sun hid behind the clouds again "there is at least a 2 year waiting list."

Great! So this is what you do Gordon, instead of pointless and unhelpful comments you get off your fat backside and out of your ivory tower and free up some inner-city land so the people who want to try and help themselves have a bit of a helping hand!

Update

2008-07-06T15:18:00.001+01:00

Yesterday I went to hospital to have the CT scan, my appointment was 10:15 and we got there about quarter of an hour early. The appointment hadn't been cancelled and it was a good thing we got there early. We sat in the waiting room with people who looked old and ill, very ill in some cases but they all had something in common, next to them was a small plastic cup and a litre container with a screw-top lid. We sat and waited for a while until a nurse, with her sense of humour surgically removed, brought my cup and container.
"Drink this!" she said
"No problem!" says I.
"What do I do for the next hour and ten minutes?" I add with a grin.
"Drink it too fast and you'll bring it straight back up!" she says with a frown.
I'm sure I heard her say 'tosser' under her breath as she walked off but I let it pass as she had obviously been bashed with an ugly stick and was taking it out on everybody else. I picked up my container, it was cold. It was also white and thick, sort of a cross between sperm and wallpaper paste. The neck it down in one was starting to look a little doubtful. I looked at the other people waiting, the were all at various stages of finishing their white goo and every mouthful looked like a struggle. I undid the lid and sniffed it; not bad, it had an orangey smell to it and I poured it into my cup. I took a large swig and it didn't taste too bad kind of like the powdered orange squash you get from vending machines only thicker. The next few mouthfuls weren't too bad but then I started too struggle, the stuff was actually fucking awful. It probably was made with spunk and wallpaper paste and every time I looked at it all I could think of apart from throwing up into the plant pot next to me was in 'Something about Mary' where Cameron Diaz fixes her hair with an alternative hair gel!
I'd drunk about 10ml in quarter of an hour, thank god we were early! I had to set myself targets so I could finish the lot before I was due to go in because I didn't want to have to go through this again. Unfortunately the clock seemed to be broken and was going far too quickly for my liking and I was lagging behind. Nurse Happy gave me a pitiful scowl every time she walked past, this spurred me on and when I was called I only had what was left in the cup to finish. The old bag made me drink that as well, it would almost have been worth throwing it up all over her just to see the look on her face! I didn't.
The scan was okay, they injected me with dye halfway through or did she say I hope the bastard dies? Whatever, it was over in minutes and now I just have to wait until early August for the results. The white goo is supposed to work its way out of my body but at the moment it seems stuck! We went to a BBQ yesterday afternoon and I drank a couple of glasses of wine and ate a bit I've also eaten today. My stomach now looks like a cross barrel and a bass drum, sort of sounds the same when I hit it with a drum stick! I hope to god that I'm somewhere near a toilet when the goo finally makes its final descent!
On that happy note I'll leave you to finish your dinner.

Taking the tube.

2008-07-04T07:33:00.002+01:00

Tomorrow I have to go for my CT scan, I was panicking a bit because I thought I was going to be left in a small tunnel for hours and am very claustrophobic, my doctor even prescribed me Valium. But now that I've seen the scanner it's not as bad as I first thought, well let's hope not anyway as the Valium have already gone! I guess it makes a welcome change for me to be slipped inside the tube to have photo's taken of my insides rather than having tubes slipped inside me and having my picture taken! Don't ask because I'm saying nothing apart from 'it certainly put the wind up me'!

So I'm not worried? Well actually yes I am! You see they've taken blood, urine, stool (No! I'm not talking about that either what with the tiny pot and even smaller shovel!) and blood again and no I didn't have to just drop my underpants off at reception! I've had examinations, a scan, ex ray's, a tube poked down my throat and another poked up ... sorry can't bring myself to say... and they've found nothing. So I guess tomorrow is last chance saloon, what else can they try?

So my big worry is they find nothing tomorrow and what people have been telling me all these years might be true; I AM FULL OF SHIT!

PS I haven't really taken the Valium before you phone the police (I haven't filled the script yet)that was just poetic licence. No I don't have a poets licence that was just... Oh whatever!! Have a good weekend!

Smoking Ban.

2008-07-01T14:21:00.005+01:00

Today is the first anniversary of the smoking ban in England and according to government figures the amount of cigarette butts discarded in the street has doubled over the last year. I was wondering how they got these figures, why and what good they did and it got me thinking...

Somewhere in a bunker under the sea north of the Scilly Isles;

"Come in Mr Bond."

"Pillbeam!"

"What?"

"My name is Pillbeam, Arthur Pillbeam not Bond!"

"Can I call you Bond just for today?"

"No."

"Please! It adds a little something."

"No!"

"How about James then?"

"No!"

"Jim?"

"No!"

"Jimmy!"

"No!"

"Well then Art..."

"Arthur!"

"Arthur. You did the cigarette butt count for us last year?"

"That's right."

"There was a bit of controversy over the figures last year I seem to remember. How many was it?"

"One."

"You counted all the discarded cigarette butts in England and there was only one?"

"Yes."

"You did actually do the count?"

"Yes."

"Then you had 364 days off and came back to do another count?"

"365!"

"Sorry?"

"It was a leap year!"

"Right. So you did another count for us yesterday?"

"Yes."

"You did actually do the count?"

"Yes."

"You didn't stay at home, watch Wimbledon and guess?"

"No."

"Not sit and watch the young Scott grit his teeth, pump his arm and grunt for hours?"

"You sure that was Wimbledon?"

"Answer the question!"

"No, I did the count!"

"Okay, how many this time?"

"Two."

"Fuck! Are you sure?"

"Yes very sure."

"This is awful! 100% more than last year! Twice as many! The media will have a field day!"

"So what does it mean exactly?"

"Fuck knows but we'll get to keep our jobs for another year! Go home, have another 365 days off."

"364, it's not a leap year!"

"Right! Practice your counting and on your way out leak it to the press!"

Dilemma!

2008-06-27T18:08:00.003+01:00

Hi,

I've not been on here for a while I never seem to have the time at the moment or if I do I don't have the bloody inclination! Those of you who read DJ Kirkby's blog will know that I've been unwell with a mystery illness, well a mystery to the doctors anyway. I'm not going to bore you all with the details DJ's been keeping up to date with that but just to say it makes me tired and irritable. "Nothing new there then!" I hear from the cheap seats at the back. No, you're probably right but never-the-less I'd like to thank DJ for putting up with me through the grumpiness.

While I've been avoiding Blogging I've been working on a project I started a few (or more) years ago. I had great designs on writing a book, (Motorbikes, ducks and crispy sweet apples.) I had the start, middle and ending which just (just pah!) needed putting down on paper. I wrote 30,000 words or so and didn't like it so I tried changing the characters names, that didn't work. Then I took some bits out added other bits in and changed the names again, this didn't do it for me either! I put it away in the drawer and it was left but not forgotten. DJ kept asking when it would be finished "soon!" I'd lie. Then I had an epiphany (this is probably why my stomach is sore I'm sure you're not supposed to do that with a hosepipe and cold coffee!) and decided though the storyline was sound I was approaching it wrong, so I started again. I've worked on it on and off for the last few months and now the first draft is finished. It still needs a lot of work but its got a start, middle and end though it's short a few thousand words but I think I can sort that.

Now I have my dilemma, what to with it now? I think it's okay and DJ likes it (she may have a bias) so at the moment it's 100% success! Do I hide it away and leave it now the monkey is off my back or do I let other people read it who may think it's crap and bring me to tears? Answers on a postcard please!

I'm off to find my red biro. You all enjoy the weekend

Global Warming?

2008-04-11T15:24:00.006+01:00

Last weekend we had a bit of snow! Here's a picture of us getting the car out for work;

Then after a couple of days it was warm enough for me and my mates to spend the afternoon at a car boot sale!

CRAZY!!

Play up Pompey!

2008-04-05T17:32:00.002+01:00

This is me today after Pompey played like a pile of crap and still won 1-0 to get a place in the FA cup final on 17th May. All I want now is a ticket, any offers greatly accepted!!!

Sneak Preview

2008-04-01T15:54:00.006+01:00

Thought you all might like a sneak preview of my 2008 spring collection!

Birthday Feast!

2008-03-28T15:08:00.006Z

Nothing better than a pack of Jussipussi...........
followed by cock soup........

and a handful of shito mix.......

washed down with fart juice.....
to make your birthday go with a bang!

Mate Match

2008-03-24T07:22:00.002Z

My good friend who lives in Australia sent me this which I think is worth sharing with you all.

This got the whole of Perth laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just
imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is
called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are
married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant
answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with
(phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same
three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the
funniest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
you win.
What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'

DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said
that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us
for couple of weeks...'

DJ: 'Uh huh...'

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it.
Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and
call her up.

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch
tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
give any..answers away or you'll lose.
Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest.'

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to
the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Where did you have it?'

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'

Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Well...'

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: 'Up the arse.....!!'

PS....They had to call an ambulance for the DJ....he thought he was going to have
a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.
Apperently there was an unusually high call out of the Perth Police
just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions

2008-03-16T11:02:00.001Z

2008-03-14T16:01:00.000Z

2008-03-13T16:10:00.000Z

2008-03-12T18:57:00.000Z

2008-03-11T14:53:00.000Z

2008-03-10T10:59:00.000Z

Gratuitous plug!

2008-03-07T16:06:00.002Z

I've got a new blog here please pop over for a look. Thanks Casdok for the award Ill put it up this weekend.

2008-03-06T14:20:00.000Z

2008-03-05T14:29:00.000Z

2008-03-04T14:17:00.000Z

2008-03-03T19:26:00.000Z

2008-03-02T08:55:00.000Z

2008-02-29T13:21:00.000Z

2008-02-28T16:18:00.000Z

Stick Men

2008-02-27T16:43:00.002Z